Trystan Reese: A Journey Through Love, Identity, and Family
Have you ever felt like your true self was hidden behind societal expectations? In this heartwarming episode of the Life Shift podcast, I sit down with Trystan Reese, who shares his remarkable journey of self-discovery, love, and family.
Have you ever felt like your true self was hidden behind societal expectations? In this heartwarming episode of the Life Shift podcast, I sit down with Trystan Reese, who shares his remarkable journey of self-discovery, love, and family.
Trystan takes us through his early years growing up in the conservative Mojave Desert, where he felt like a "certified weirdo" without many role models. Despite the challenges, his Canadian parents gave him the freedom to explore his identity, setting the stage for his future transformation.
Embracing authenticity and finding love
- How Trystan's transition in performing arts school shaped his future
- The unexpected joy of finding true love and acceptance
- Overcoming insecurities and learning to value oneself in a relationship
Building a family against the odds
- Adopting children and creating a unique family structure
- Trystan's groundbreaking experience of giving birth as a transgender man
- The importance of sharing stories to create "possibility models" for others
Making a difference through storytelling and advocacy
- Trystan's work in political organizing and deep canvassing
- Writing "How We Do Family" to support LGBTQ+ families and educate others
- Providing coaching and support for neurodivergent individuals and federal employees
- How can you embrace your authentic self, even in the face of societal expectations?
- What "possibility models" have inspired you in your own life?
- How can sharing your story help create a more inclusive and understanding world?
Join us for this inspiring conversation that challenges our perceptions of family, love, and personal growth. Trystan's journey reminds us that by being true to ourselves, we can create a life filled with joy, purpose, and meaningful connections.
Trystan Reese is an award-winning author and facilitator dedicated to diversity, equity, and inclusion. He has nearly two decades of experience in the trans community. His acclaimed book, How We Do Family, was released in 2021, and he co-authored the children's book The Light of You with his partner, Biff Chaplow.
A Lambda Literary Fellow, Trystan's storytelling gained attention through a viral performance on The Moth MainStage, featured in the 2024 anthology A Point Of Beauty. He founded Collaborate Consulting to provide training on LGBTQ+ inclusion and has contributed to various mental health and social justice anthologies. Trystan lives in Portland, Oregon, with Biff and their three children: Riley, Sully, and Leo.
Learn more at Trystan Reese's website and Collaborate Consulting.
https://collaborate.consulting/
Resources: To listen in on more conversations about pivotal moments that changed lives forever, subscribe to "The Life Shift" on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate the show 5 stars and leave a review! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
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00:00 - None
00:02 - Exploring Love and Identity
07:49 - Navigating Identity and Change
14:19 - Navigating Identity: A Journey Through Adolescence
15:49 - Exploring Identity and Community
26:25 - Grieving the Past: The Journey of Self-Discovery
30:12 - The Journey of Advocacy and Transformation
38:48 - Finding Love: A Journey of Self-Discovery
44:28 - Navigating Love and Insecurity
51:10 - The Journey of Family Building and Advocacy
56:11 - The Journey of Giving: Reflections and Advice
Speaker A
But at the time, it was, you know, it was really lonely.
Speaker A
Who.
Speaker A
How was I to explore love and dating?
Speaker A
How was I to, you know, sort of figure out what do you wear to prom when you're like this sort of tomboy, but also sort of femme weirdo?
Speaker A
You know?
Speaker A
So it was really hard.
Speaker A
And it wasn't really until I was probably 19 or 20 that I met a trans masculine or, you know, a transgender man, someone who is assigned female at birth, who's navigating the world as something else that I was like, oh, that's what I am.
Speaker A
I'm not broken.
Speaker A
I don't need to be fixed.
Speaker A
I'm just trans.
Speaker B
Today's guest is Tristan Reese.
Speaker B
Tristan is a transgender man, storyteller, advocate, father whose life journey is nothing short of extraordinary.
Speaker B
From navigating societal expectations where he grew up, and creating this radically authentic family that he has now, Tristan shares his unique perspective on identity vulnerability and what it truly means to love and be loved.
Speaker B
In this episode, Tristyn takes us through these pivotal moments in his life, realizing his identity after meeting a transgender man in person in his late teens or someone that he calls a possibility model.
Speaker B
And we talk a lot about that.
Speaker B
He talks about grieving the loss of his past self and how that.
Speaker B
How he navigated that and still brought his past self along with him, and talks about overcoming the fear of never finding love.
Speaker B
He opens up about how meeting his partner challenged him to embrace unconditional love and self worth, reshaping his outlook on relationships and life.
Speaker B
We also touched a little on Tristan's journey to building his family and how his work in storytelling and deep canvassing has changed hearts and minds across the country.
Speaker B
I was really honored to have this conversation and ask the questions on my mind.
Speaker B
As you all know, I ask them for my curiosity and sometimes I step in it.
Speaker B
And I think that's a beautiful way of us having conversations and learning more about about each other.
Speaker B
Tristan's story reminds us all of the beauty of embracing our true selves.
Speaker B
So without further ado, here is my conversation with Tristan Reese.
Speaker B
I'm Matt Gilhooly, and this is the Life Shift.
Speaker B
Candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.
Speaker B
Hello, my friends.
Speaker B
Welcome to the Life Shift podcast.
Speaker B
I am sitting here with Tristan.
Speaker B
Hello, Tristan.
Speaker A
Hello.
Speaker A
I'm so excited to be here and have this conversation with you today.
Speaker B
Well, thank you for being a part of the Life Shift podcast.
Speaker B
It's been a journey that I never really knew that I needed in this point in my life, so I'M here in my 40s and when I was a kid, my mom was killed in a motorcycle accident and my dad had to sit me down that day and tell me that my mom had died.
Speaker B
And at that moment, everything about what we all my family had dreamed about in my life that was going to happen was no longer a possibility.
Speaker B
And I assumed because this was like late 80s, early 90s, that all people wanted to see was that I was fine, I was okay, I was good.
Speaker B
And so I never got to really grieve, I never got to do the right things.
Speaker B
And I was hiding behind this.
Speaker B
Like, Matt's happy, Matt's successful, Matt is getting all the good grades.
Speaker B
No one's gonna leave again because Matt's perfect moment.
Speaker B
But behind the scenes I was always like, do other people have these line in the sand type moments in which, like, their life was this way and then the next moment everything was different?
Speaker B
And so I've just been on this journey now with this podcast of Talking to over 170something people now about these life shift moments.
Speaker B
And people have lots of them.
Speaker B
I've realized that now.
Speaker B
But, you know, as a kid, it felt like, gosh, this is such a drastic one.
Speaker B
And I've just had this opportunity to talk to so many people from all different walks of life to really understand their personal story and realize, which I think we all know on the surface, that we have so much more in common than we have, that separates us, right?
Speaker B
And I think so much of our society now shows the separation, shows the differences, or tries to point those out, rather than like the human experiences and feelings and emotions that we all share, even if our stories are wildly different.
Speaker B
So it's just been such a pleasure and I'm so looking forward to having this conversation with you wherever it may go, because I think everyone's story, there's something about everyone's story that has something that people out there listening can connect with.
Speaker B
So thank you before we even do anything for being a part of this journey.
Speaker A
Of course, it's my pleasure.
Speaker A
I'm also an extrovert, so these things are very.
Speaker A
They fill my cup too.
Speaker A
You know, just being with someone and talking and listening and.
Speaker A
Yeah, it's a delight for me.
Speaker B
It's.
Speaker B
It's so important.
Speaker B
And I don't know if you saw this growing up.
Speaker B
I feel like there was such a performative nature to growing up in the 80s, 90s, 2000s of like, we had to be whatever this Persona is that society deemed that we should be, whether that was successful in high School and then we went to college and did all, you know, like, we just had to like, fill these roles.
Speaker B
And all the while I feel like I lacked in my circle any kind of deep conversations or like hard conversations or things that like, you're not supposed to ask.
Speaker B
So did you experience any of that growing up?
Speaker A
I, you know, it's funny what comes to mind when you say that is actually how, how incredibly different it is now.
Speaker A
So I have a 14 year old daughter and you know, her and all of her friends, when they get a zit, they have these stickers they put on them like they're like stars and hearts and aliens and they're different colors.
Speaker A
And I'm, and I look at that, I'm just like, we would have never, you know, or like they went to prom and they're all wearing these amazing, glamorous dresses.
Speaker A
And then we look down and they're all wearing Chucks, they're all wearing sneakers, and we're like, are you not gonna wear fancy shoes?
Speaker A
And they're like, oh God, why, Like, that hurts.
Speaker A
Why would we do that?
Speaker A
You know?
Speaker A
And I think that shift is so beautiful to watch that.
Speaker A
That idea that somehow we needed zit free and wearing painful shoes and like not crying in class because we just broke up with our first boyfriend.
Speaker A
You know, there is a vulnerability, a rawness that as much as we criticize the next generations for being, you know, so online and all of that, there is also that part of them that's like, oh no, we're not gonna be like you.
Speaker A
Which I really love and admire and am super jealous of.
Speaker B
At the same time, I, I totally agree.
Speaker B
I think it's, it's beautiful that people like are allowed to have feelings now that aren't so.
Speaker B
Like, I feel like growing up, I was allowed to be angry and happy.
Speaker B
You know, growing up as a boy, those were the only things that I was allowed to be.
Speaker B
I wasn't allowed to show vulnerability.
Speaker B
And then I realized like somewhere in my 30s, I, like, that's what makes me a full human of like good days, bad days, sad days, all the things that come along with it.
Speaker B
It makes me a more evolved human, I think, and more relatable to other people.
Speaker B
So to your point, though, I'm so happy to see that a lot of the younger generation is more in touch with like, being who they want to be and who they feel they should be versus what maybe society deems people should be.
Speaker A
Yeah, I'm seeing it too.
Speaker A
And it's, it's.
Speaker A
Yeah, it's Wonderful to watch and also.
Speaker B
A little jealousy there, but 100%.
Speaker B
So before we get into your story, maybe you can tell us a little bit about who Tristan is in 2025.
Speaker A
Oof.
Speaker A
I mean, this has been the longest year ever.
Speaker A
And we are recording this on February 12th.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
Who am I in 20?
Speaker A
I'm a 42 year old transgender man living in Portland, Oregon with my amazing family.
Speaker A
Three kids, two adopted, one biological probably.
Speaker A
We'll get into that.
Speaker A
We'll see.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
And just really trying to figure out, you know, my work is storytelling.
Speaker A
My work is teaching people how to adapt across lines of difference at a time when difference is increasingly becoming dangerous.
Speaker A
And so I'm still at my own pivot point of figuring out, you know, how do I continue to adapt and be relevant while also having, you know, being able to support my family at the same time.
Speaker A
So, yeah, I'm excited to see how things unfold and also really scared for my community and the impacts of what's happening federally.
Speaker B
2025.
Speaker B
As if previous years did not add layers of fear and things like that.
Speaker B
I think 2025 is starting off really frightening.
Speaker B
And I'm, I'm assuming in your part of the world as well that it's just, it's especially for what you want to do.
Speaker B
Highlighting how these differences are not really like how we navigate these and how we embrace them I think is really challenging now.
Speaker B
So I, I hold space for you and I hope that it does get better in some way.
Speaker B
But that's a, that's a challenge.
Speaker A
It'll get worse.
Speaker A
It'll get better.
Speaker A
In trans years, I'm considered very old.
Speaker A
I am often referred to as a trans elder, which again, I'm 42.
Speaker A
I don't feel old.
Speaker A
And the reality is that my community doesn't live as long as other people do.
Speaker A
And so I am an elder in my own way.
Speaker A
You know, obviously I'm not, you know, there are.
Speaker A
I'm friends with a trans man who's 79 years old, you know, so, like, I'm not actually an elder and I've been around long enough that I, you know, I've seen the pendulum swings.
Speaker A
We've been through really hard times as a community.
Speaker A
We've been through less hard times as a community.
Speaker A
We're going to be here no matter what.
Speaker A
And, you know, it's just our job to love the ever loving heck out of each other so that we can protect each other from the hardest, hardest things.
Speaker B
I think that's super important.
Speaker B
And I love how you lead with Also that you're a family.
Speaker B
Your family is something that is really important to you as well, because I think whether we create our own families in that way or we find our own families, I think that's so important in times of challenge or in times of good times that we can celebrate together.
Speaker B
So I love that for you, and I know we'll get into some of that story.
Speaker B
So in the honor of the Life Show, I love to have my guests kind of paint the picture of their life leading up to maybe what we consider to be one of the pivotal moments in our lives.
Speaker B
And you can paint as big of a picture as you need to, as far back as you need to go, or as close to that moment as you want to.
Speaker A
Sure.
Speaker A
I mean, I think most people expect, oh, this is a transgender man who's going to tell a story about coming out as trans.
Speaker A
And that actually is not even a blip for me in terms of the big shifts that I've had, but just to paint a little bit of that story.
Speaker A
I do live in the notably liberal bastion of Portland, but that's not where I'm from.
Speaker A
I'm from the middle of the Mojave Desert, next to Edwards Air Force Base in.
Speaker A
In California, Very conservative, pretty rural, pretty, you know, suburbs, slash rural, slash military.
Speaker A
And certainly growing up as, like, a certified weirdo, I didn't have a lot of examples of other people who were doing gender differently, who were loving differently, who were worshiping differently.
Speaker A
You know, I kind of had to blaze my own trail, which sounds very glamorous in retrospect, but at the time was really lonely.
Speaker A
And I, you know, am really, really lucky that my parents are Canadian.
Speaker A
Why they moved to the middle of the desert from Canada, I still don't understand.
Speaker A
All of these years later, they did so.
Speaker A
But Canadians are relatively accepting in a libertarian sort of way.
Speaker A
And it's sort of like none of my business.
Speaker A
You do your thing kind of a way.
Speaker A
And I was so.
Speaker A
I was given a lot of freedom as a child to dress how I wanted to Dr.
Speaker A
To act how I wanted to act, to, you know, do the hobbies that I was most interested in.
Speaker A
And in that way, you know, growing up as a, you know, being treated by the world as a girl and a body that most people thought was a girl's body, I got to do things that many young gay boys didn't get to do.
Speaker A
I got to be a ballerina.
Speaker A
I got to do theater.
Speaker A
You know, you talked a little bit about emotional expectations put on young boys.
Speaker A
I think it's a real blessing and a privilege for me to have been raised without those expectations.
Speaker A
I was never shamed for crying.
Speaker A
You know, I was.
Speaker A
I was allowed to sing show tunes in the shower if I wanted to, and be in the musical Annie.
Speaker A
You know, girls are afforded a lot of freedom emotionally in terms of expression that boys just aren't.
Speaker A
So I kind of was able to dodge a lot of that sort of socialization there.
Speaker A
And I like to believe that through my transition, I've been able to hold on to what I think of as the ability to sort of paint with all of the colors of the emotional palette that I'm able to continue to access all of those things.
Speaker A
And often in my work, people will give me that positive feedback of, like, it's amazing how vulnerable you're able to be.
Speaker A
It's amazing how emotionally deep you're able to be.
Speaker A
And I sort of am like, yeah, that's what girls are taught to do, you know, but we all should be.
Speaker B
Taught to do that, you know?
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
And, you know, I'm raising two boys and a girl now, and, you know, I'm doing my best.
Speaker A
But it is hard, even in our little empire of love, you know, it is hard to not have the other stuff seep in.
Speaker B
Yeah, No, I mean, that sounds like a.
Speaker B
Like a.
Speaker B
As beautiful as it could be for your experience in a space where you didn't have people that maybe you emulated or wanted to be like, what?
Speaker B
Probably not even in pop culture or anything that you were seeing on television and magazines and books and things.
Speaker B
So you were really, truly, like, blazing your own path with a blessing of parents that were supportive in whatever you wanted to do.
Speaker B
Which I feel it should be all parents.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
I mean, again, it should be the default.
Speaker A
Just give your kids a wide berth and whatever they want to do, as long as they don't hurt themselves or other people, let them do it.
Speaker B
Definitely wasn't that 90s thing.
Speaker B
So your parents were definitely blazing their own path, I guess.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
So, you know, it was pretty easygoing.
Speaker A
Adolescence wasn't great for me.
Speaker A
It's.
Speaker A
You know, I always.
Speaker A
It's not a contest to see, like, who had the worst puberty, but if it was, like, I might win, you know, like, going.
Speaker A
Being relatively carefree and then going into this period of time when your body is changing in the way the world sees you and treats you as changing, too.
Speaker A
And sort of that, I think, coupled with, you know, to your point, like, I didn't know what the heck was wrong with me.
Speaker A
Like, I did not know what was wrong with me.
Speaker A
I didn't feel like other people seemed to feel I didn't relate to my body in the way that other people seem to relate to my body.
Speaker A
I just didn't have that comfort, that knowledge, language.
Speaker B
People weren't talking about.
Speaker B
About it.
Speaker A
No, I mean, I didn't.
Speaker A
This is pre Chaz Bono.
Speaker A
Like, this is really in the dark ages in some ways.
Speaker A
The.
Speaker A
I think the only trans people I was ever aware of truly was like, Maury Povich.
Speaker A
It was like these TV shows of like, you know, is your girlfriend really a man?
Speaker A
Like, those kinds of things.
Speaker A
That's all I saw in high school.
Speaker A
They did.
Speaker A
My friends did often tease me and call me a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
Speaker A
Which in retrospect is very funny because essentially that's kind of what was going on.
Speaker A
But at the time, it was, you know, it was really lonely.
Speaker A
Who.
Speaker A
How was I to explore love and dating?
Speaker A
How was I to, you know, sort of figure out what do you wear to prom when you're like this sort of tomboy, but also sort of femme weirdo?
Speaker A
You know?
Speaker A
So it was really hard.
Speaker A
And it wasn't really until I was probably 19 or 20 that I met a trans masculine or, you know, a transgender man, someone who is assigned female at birth, who's navigating the world as something else that I was like, oh, that's what I am.
Speaker A
I'm not broken.
Speaker A
I don't need to be fixed.
Speaker A
I'm just trans.
Speaker A
And it was really wonderful to then have even again, like, we're talking 2001, you know, even what sort of duct taped together community there was, was so wonderful and so supportive and welcoming, and there were certainly pockets that were like, oh, no, no, no.
Speaker A
There is this way to be a man, and if you want to be accepted, this is how you have to be.
Speaker A
And I was.
Speaker A
It was very clear to me that whatever that was, I wasn' that.
Speaker A
And I, you know, so I just, I did.
Speaker A
I found this pocket of the next generation above me who are like, dude, like, other.
Speaker A
Other men get to, like, theater, other men get to be dancers, other men go to gay bars.
Speaker A
Like, why wouldn't you?
Speaker A
You know, which seems so rudimentary now, but again, in like, the year 2000, it was pretty revolutionary that I was able to find those folks.
Speaker A
And they sort of ushered me through.
Speaker B
I mean, what's beautiful about that and what it just reminds me of, these conversations is like the power of story and being able to see ourselves and other people and to see the possibilities and that.
Speaker B
Like, that.
Speaker B
Like you said, like, I'm not broken.
Speaker B
I'm not weird.
Speaker B
I'm not any of these pieces.
Speaker B
I'm just human, you know, like, and this is, like, totally not related, but related in my head.
Speaker B
I was talking to someone.
Speaker B
I've said this story before, but I was talking to someone on the show, and she was talking about how her dad died when she was a kid.
Speaker B
And in our teen years, she.
Speaker B
She was talking about in her teen years how she would tell herself that her father was in, like, witness protection.
Speaker B
And I used to do that with my dead mom.
Speaker B
I would be like, I would convince myself that she was just coming back, she was in hiding.
Speaker B
And the reason I tell the story is because when she said that, I suddenly didn't feel weird anymore.
Speaker B
I felt validated in my experience.
Speaker B
And sort of reminds me of you finding this community or someone you can.
Speaker B
You can see and go, oh, like, that's kind of who I am.
Speaker B
Like, that's.
Speaker B
That's how I can live.
Speaker B
So I'm not weird.
Speaker B
I'm not alone.
Speaker B
I'm not the only person out here.
Speaker B
Like this.
Speaker A
Well, yeah.
Speaker A
And I remember confessing, like, what if I'm not really trans?
Speaker A
And they'd be like, bro, none of us knew in the begin if we really were.
Speaker A
You know, like, it's okay to be on a path.
Speaker A
And even if this is one stop of a larger journey that doesn't end in that destination, like, we're so glad you're here, you know, and to hear that it was.
Speaker A
It was so affirming, those insecurities, those fears was just.
Speaker A
Yeah, it was.
Speaker A
It was really powerful.
Speaker B
And people you could talk to about maybe the things that weren't as comfortable for you to talk to, talk to your parents about or your friends or.
Speaker B
Because maybe they couldn't relate.
Speaker B
And now you found this group of people that.
Speaker B
That wouldn't judge you for feeling a certain way.
Speaker B
Not that your family would do that or any, but I think we naturally take that on.
Speaker B
We're like, I can't say this because I don't know if you'll understand.
Speaker B
It just sounds so weird in my head.
Speaker B
But now you found these people that could do that.
Speaker B
And I think it's, again, the power of being able to see.
Speaker B
Like, when Obama was.
Speaker B
Was elected as president, and now all these people saw the possibility for them, you know, that never had seen someone like him in the office.
Speaker B
And you're just like, this is.
Speaker B
This is.
Speaker B
Is such a wonderful example of.
Speaker B
Of why we need differences in the world so that the little Tristans out there can finally find the person.
Speaker B
Right.
Speaker B
That.
Speaker B
That makes them feel less alone.
Speaker A
Yeah, we call that.
Speaker A
In the trans community, we don't have role models.
Speaker A
We call them possibility models because we don't want to put anybody on a pedestal, because all of us are imperfect, right?
Speaker A
We're all human.
Speaker A
We're all going to mess up.
Speaker A
And when we put someone up there as if they're perfect, you know, creates a really negative, I think, dichotomy between, like, the elites and the rest of us.
Speaker A
And so we.
Speaker A
We call it poss.
Speaker A
And it is just like, well, that's just one option, you know, and so it was really helpful to have that.
Speaker A
And, you know, I went.
Speaker A
I ended up going back to theater school, and I studied theater, and I transitioned while I was in performing arts school.
Speaker A
I was really worried about losing my singing voice, and so I decided not to transition until I had, you know, professionals helping me work with this instrument that was sort of changing, you know, from a violin to a viola.
Speaker A
You know, I was hoping to make it to a cello or a bass, but I never quite did.
Speaker A
And that was pretty great, too.
Speaker A
You know, it was good.
Speaker A
And it was really around that time that I started to feel like, oh, no, now that I'm transitioning, I'll never be normal.
Speaker A
Like, I'll never.
Speaker A
If I do this, like, I will never have the kind of life that my parents have.
Speaker A
Still married, how many years later?
Speaker A
55.
Speaker A
You know, you know, spouse, kids, house.
Speaker A
Just, like, I didn't think I wanted that.
Speaker A
Of course, at 22, who wants that?
Speaker A
Gross.
Speaker A
But, right.
Speaker A
Still feeling like, oh, my gosh, that door is closing.
Speaker A
And for all this love and support I had and at the community level, I didn't really know anyone who was in, like, a healthy, functioning relationship, like a model for that kind of love partnership.
Speaker A
It just didn't exist.
Speaker A
And so that was a really difficult time of being like, oh, by opening this door to being myself, am I actually closing the door to ever really having love?
Speaker A
And that was one of the first things my mom said to me when I told her, no, I'm transgender.
Speaker A
I'm going to be transitioning, and I'm going to be living my life as a man.
Speaker A
Her biggest.
Speaker A
Her initial first fear was, you know, where.
Speaker A
Where are you going to find love?
Speaker A
Who.
Speaker A
Who is going to love you?
Speaker A
And she didn't mean it in a negative way, especially now that I'm a parent.
Speaker A
You know, I look back, and I think as a parent, you Want your kids to be loved.
Speaker A
It's one of the only things you want for them, you know, especially when you think they're great.
Speaker A
And I think she was worried that I was then closing so many doors.
Speaker A
Especially I've always been only attracted to men.
Speaker A
And I think, you know, what we do know about women's sexuality more broadly is that there is more of a fluidity, whereas what we know, again, more broadly, broadly, just speaking, not in terms of stereotypes, but the data, you know, that, that men do tend to be a little more rigid in who and who they might be attracted to.
Speaker A
And I knew that I would, you know, gay men might not be excited about a body that's different than what they're used to.
Speaker A
Straight men didn't want to be, don't really want to have a boyfriend, you know, and so it was just a little tricky.
Speaker B
I think it's challenging in the sense of, I understand feeling like you're closing the door, but also if you're not being able, like if you don't do it, it then are you going to fully love yourself and the life that you're.
Speaker B
It's really, I mean that seems really daunting for a 20 something year old to like battle because it's like, do I, I don't know, I'm assuming here, do I live my life feeling fully me, but possibly not having this, or do I live my life not or pretending?
Speaker B
I mean, what do I do over here on this side?
Speaker B
You know, So I, I would imagine that's quite a, a battle.
Speaker B
Did that just.
Speaker B
And pardon me if this is too much, but like, does that bring on depression?
Speaker B
Does that bring on anxiety?
Speaker B
Does any of those things come into play there?
Speaker B
Because I feel like that's a real, that's a real like battle within someone.
Speaker A
I think about that time more as grief.
Speaker B
Okay.
Speaker A
You know, that it was like there was this life for me that I had always imagined, that my parents had imagined, that my parents, parents had imagined, you know, it existed before I was even born, that I had to say goodbye to and let go.
Speaker A
And I remember early in my transition, I actually had a very, very powerful vivid dream where I was in my childhood home and I was upstairs in my childhood room.
Speaker A
And this little girl comes into the room and you know, she says there's been an accident and she grabs my hand and runs me down the stairs and we go out the house and I, you know, come into the front yard and there's an accident and she's been hit and she's holding my Hand.
Speaker A
And she's also in the road.
Speaker A
And I just thought, oh, my God.
Speaker A
Like the, the who I was, who I thought I was going to be is going to be gone.
Speaker A
And the little girl told me that she had to go where she would be loved.
Speaker A
And she left.
Speaker A
And I've tried so hard, you know, to make peace with who I used to be and to not feel like I have to kill that you.
Speaker A
Which is what we were taught to do.
Speaker A
90s and 2000s, you know, we were taught don't tell anyone once you transition, make up a fake childhood, make up that you were in the Boy Scouts.
Speaker A
Don't talk about being in dance or talk about having played Annie.
Speaker A
You know, like, I'm just.
Speaker A
I came of age right at the cusp of that, you know, So I, I do think there's a lot of grief and then a lot of shame about the grief.
Speaker A
Oh, no.
Speaker A
If I feel sad that I'll never be a woman in that way, like, does that mean I'm not really trans?
Speaker A
And then you've got those multi, you know, you can't feel bad and then feel about feeling.
Speaker A
It's too much.
Speaker A
It's too much.
Speaker B
It makes you human.
Speaker B
I mean, I think it's, it's so relatable because you're.
Speaker B
I, I think I.
Speaker B
I mean, with a dead parent, it feels very similar to that.
Speaker B
Like, I'm not trying to equate our experiences, but I think this equates us as humans in that we feel very similarly.
Speaker B
Because it would be like, right now, am I happy with my life?
Speaker B
My life is my life because my mom died.
Speaker B
Died.
Speaker B
Like, this would not be my life.
Speaker B
I know 100.
Speaker B
If my mom had not died.
Speaker B
And so you're like, am I supposed I feel bad saying that because, like, what I changed.
Speaker B
So I get it.
Speaker B
It's.
Speaker B
It's a very complex thing where you say one thing out loud and you're like, that sounds terrible.
Speaker B
And now I feel bad about saying that, but it's true.
Speaker B
So.
Speaker A
And there is always that pressure, right?
Speaker A
Like when you're any marginalized person.
Speaker A
And I can't speak to any others, but I can only say as a trans person, there's a lot of pressure on us to the, like, pinnacle of trans people, you know, like, I couldn't tell anyone.
Speaker A
I think I'm grieving like that little girl I used to be.
Speaker A
And I, you know, and I, you know, I'm grieving not being able to have a normal life.
Speaker A
You know, there's just so much pressure on us to be like, no, this is amazing.
Speaker A
I'm so happy, you know, and to not acknowledge that that's a really rich, rich tapestry of experiences.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
I mean, I can imagine pulling on that societal expectation of you having to be this perfect version of you when in maybe my high tower.
Speaker B
I feel like you should always just be whoever you are, because that's gonna be the most authentic version, you know, like, you're gonna bring more to the world by being who you fully are.
Speaker B
But we as humans tend to assume or.
Speaker B
Or take on the responsibility of making other people feel better about us and what we say and what we do.
Speaker B
And it brings us back to the beginning of this conversation where I was like, there were things I was not allowed to ask people just because, like, it's not appropriate.
Speaker B
You know, like, it's like, well, maybe it is, because I think maybe at the end of the day, we're going to learn more about how we can operate together if we ask these tough questions that are uncomfortable.
Speaker A
Yes.
Speaker A
And it's important to acknowledge that the stakes are really high for some people more than others.
Speaker A
You know, like, if.
Speaker A
If I had acknowledged, oh, my gosh, I'm really going through a grieving process, would that have been music to my mother's ears?
Speaker A
And she would have said, this is great.
Speaker A
Maybe you're not actually trans.
Speaker A
Yeah, that is a challenge, you know, and there's.
Speaker A
There's, you know, a lot of our.
Speaker A
The permission we are given to exist in the world hinges upon us fitting into what already exists in terms of male and female.
Speaker A
And then when someone like me comes along and I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm a man.
Speaker A
I'm also like a big old gay.
Speaker A
You know, again, we've sort of evolved beyond this.
Speaker A
But that was very radical for the time.
Speaker A
And often I would get asked, well, if you're going to date men, why wouldn't you have just date a woman?
Speaker B
It's not.
Speaker A
No.
Speaker A
So I would have to explain that, like, you know, who I want to be with is different than who I am.
Speaker A
Then I would always make the joke.
Speaker A
And also, have you met a straight man?
Speaker A
I don't want to date a straight man.
Speaker A
Just a little joke, not to be offensive, but, you know, I had to bring.
Speaker A
Had to bring some levity in, you know, but, like, I want to be with a man as a man, not as a woman, because who I am is different than who I am attracted.
Speaker B
To, you know, so it's really complex, and I think there's a big burden for you to have to explain that to people too.
Speaker B
I can't imagine carrying them.
Speaker A
I have never thought about it as a burden because I do feel like it's.
Speaker A
It is a privilege.
Speaker A
I really do.
Speaker A
How many, how many of my transesters would have loved to be born into a culture that it was at least curious.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker A
You know, that at least wanted to learn.
Speaker A
And also it's my job.
Speaker A
Job.
Speaker A
So, you know, it'd be like a doctor complaining about sickness, you know, to be like, people have too many questions about trans people.
Speaker A
No, that's why I'm here.
Speaker A
But I also do that.
Speaker A
I also see that as part of my life's work because not every trans person should have to do.
Speaker A
And people like me who had supportive parents, you know, who live in Portland, who are white, who are binary, you know, like, it's part of my give back to my community because I am protected in so many ways that I have the ability to deal with the slings and arrows of hard questions in a way that others aren't protected, if that makes sense.
Speaker B
No, it does.
Speaker B
And I'm, I don't mean to put that, that burden on you.
Speaker B
I just.
Speaker B
The words that came out of my mouth so there.
Speaker A
Yeah, I mean, like I said, it's, it's a burden for others.
Speaker A
For me, it's, it's my pleasure.
Speaker A
It's a blessing.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
Because I, I, and I think the reason I said that is because there's so many people walking through the world that don't have that responsibility or requirement of them in a way.
Speaker B
So.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
Anyway, take us to.
Speaker B
Maybe you can take us down your, your journey a little bit more to this.
Speaker A
Yeah, totally.
Speaker A
Well, yeah, well, after theater school I actually didn't end up.
Speaker A
I did some performance, but I actually ended up working for the National LGBTQ Task Force.
Speaker A
And I became part of this small elite team of organizers who basically collected all of the lessons from every ballot measure political fight in the community until took took it to places around the country where they were facing attacks at the ballot box.
Speaker A
So if the Kalamazoo City Council, like wants to restrict non discrimination protections and make it so that businesses can discriminate against trans people, the trans people in that, in Kalamazoo don't know what to do.
Speaker A
And, and meanwhile these anti LGBTQ organizations are just, just pouring showers of hundreds of thousands of dollars into these tiny.
Speaker A
So I was part of this team that would kind of parachute into places like Kalamazoo, Michigan, Bowling Green, Ohio, Tallahassee, Florida and teach these communities how to, how to tell your Story to change hearts and minds, how to raise grassroots money so that we can have some chance of defeating these attacks, and how to build giant teams of volunteers to recruit allies, to figure out who else might be impacted by this, to build those relationships and then to mount these big campaigns even in these little tiny places.
Speaker A
And I loved that work.
Speaker A
To be honest, if I could go back to that work now, I probably would.
Speaker A
Eventually I ended up being part of an even smaller, even more elite team that started to pioneer what is now called deep canvassing.
Speaker A
But it's where you use the power of storytelling and list and active listening to actually have a long conversation with someone to literally change their mind.
Speaker A
So I've talked to hundreds at this point, maybe thousands of anti gay, anti trans people on their doorsteps and have listened to their stories and have shared my story and have witnessed firsthand what we now know is actually the most powerful form of persuasion, which is a one on one conversation where you actually get to know someone and find those, those places where you connect with them.
Speaker A
Even though they might seem like you have nothing in common, you often do.
Speaker A
And walking them in a shame free way, sort of down that, that emotional and mental journey of seeing the world maybe a little bit differently than they did when you knocked on their door.
Speaker B
Yeah, that's.
Speaker B
I mean, that's fascinating talk about impactful work, but also like daunting because how many people do you get to talk to?
Speaker B
Like, you only have a finite amount of time too.
Speaker A
It's hard to scale.
Speaker A
That's the problem with this model.
Speaker A
It's hard to scale.
Speaker A
But again, it sounds so.
Speaker A
I promise I'm not a masochist.
Speaker A
It sounds so hard.
Speaker A
I loved it.
Speaker A
Like, I just, I loved it so much.
Speaker A
It's a puzzle, you know, and there I have that deep value that like, no matter what our disagreement is, I still honor you as a human.
Speaker A
And even if I leave your doorstep and.
Speaker A
And they were like, yeah, I just don't see it.
Speaker A
Like, I don't think I'm gonna be able to support you when I go to the ballot for the Noon8 campaign in California.
Speaker A
You know, at least we listened, you know, and at least.
Speaker A
And I came away changed from every single one of those conversations.
Speaker A
And I think that they did too.
Speaker A
In fact, we know 10 years after that we did those first conversations, there was a research project, they went back and they talked to, they found some of the actual voters we talked to.
Speaker A
And they found again, the most dramatic shift, the most dramatic and permanent shift, even 10 years later of their mindset around gay marriage, transgender, non discrimination protections.
Speaker B
All of that is having a real human story and connecting with another human.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
And, and even if you don't change their mind in the spot, I bet you planted seeds, you planted thoughts, ideas, you, you put a face, you put a human to a ballot measure, a whatever, you know, like, you put a real story to it, which I is so impactful.
Speaker B
It's another example of you finding your person out there that was like, like, oh, I'm not weird.
Speaker B
You know, like, it's another one of these things where you can, like, see it.
Speaker B
It's tangible, it's a, it's an experience that you can connect with.
Speaker B
I, I, I mean, I love that I wish we all just had deep conversations, you know, because I think that's how we find common ground and that.
Speaker A
We'Re all just trying to do the best we can.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
So I love that work.
Speaker A
I did that work in 2008 for the no.
Speaker A
18 campaign in California, which is the campaign when vot the polls to decide whether, you know, gay marriage should be legal in California.
Speaker A
And we lost that campaign.
Speaker A
We lost that campaign really badly.
Speaker A
Only a couple percentage points, but still, that's millions of votes in California.
Speaker A
And it was a, you know, obviously it was a hard loss for me, but by then, like, we, we were losing all the time.
Speaker A
We were losing all the time, baby.
Speaker A
It was a tough time.
Speaker A
2006, 2007, 2008 up to 2009, which was when I worked my first winning campaign.
Speaker A
But I think it was especially hard because I really felt in my heart of hearts like I was here fighting for gay marriage and I would never be able to get married.
Speaker A
Not because of the legal thing.
Speaker A
I knew that was gonna come eventually, but I really believe that I would never find someone to love me.
Speaker A
I really did.
Speaker A
You know, so in a way, the gay marriage thing, I was kind of doing it as an ally to gay people.
Speaker A
You know, it was kind of like my allyship work for them because I just didn't, didn't think that would ever happen to me.
Speaker A
And I really wanted to.
Speaker A
You know, I'm like a very loyal person, you know, Like, I, I really wanted to find a person, and I thought that I was marriage material.
Speaker A
I am great.
Speaker A
But I just didn't think that anyone would see that, you know, because I'm, I'm trans.
Speaker A
And it, it was such a barrier at the time.
Speaker B
Were you actively, like, seeking out if you could, or were there opportunities for you to try to date and things like that, or did you kind of shut yourself off because you felt it was.
Speaker B
Wasn't a possibility?
Speaker A
No, I cast a wide net, which is my very tactful way of talking about promiscuity in my early 20s.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
Because, I mean, it was like pre dating apps.
Speaker A
We didn't have that, you know, but there were other ways you could meet people.
Speaker A
But it, there's, you know, it was as sleazy then as it is now, and I think in retrospect did a lot of damage to me because, you know, what we're seeing now with social media behind the Internet mask, people said really, really horrific things about my body and about how they felt about my body and whether they would ever be with someone like me, you know, and so I think that reinforced the cultural narrative already that I was not someone that could ever be loved in that way.
Speaker A
So I tried to date, you know, but it was just.
Speaker A
Just hard.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
And you weren't finding the people because your.
Speaker B
Your goal wasn't necessarily that aspect of it.
Speaker B
It was more, you know, I want to find someone to love me and love them and create something with.
Speaker B
As I saw in this storybook thing that we're sold as, as children of.
Speaker B
This is what life can and should be for all of us.
Speaker B
And so it was.
Speaker B
That's what you were seeking, but that's not what you were finding.
Speaker A
Yeah, I was auditioning husbands, you know, like, and now that I'm looking back on it.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
And no one was ready for.
Speaker A
Yeah, they weren't.
Speaker A
They weren't even ready for the audition.
Speaker A
You know what I mean?
Speaker A
Like, it's.
Speaker A
Yeah, I was just very challenging to.
Speaker A
The narrative, the dichotomy, I guess, at the time.
Speaker A
And it really wasn't.
Speaker A
I mean, then I went to Kalamazoo.
Speaker A
I worked on my first winning campaign, which was actually the nation's first ever vote just on trans people.
Speaker A
So before, we'd always been lumped in with gay and lesbian and bisexual people.
Speaker A
This was the first ever gender identity and expression only vote in the country's most segregated city, which is actually Kalamazoo, Michigan, if you can believe it.
Speaker A
College town, you know, rural, but some pockets.
Speaker A
And we ran a really amazing campaign, and we won by 62%, which was really incredible.
Speaker A
It was a brutal campaign.
Speaker A
It was brutal.
Speaker A
The tactics that the other side used were.
Speaker A
Were really vicious, and it was hard to bounce back from that.
Speaker A
But after that campaign, I had been living in New York City.
Speaker A
I called my boss, I said, I want a car, a dog and a boyfriend.
Speaker A
And I Don't think I'm going to find that in New York.
Speaker A
I want to move back to la.
Speaker A
So he let me move back to la.
Speaker A
And within six months, I, like, met this amazing person.
Speaker A
And that's when everything changed.
Speaker B
Yeah, that was your life shift of meeting this person.
Speaker B
Do you feel like the moment where everything kind of changed for you was when you saw this person?
Speaker B
When you had your first conversation, Was it first date, was there?
Speaker B
Could you pinpoint that gradually?
Speaker A
Then suddenly, you know, I didn't even know it was happening.
Speaker A
And, you know, RuPaul says, like, basically, who's gonna love you if you can't love yourself?
Speaker A
And I disagree.
Speaker A
I think by seeing somebody fall in love with me, somebody that I loved and respected, I was like, maybe he's onto something.
Speaker A
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker A
To have someone be like, you're amazing.
Speaker A
I love everything about you.
Speaker A
I love every part of you.
Speaker A
I don't want you to be not trans.
Speaker A
I don't want you to hide that you're trans.
Speaker A
I'm proud to be with you.
Speaker A
I want to hold hands in public.
Speaker A
I want you to meet my family, you know, to be like, oh, that deep wound.
Speaker A
Just slowly over time, having, you know, just unconditional love and care reflected back to me.
Speaker A
Just slowly, slowly.
Speaker A
And then one day I noticed, like, oh, I'm standing up for myself a little bit more.
Speaker A
I'm not assuming that I'm a lesser person in this relationship.
Speaker A
I'm actually allowed to ask for concessions, you know, because for a very long time, and certainly when I was dating before that, I just assumed this person's already making this huge sacrifice just to be with someone like me.
Speaker A
I can't also ask that we do something that I like or want to do.
Speaker A
I can't also say I don't actually want to do that thing with you.
Speaker A
I did a lot of things I did not want to do.
Speaker A
And again, in retrospect, were probably quite dangerous for me because I didn't feel like I had a right to ask.
Speaker B
That's really hard.
Speaker B
Did you find in this.
Speaker B
Because you hadn't felt that kind of love before from someone that wasn't your family, maybe your friends and those kind of things.
Speaker B
Was it hard to accept at first, like, is this real?
Speaker B
Like, did you find a battle in yourself to be willing enough to accept that love?
Speaker A
Extremely hard.
Speaker A
I mean, it was extremely hard.
Speaker A
I was very insecure early on in our relationship, and I happen to have had the great fortune of meeting and falling in love with someone who I think is the most emotionally intelligent human I've ever met on the planet.
Speaker A
And just, you know, spoiler alert, it's, it'll be 15 years.
Speaker A
We've been together next month.
Speaker A
So it lasted.
Speaker A
But I remember early on he had a friend who I thought was cute.
Speaker A
And so I told him, oh, I don't want you to be friends with that person because I feel insecure about you being friends with that person.
Speaker A
And he was like, okay, well, you don't get to say who I'm friends with, but I'm happy to tell you before we hang out if that would help.
Speaker A
So you don't feel like it's a secret or whatever, but I'm not going to not be friends with someone because you think that they're cute, you know, and so there was just like.
Speaker A
And Even now, yes, 15 years later, he's like supremely boundaried.
Speaker A
Very much like, I'm not even going to take this on.
Speaker A
I'm not even going to reassure you.
Speaker A
I'm not interested in this person.
Speaker A
Here's what's not going to happen is you don't get to dictate who I'm friends with, you know, and so it was being with someone who had those kinds of boundaries that were like, oh, that's not healthy again, really helped me sort of write my own fears and anxieties.
Speaker A
And you know, he would occasionally say if, if I've done or said anything to lead you believe, to believe that I would cheat on you, let's talk about that.
Speaker A
You know, if there's anything I've done that's led to an insecurity, great, I want to have that conversation with you, but you're not going to tell me who I can and can't be friends with, you know, so it was just a lot of, a lot of those kinds of conversations.
Speaker B
Did you learn a lot about yourself?
Speaker B
And in finding a way to accept.
Speaker A
That love, what I really learned is ultimately like, I'm the one who's responsible for sort of like finding my own self worth and dignity.
Speaker A
It's not my partner's job to tell me I'm worthy of being loved.
Speaker A
And in fact, that's pretty annoying after a while, you know, so having someone who would just bump it back to me, you know, like I would say, how come you never say that like you like my outfit or I look cute?
Speaker A
And you know, he would always say, well, because what you, how you feel about yourself matters way more than like anything I can give you.
Speaker A
And the more I give you that feedback, the More you rely on it, like, this is your journey to go on.
Speaker A
You get cute however you think, because I'm gonna love you no matter what, you know, which is hard to hear in the moment.
Speaker A
I'm just like, oh, my God, just tell me that I look good, you know, but again, the longitudinal, like, 15 years later, I'm like, oh, thank goodness I'm not relying on another person to tell me I look good today or whatever, you know?
Speaker B
Well, no.
Speaker B
And it's so fascinating to also think about your story of, like, how you felt like you were never gonna find that, and then you find this person that really, like, challenges you in these ways that, like, you probably never could have even imagined.
Speaker B
Right.
Speaker B
Because you were conditioned to try to get as much love from anywhere that you could because of the way you were feeling and.
Speaker B
And seeking dangerous things just to kind of maybe feel.
Speaker B
Feel wanted or.
Speaker B
Or liked in a particular way.
Speaker B
And then to find someone like this, that's like, now let me teach you how we can both be full humans together.
Speaker A
We can both be full humans together.
Speaker A
And I'm.
Speaker A
I'm.
Speaker A
It might feel good in the moment to sort of, you know, soothe your insecurity in this way, but it doesn't fix the problem.
Speaker A
Yeah, the problem is there's some part of you that doesn't think you're worthy of love, and you.
Speaker A
That's the thing that you gotta fix, you know?
Speaker A
So, yeah, it's.
Speaker A
It's been a.
Speaker A
A long journey, the two of us together.
Speaker A
I mean, he's also had to learn to be more vulnerable.
Speaker A
You know, it's.
Speaker A
I saw it for many years as, oh, this is like some upper echelon of emotional intelligence that you don't need other people and they don't need you.
Speaker A
And again, all these years later, I'm like, oh, you are also just so afraid of being seen and seeing, you know, and so that's the gift that I've given him, is to be vulnerable and to say, I need you and I'm scared and I'm sad, you know, that's still a journey that, you know, that's sort of the second part of our journey that's about his path.
Speaker A
But to have that door slowly reopen, to be like, oh, I can be loved in all of who I am and to not feel like I need to be any different.
Speaker A
I don't need to put on a performance, just me, that door reopening, you know.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
It was profoundly healing.
Speaker B
Did you feel like you started to show up differently in other parts of Your life from this relationship and kind of feeling that real, true love.
Speaker A
A hundred percent.
Speaker A
I mean, at work, you know, showing up at work, not with that feeling of like, I don't deserve to be here.
Speaker A
I have to prove myself every day.
Speaker A
If something happens that doesn't feel great to me, I don't really have a right to say anything, you know?
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
To be able to say, you know, I don't like how that conversation went, and I'd love to give you a chance to do it over, you know, to have.
Speaker A
To be more empowered, to be more self assured, to be less insecure and.
Speaker A
And, you know, some of that is just age as well, but.
Speaker B
Yeah, but it could also go the other way.
Speaker B
I mean, I think a lot of people get older and get more insecure, so I think, you know, this is a good path.
Speaker B
I know you said your mom was very concerned when you decided to transition and worried about, you know, that how did.
Speaker B
When she got to see you being loved, was there.
Speaker B
Was there a reaction from your mother?
Speaker A
Yeah, I mean, there's, I think, two real pivotal moments.
Speaker A
The first time, you know, she came and she visited me when I was in performing arts school and I was in a show, and, you know, I.
Speaker A
I come out of the stage door just surrounded by all my classmates, as well as our professors in the program were also part of the theater company.
Speaker A
So there was like, you know, adults and teachers.
Speaker A
And I said, oh, this is my mom.
Speaker A
And everyone in my class, all of the professors were like, oh, my God, Tristan's amazing.
Speaker A
We love him so much.
Speaker A
You must be so proud.
Speaker A
And I think I feel like I saw, like, literally in one moment, that part of her that was worried I'd never have community, you know, that would know I was trans and accept me.
Speaker A
Like, I just saw her be like, oh, he can be surrounded by love wherever he goes.
Speaker A
He can have people who see him and accept him and who celebrate all the weirdness and awesomeness of my kid.
Speaker A
You know, I feel like.
Speaker A
I mean, after that, she never messed up my pronoun again.
Speaker A
She never called me by the wrong name again.
Speaker A
Like, seeing that was just like, oh, I can let go of that.
Speaker A
And the second time was.
Speaker A
Was during my wedding when my partner and I, when Biff and I got married, and we'd been together for years at that point.
Speaker A
Like, we had adopted Biff's niece and nephew who needed a place to stay, and we were the place.
Speaker A
You know, we had lived together.
Speaker A
We had a whole life.
Speaker A
But something about the wedding.
Speaker A
Remember after she walked Me down the aisle.
Speaker A
Biff's mom walked him down the aisle.
Speaker A
After we did the rings and everything, you know, she came up to me and she's like, now I don't have to worry about you.
Speaker A
And even though we had built this whole life, that's what we tried to tell people about marriage and gay marriage.
Speaker A
It really does matter.
Speaker A
It means something, you know?
Speaker A
And there was something about that that she felt like, again, she could let me go and trust this other person to sort of be the person looking out for me.
Speaker A
Even though by then I was in my 30s, I'm like, I'm a whole grown person, but there was still some part.
Speaker B
Stop.
Speaker A
They don't.
Speaker A
Yeah, Stop.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
And my mom still, you know, she'll text me out of nowhere and say, I hope you know how proud I am of you.
Speaker A
And I'm 42 years old, and to get that text is amazing.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
How do you respond?
Speaker A
I always say, look, I know you are, and thank you, and I wouldn't.
Speaker A
Couldn't have done it without you.
Speaker A
Well, you know, and she's a boomer, so she's just like.
Speaker A
She never says, I love you.
Speaker A
She's, like, very.
Speaker A
She's very standoffish.
Speaker B
That's probably why the actual marriage was, like, a good check mark for her, too.
Speaker B
Probably generational, kind of like that traditional, like, marriage is that, like, security, when really, it's not.
Speaker A
It's not anything, you know?
Speaker A
And she's a feminist, too.
Speaker A
She doesn't really believe in marriage, but something about it symbolically, you know, I think really, really helped her with that.
Speaker A
So.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker B
So, I mean, so you adopted children.
Speaker B
You have three children, though.
Speaker B
You've created this family for yourself.
Speaker B
Like, is this the life that you had dreamed of or something even bigger and better?
Speaker A
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A
We adopted two kids.
Speaker A
And then there is one area where I am a little bit of a pioneer, which is I'm a.
Speaker A
You know, I gave birth to my son myself as a transgender man.
Speaker A
Not the first, not even close.
Speaker A
Probably not the hundredth, maybe not the thousandth, but one of the few who chose to tell my story publicly again, thinking, like, possibility models.
Speaker A
Like, I want little baby Tristan to worry, you know, to have that thought of, like, oh, my gosh, I can never have a family.
Speaker A
I can never have a kid.
Speaker A
And then to see me and be like, oh, I can have all the things if I want.
Speaker A
No pressure, you know, no one has to.
Speaker A
But, yeah, I think in some ways, I understand from the outside, we look, like, so heteronormative.
Speaker A
You Know, it's like we're like, you know, married and three kids and two cats, blah, blah.
Speaker A
But I think for me, that 22 year old, more radical queer self looks at this and, and sees it as, you know, yeah, like the ultimate.
Speaker A
Like we did what queer people have always done.
Speaker A
We take the broken shards of glass that have been handed to us by the world and we put them together to make a mosaic.
Speaker A
Something that was, is far more beautiful than the scraps that we were handed.
Speaker A
And I think that's radically queer.
Speaker A
And I'm really proud of what we've built.
Speaker A
And even our kids, you know, having come from one family that could not give them what they needed and coming to us, like, that's a radically queer thing too, you know, to pick yourself up and go where, go where the love is instead of where you were planted.
Speaker A
We see that legacy living on in our kids and hope they'll pass it down to theirs.
Speaker B
Well, I mean, it sounds like you're, you're building a life for them that is something that they can maybe not emulate is not the right word, but to put back into the world, pour back into others cups the love that they're receiving, that you're receiving from them, that you're creating, plus the work that you're doing.
Speaker B
Right.
Speaker B
Maybe you can tell us a little bit more about like books and.
Speaker B
Right.
Speaker B
And all these things that are coming up in your world.
Speaker A
Yeah, well, I did, I wrote a book last year.
Speaker A
It's called how we do Family.
Speaker A
And it, it really goes a lot more into the, like, after I met Biff, what happened, you know, which we didn't talk about today, the, the adoption process, all of that, which is so important.
Speaker B
That's just another example of like possibility model.
Speaker B
Right.
Speaker B
Is that the reason you did it?
Speaker A
Yes.
Speaker A
Yeah, of course.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
Really?
Speaker A
I wrote it more for my mom and the archetypes of the moms than for trans people.
Speaker A
You know, some of the work I do is for trans folks somewhere from, for our parents to help them let go of their own grief and to see what's possible for their kids.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
And then I do a lot of work with family building organizations, surrogacy agencies, fertility clinics, et cetera, to help them really get ready to understand, support and welcome trans people.
Speaker A
There's, there's a trans baby boom happening.
Speaker A
It's going to continue to happen as people like me and you know, my transesters who told their stories, people are seeing this as more of a possibility.
Speaker A
We want more from the world than the world.
Speaker A
Has been prepared to give us in the past.
Speaker A
And despite what's happening federally, some.
Speaker A
Oh, Che Guevara said, like, you can't unteach someone how to read.
Speaker A
Right.
Speaker A
You can't un liberate a liberated person.
Speaker A
Once a person knows, oh, my gosh, I could.
Speaker A
I could find love, and I have a right to ask for love from the world.
Speaker A
I could build my own little empire of love, you know, I could build a family.
Speaker A
Oh, my gosh, you can't take that away from someone once they've seen it, you know, so that's a big part of the work I do as well as, you know, obviously, a lot in the corporate sphere around trans inclusion, storytelling, neurodiversity.
Speaker A
I mean, mentioned, I think, before we started that I have adhd.
Speaker A
I do a lot of coaching for folks who are neurodivergent, because I think, again, it's just one of the cool ways that we can show up in the world that's often misunderstood, and we can sort of get on that horse and ride it instead of running along behind it.
Speaker B
So, yeah, now, I mean, it's beautiful.
Speaker B
You're giving so much to the world.
Speaker B
Were you always a giver?
Speaker A
I don't think of myself as a giver.
Speaker A
That's so funny.
Speaker B
You're giving, like, everything.
Speaker B
I mean, I think you're.
Speaker B
I mean, I'm sure it's very fulfilling for yourself to help other people, but you're giving, like, the young version of Tristan, like, all the things that would have been beautiful for you to hear about, see in the world.
Speaker B
And now you're giving it and spreading it, like, wider than probably young Tristan could ever imagine.
Speaker B
So, like, good on you for doing that.
Speaker A
Yeah, I guess I just say yes a lot.
Speaker A
So when an opportunity comes along, I'm like, that sounds fun.
Speaker A
Sure, I'll write a book.
Speaker B
Yeah.
Speaker B
Do you feel.
Speaker B
Do you feel drawn to help other people or, like, what draws you to all of this?
Speaker A
Yeah, again, I don't ever see it as helping.
Speaker A
I really just see it as, like, what am I good at?
Speaker A
And then it feels great to do something you're good at, you know, and so that just happens to be what I'm good at, you know?
Speaker A
Right.
Speaker A
Like, right now, I'm doing free coaching for any federal employee who.
Speaker A
Who got fired by the Trump administration because their diversity, equity, inclusion work was cut.
Speaker A
Am I getting paid for that?
Speaker A
No.
Speaker A
Do I love it?
Speaker A
Yes.
Speaker A
Is there anything else I want to be doing right now in this moment?
Speaker A
No.
Speaker A
I can't impact these giant systems, but I can help one person at a time feel less alone, less scared, less like they have no control or power.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
I don't know, it just doesn't feel like helping.
Speaker A
It just feels like this is what I'm here to do.
Speaker A
And I've tried to do other things.
Speaker A
Believe me, I have things that make more money, things that make more sense on paper, things that are life, which my family would love.
Speaker A
I can't do it.
Speaker B
Yeah, no, I mean, I think that's beautiful.
Speaker B
I mean, to not feel like you are giving when you are feels so like the antithesis of what like the 1990s version of society would tell us to do as we grew up.
Speaker B
And the things like, if you're giving away something, you must be paid X amount of dollars.
Speaker B
And, you know, and I love that you found something that fills your cups so much that you don't even look at how much you're.
Speaker B
You're feeding into the world with all the things that you're doing.
Speaker B
I mean, it's like fantastic because you're, you're the possibility model.
Speaker B
Like everything that you're doing is giving.
Speaker B
Whoever it is, moms, kids, everyone in between, like a possibility of the things that are available to them.
Speaker B
To feel heard, to feel seen to, all the things.
Speaker B
So, like, kudos to you for just being you, I guess is the beautiful part of the story is that you're giving the world a lot.
Speaker A
So I see it.
Speaker A
It's my pleasure, it's my privilege.
Speaker A
And yeah, I do a lot of keynotes at conferences and people pay money for the magic that happens in that room when I tell my story.
Speaker A
And everyone goes, oh, I could be much more free than I am right now.
Speaker A
And that's worth something.
Speaker A
And people pay me for it.
Speaker A
And I'm happy to take that money.
Speaker B
I'll let you have that money.
Speaker B
You gotta pay your bills, you gotta pay for your family.
Speaker B
You have multiple kids.
Speaker B
Kids, you got, you got things to do.
Speaker A
So I think that they will not stop eating.
Speaker A
These kids, I tell you, you don't.
Speaker B
Want them to stop eating.
Speaker B
So I think that's probably.
Speaker A
I really don't.
Speaker A
I apologize.
Speaker A
I really don't.
Speaker B
I love to kind of wrap these stories up in with a question that I kind of ask everyone.
Speaker B
And I'm just thinking like this 2025 version of Tristan, with all that you're giving to the world, if there's anything that you could talk to that early 20s version of Tristan, who didn't feel, feel like anyone was ever going to love you or you didn't have that opportunity.
Speaker B
Is there anything that you would want to say to them?
Speaker A
It's the same thing I say anytime queer or trans youth asks me for advice.
Speaker A
Don't date mean people.
Speaker A
That's literally it.
Speaker A
I, I, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had not dated mean people.
Speaker A
That's, that's the whole thing.
Speaker B
You should probably give some tips on, like, how to identify a mean person.
Speaker B
I think some people would.
Speaker B
We're blinded at 20s, teens of like, what mean is.
Speaker B
Maybe it's the, the, the damaged versions of some of us of, like me with the dead parent.
Speaker B
It's kind of like, well, you, you, you accept certain things because you have this empty hole if, like, that you're trying to find something to love you to fill that.
Speaker B
So first we need a list on how to identify a mean person.
Speaker B
So that's your next, next book.
Speaker A
All right, I'll work on it.
Speaker B
So if people want to kind of get in your orbit, your circle, learn more about what you do, what's the best way to, like, find you?
Speaker A
Yeah, I'm not really on socials in any meaningful way anymore, but at my website, tristanreyse.com for the work that I do, like my work work, the keynotes and the trainings and the coaching, all that.
Speaker A
I do that through my consulting firm called Collaborate Consulting.
Speaker A
And then, yeah, buy the book and give it to your mom.
Speaker A
It's called How We Do Family.
Speaker A
I think it's called Lessons Learned from LGBTQ plus Parenthood and Adoption.
Speaker A
Some SEO thing they made me do.
Speaker B
For the subtitle, can people access the consulting stuff through your personal website?
Speaker B
Or they.
Speaker B
Okay, so there's links.
Speaker B
We can, we'll give every, all the information that we have into the show notes so people can find you, because I think there's going to be a lot of people that, that need the resources and, and see what you do.
Speaker B
So thank you for being you and thank you for, for allowing this conversation and for me to ask weird questions and put burdens on you that you didn't have.
Speaker B
I appreciate you.
Speaker A
Nope.
Speaker A
I gave full consent to tell my story and to be with you as you're learning too well.
Speaker B
Thank you for being a part of this journey.
Speaker B
Like I said earlier, every conversation is kind of like a healing part that I didn't know needed to be healed.
Speaker B
So thank you for being another band aid in this journey that I call life.
Speaker B
And I will say thank you to the listeners for just being a part this journey as well.
Speaker B
If there's something that Tristan said today that you think someone in your life might need to hear.
Speaker B
Maybe your mom needs to hear it.
Speaker B
Maybe someone in your family needs to hear this story.
Speaker B
Please share this episode with them.
Speaker B
We would be so grateful.
Speaker B
And with that, I'm going to say goodbye and I'll be back next week with a brand new episode.
Speaker B
Thanks again, Tristan.
Speaker B
For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com.
