Self-Sacrifice to Self-Discovery: The Power of a Laugh | Debbie Weiss

00:00
Interesting. You know, honestly, I've never thought about it like that. But, you know, everybody used to always say, oh, poor Debbie. I don't know how she does it. She's so strong. And I wouldn't like that. But then I guess on some level, I did like that because I maybe it made me feel important or noticed. No. And I was just going to say seen. I was just about to say or seen. So, yes, noticed. But I.

00:29
didn't realize that there was another way. And I didn't realize that I was so lost in feeling sorry for myself and this victim mentality. And let me just say, when I describe myself like that, I feel that the description is meaning that I'm walking around angry and somber all the time, but I wasn't, I am a happy, sunny person by nature. And so on the outside, I was doing that.

00:59
And what would happen is, you know, when you have that resentment and you're not taking care of yourself, it would build up inside. And then, you know, I would explode on whoever and whatever was something so insignificant. This week's guest is Debbie Weiss, and Debbie is such an interesting individual. And she is also a podcaster. She's an author.

01:26
but we really talked about her journey in her life from something that is more of self-sacrifice to self-discovery. And she shares her experiences as a caregiver, both for her father and also raising a child with special needs, all of which kind of led her to neglect her own needs and her own wants and desires. And we talk about the moment in which she realized that she had completely lost herself.

01:55
and the journey it took to find herself and find the things that would bring her joy. We also talked about how another moment as she was discovering herself really tried to throw her off her path. But we talk about the moments that she decided to not let that deter her despite the challenges and the grief and the sadness and all the things that we're facing.

02:23
at that moment in her life. Her journey serves as a powerful reminder that it's really never too late to prioritize our own well-being and really live that authentic and fulfilling life. So I think you will find so many helpful and useful reminders of how we should lean into the things that bring us joy and the things that serve us well so that we can help others.

02:53
Before we jump into this episode, as usual, I'd like to thank my Patreon supporters. This week I want to thank Traci and Miki and Emily for supporting two episodes a month on the Patreon. There are multiple tiers on the Patreon. There's general support all the way up to supporting two episodes a month. And all of this support helps to cover the production costs for me, this indie podcaster over here, trying to do as much as I can with the...

03:21
resources that I have access to but this patreon allows me to get access to more support and resources So if you're interested in joining the patreon, please head over to patreon.com The life shift podcast and you'll see all sorts of tiers They are available to offer support if you are not into the patreon and you just want to support me directly please reach out the life shift podcast at gmail.com and

03:50
I can give you some other options. If you do not have the financial support to offer, I'd love it if you share your favorite episode with someone that you think might resonate with the material in that episode. That would mean so much. So now, let's jump into my conversation with Debbie Weiss. I'm Matt Gilhooly, and this is The Life Shift, candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

04:26
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the LifeShift Podcast. I am here with Debbie. Hey, Debbie. Hey, Matt. So nice to be here. Thanks for having me. Well, thank you for being a part of this. I'm always so honored that people just want to come on and have a conversation, and we were talking a little bit before recording about how I truly want these to unfold, as if you were telling me this story for the first time, which you will be. Sometimes people get offended by that, so I'm glad that you're not offended that...

04:53
I haven't done my due diligence and research. Not at all. I think it's a novel idea. Most people don't do that. And I think it's a wonderful, wonderful way to go. So we'll see what happens. We'll see. And that's the best part. You never know where the conversations are going to go. And sometimes they really surprise me, like, wow, I really didn't know. Because I asked the guests to give me a sentence or two about what was that pivotal moment that changed everything. And so I know kind of.

05:23
in general what that idea is, but I don't know where the conversations are going to go. But what I find is that without having questions, like preconceived questions, my active listening allows me to take conversations where I can be curious about something and relate it to my own life in hopes that listeners out there can do the same as they're listening to your story. So I appreciate you going on this ride with me.

05:51
Absolutely. I think it's great. I actually started my own podcast a few months ago and I find it Difficult because I prepare and I have these questions and you're right I'm not paying attention as much because I'm thinking what am I gonna ask next? Well, and you know a lot of that was it was an exercise for me because the first couple episodes I did have a Kind of a question because I didn't know what I was really

06:17
where this journey was going to take me. And it reminded me a lot of corporate America in which when I was working and I would be in a meeting, I would be sitting there waiting for the next silence for me to say some kind of really super profound question or comment that made me sound smart. And I didn't pay attention to anything that was happening. It was just like, let me show off. And when I was doing those first couple episodes, I was doing the same like you described. I was just kind of waiting for the next silence. Like, here comes my next question.

06:47
I found this to be a lot more enjoyable. So maybe you'll find your way of some kind of medium in between, but welcome to the podcast. Thank you. It's such a rewarding and fulfilling journey for me. So I hope you find the same. Absolutely, it is. I have to say, every day that I get up, I'm still amazed that I can go on my computer. I'm old, so technology still amazes me. I can click a button, and I get to meet.

07:15
people who are so interesting and amazing anywhere, not only in the country, but the world. So it just lights me up. It's fascinating. Yeah. I never could imagine meeting some of the people, including yourself, that I've had the opportunity to do so. So let's get into your story. Maybe you can kind of, I think it's helpful for the listeners to understand kind of...

07:39
who you were before we get to your life shift moment. You can divulge that at any time. Some people like to lead up to it. Some people like to start off with it. So maybe kind of paint the picture of who you were and what life was like and we'll go from there. Okay, sounds good. So as a child, I was shy, not with people that I know, but I always had a weight problem and I have so many stories.

08:08
of being judged for my weight. And because of that, I retreated into myself. I had friends, like I said, I was fine, I was social with the people that I knew. Anyone that I didn't know, strangers, adult strangers, if my mom wanted to send me into a store to do an errand, I couldn't do it. I was too afraid to speak up. I was afraid of being seen and afraid of being judged.

08:38
Then the day after I graduated from high school, my dad, who had just turned 46, had a major stroke. And he then became, he survived, and then he became disabled. And my parents soon divorced, and he became my responsibility for the next 30 years. So he never lived with me, but I was his

09:07
had to start, or at least I felt, I had to start being a little more confident and coming out of my shell and speaking up because I was speaking up on his behalf, not for me. And I took my responsibility seriously and loved my father more than words can say, and I wanted to do whatever was best for him. And that was kind of the journey of through many, many...

09:37
challenges as we all have throughout life, but one after another, I, you know, as I was caregiving for my dad, I had, I went through six in vitro fertilizations to have my children and my oldest son at the age of two was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. And so all parents are caregivers, but when you have a child with special needs, it really kicks it up a notch. And a lot of advocating just like

10:06
you're kind of practicing with your father, but now you have a whole other set of something unfamiliar to you to advocate for someone that you love so dearly. Yeah, honestly, I remember when he was first diagnosed and I had so many questions and I just wanted to know, well, what do I do? What's the next right thing? What kind of therapy? What about the school district and all of this? And people would say, you are the mother, trust your gut. And I said,

10:35
I didn't even know what autism was really, you know, until a minute ago. And now you're asking me to take control of my son's life. It was daunting to say the least, and it has been quite a journey. He's 22 now and actually has added on other mental health diagnoses since then that are more of a problem than the other. So life was kind of tough.

11:04
For me, also working full-time, I have an insurance agency. It's my second career. So I think I'm maybe 28 years into that. But who's counting? Yeah, something like that. That's fascinating. You lose count. I got it's only 28 years. Well, it doesn't sound like a lot to me, I guess. My husband, who actually worked at the insurance agency with me, he...

11:35
I don't want to say he wasn't my equal partner because that doesn't feel fair because he was, but he wasn't taking on the burden of my son. And he wasn't doing the researching and I was basically making all of the moves and the decisions and that kind of thing. We had a younger son and life was hard, always taking care of somebody else. Were you noticeably not taking care of yourself?

12:04
100%. I didn't realize it then. Okay. So you didn't have like a set like resentment or any of those pieces. It was, or did you feel, what was that feeling like? Because I can imagine that if I'm pouring 100% and splitting that between taking care of my father and advocating for him, yet also navigating a world that is ever changing with your son and new technologies, new therapies.

12:33
whatever might be coming your way, I can imagine that a human would have a little bit of some kind of feeling that we attach shame to, but it shouldn't be because we're human. Did you have those kind of feelings? I sure did. I definitely had resentment. As a matter of fact, for so many years, and I didn't realize it until after my aha moment, I had a victim mentality. I was walking around.

13:01
feeling sorry for myself, saying, why me? Even when I was younger, in my 20s, none of my friends had the responsibility of taking care of a parent, right? It's not usually till midlife that that happens. And I had to always consider where my dad was, where he lived. It was a lot at that age when you're still trying to figure out who you are and what you wanna do. Did you settle into that feeling?

13:31
Did you find a weird sense of comfort having that feeling? And I have a reason that I ask you that, but I'm wondering. A weird sense of comfort. Because I'll go from my own experience. When my mother died when I was eight, many, many years, it took about 20 years for me to really get a grasp on my grief journey and kind of, I say close the door and people yell at me because, I can never close the door on grief. But for me, my mom at this point in my life is a figment. It's like.

13:58
I don't remember her because I was so young. But throughout that journey, I faced, you know, depression, anxiety, those kind of things. Never clinically diagnosed. But what I felt was really depressive episodes. And when I was in that time period of depression, I found it weirdly comforting to feel that way and so much easier to stay that way. And and like because I know how to exist in this in this.

14:28
depression kind of world, I don't know how to exist feeling good. I don't know how to get out, but I also don't know what I do when I get out there. That's kind of where it's like something so routine for you that I wonder if feeling that victim mentality was more comforting than trying to overcome. Let me ask you, did you realize at the time? I think I did. I think I did because everyone thinks they have the solution for you.

14:58
And everyone's like, well, if you do this, then you won't feel this way. And I'm like, well, no, that's too hard. You know, so I think I did, I did know how to get out, and I didn't really have the self-awareness, the bigger picture self-awareness. I think in the small moments, I knew I was choosing, I knew I was choosing that feeling, because it was comfortable. It was like a blanket, if you will. Interesting. You know, honestly, I've never thought about it like that.

15:28
You know, everybody used to always say, oh, poor Debbie, I don't know how she does it. She's so strong. And I wouldn't like that. But then I guess on some level I did like that because maybe it made me feel important. Right, or noticed. And I was just gonna say seen. I was just about to say, or seen. So yes, noticed. But I didn't realize that there was another way.

15:56
And I didn't realize that I was so lost in feeling sorry for myself and this victim mentality. And let me just say, when I describe myself like that, I feel that the description is meaning that I'm walking around angry and somber all the time, but I wasn't, I am a happy, sunny person by nature. And so on the outside, I was doing that. And what would happen is,

16:25
You know, when you have that resentment and you're not taking care of yourself, it would build up inside. And then, you know, I would explode on whoever and whatever was something so insignificant. And my family members not knowing where that came from. Because on the outside, you were always seemingly handling it. Yeah, always handling it.

16:52
always handling it. It was just the final straw kind of thing. It was like this little nap that I described flying around my office right now. Exactly, exactly. And then around the time, so this is my moment. When I turned 50, my friends insisted on taking me away for a weekend. And I loved the idea and it excited me, but I felt like I can't leave them.

17:20
they'll never survive because I was running every aspect of everybody's life. At that point, my kids were 10 and 12. My dad had actually passed away like two years prior. So I didn't have that responsibility. But my husband had, you know, he got overwhelmed with the kid's schedule and me not being there. It was almost like my husband felt like I was his, I don't wanna say security blanket, but...

17:49
kind of, because as I'll explain later, it turns out my husband was suffering from mental illness. And it wasn't apparent, but he had a lot of anxiety and I was his safety net. And for me to leave and leave him with the boys was tough. But he did it and I thought, oh, how am I gonna enjoy myself every minute I'm gonna be worried about them?

18:15
And it was three other women and myself. And we met at the airport. And from the second that we got to that airport, we started talking and laughing. And I had not felt that carefree since I was a kid. And it continued the whole entire weekend, laughing so loud, we thought they're gonna kick us off the island. We were in Bermuda.

18:43
And one night we're at dinner and I thought to myself, you know, I think that I used to be known for my laugh. I have a, I guess, memorable laugh, let's say. I think it was maybe in a good way that I was known for that. And I thought, am I making that up? It seems so foreign. And I asked them and they all, you know, looked at me.

19:13
couldn't believe I was asking this and said, of course. And something dawned on me that I had lost my laugh. Now, just figuratively, right? I was always still laughing, but I had lost who I was. I had lost myself in this whole caring for everybody else life and thinking that I was, you know, doing a great thing.

19:43
And I was. You were sacrificing. Yes, exactly. The ultimate sacrifice. And I thought too, these were the cards that I was dealt. Everybody gets dealt different cards, right? Just like you said, what your unfortunate, terrible circumstances were. And so some people have it worse, some people have it better. This is just it. And I'll just live out the rest of my life like this. Do you think we...

20:12
Do you think we tell ourselves that to just make ourselves feel better? We probably tell ourselves that because when I realized the aha eventual was, oh no, you're wrong. You have the power to control your life despite your circumstances. But it takes work and it takes dedication. Well, and it takes awareness. Yeah. Well. Because, you know, you kind of, like you said, you lost yourself. You were sacrificing. You were doing the things that on paper.

20:41
you thought everyone expected of you. Absolutely. And that's what we do is, well, if we're caring humans, I think that's what we do. And somehow down the lane, we forget that we also should be living our lives and not living our lives in service. Do you think there was anything specific, like that moment at dinner with your friends that made you think of that? The laugh thing really, really resonated with me.

21:10
You know, I knew who I was as a caregiver, right? I knew who I was as a mom and a boss and all of those things, but not really as Debbie. You know, who am I and is this it for me? Like when everyone was talking, having a conversation about what's your hopes and dreams? Well, I had hopes and dreams for my kids, which, you know, is normal, but never gave consideration to myself. It was just, well, whatever happens, happens.

21:39
Well, and you never went on vacation or did anything outside because you had to take care of everyone else. So you were just always on the back burner. Yep. When you realized that laugh, thought, or like, wait, I've lost her. Was there any sense of guilt that came up thinking that?

22:02
I don't think guilt at the time. I think amazement. Like what happened? How did this happen? What happened to the last 30 years? Where'd it go? Yeah, and there was no feeling like, oh wait, I shouldn't be thinking this because I need to take care of people. No. Good. That's what I would do, by the way. I'm projecting here. Yeah, I just, you know, because if you're that way for so long, I can imagine that.

22:30
that you're like, it's like the Wizard of Oz when she steps out. I can't believe you just said that. Because now I have to tell a whole different story. In the beginning of my book, I have this whole rant about, I was never a person with a quote. Like when I was younger, in yearbooks, they would say, well, what quote resonates with you, right? We're going to put this quote. And I don't know. I never had a quote. And I thought to myself, how?

23:00
How do kids this young have a quote? What's wrong with me that I don't have a quote? And then once I graduated from high school, and I don't even know if there was college year books I don't even remember, I thought, OK, good, this quote thing is over. And then social media happened. And in the beginning, people were putting quotes on their profile. I was like, oh my gosh. So a few years ago, we didn't get this far in the story, but since you brought it up, one day I'm thinking,

23:29
freeze pops in my head and I thought, wow, that is good. Did I make that up or did somebody else? So I Googled, obviously I didn't make it up. It was from Glinda the Good Witch in The Wizard of Oz who said, you've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself. And that was such an aha moment because how many times have I watched that movie?

23:56
although I'm a scaredy cat, so I really don't like to watch it too often. And I've heard that line. I didn't really think about it. All I thought is, Dorothy, all you had to do was click your shoes. And that's that. I never applied it to anything else. And now I'm a woman with a quote. And a lot of people that I've talked to, like, they'll read something or they'll hear something a million times.

24:25
And then this one day at the right moment, they see it, hear it, read it, whatever it might be, and it just clicks. Everything makes sense. But from the way that you described yourself kind of before this aha moment, and I think maybe we skipped over a couple things, but from the way that you describe that, I kind of see that you looked at the Wizard of Oz more in a practical sense of like a logical, like.

24:51
these are the steps that you need to do, because that was your life. These are the regimented things that you have to complete to get where you need to go. And so for Dorothy, it was as simple as just clicking your heels together and saying that. And so now that this new awakened version of you thinks about it, you're like, oh, there's a different story. There's a metaphor here. Yeah. Wow, those people were smart who wrote The Wizard of Oz. There's so many, there's so much in that movie.

25:21
Yeah, and there's a lot of mistakes that I like to watch too. Yeah, I know. Those are my favorite. Yeah. So maybe you can fill in the gap if there was something that we missed between that moment and Bermuda, because it sounds like that was a first kind of awakening, if you will. It was. And then when I came home, so as I said earlier, I've always had an issue with my weight. I've been on everything and up, down, all around the whole thing.

25:51
probably at one of my heaviest weights at my 50th birthday, that this is kind of where I'm gonna start. I'm gonna go back to Weight Watchers, because Weight Watchers and I, we were born the same year, in the same state, New York. It's meant to be. It was meant to be. But this time when I go back, I'm gonna change my mindset. In the past, I would go and it would be like, okay, I'm gonna be perfect on this diet.

26:20
and I better lose this much weight every week, and by three months, I better have this number, and all the things. And that perfectionist mindset, then the minute that you're not perfect, it's over. Right, you failed. Yep. So I said, this time, I am only going to go to the meetings. I'm not going to have any other expectations. Forget losing weight, forget all of it.

26:49
I am just committing to going weekly to the meetings. And that's what I did. And I really didn't lose weight. I just up and down, up and down a couple pounds. And once I was solid with that, I added something else. Now I'm going to track my food because that's something that you do. But I'm not going to do it perfect. I'm only going to do it 50% of the time. And three years, probably even more than three years, I was still at it.

27:17
I actually never hit my goal. I don't even know. I was looking to lose somewhere between 100 and 110 pounds. I hit the 90 pound mark for one day. I never saw that number again. So I'd say I teetered somewhere around 85-pound loss. And that was probably, I don't know, maybe like seven years ago now. And still haven't hit that goal.

27:46
But whatever, you know what? I realized in that moment. I realized there is no on-off. There is no endgame You're not racing for anything This is what it is. This is what you have to do for the rest of your life. Some days are good Some days they're not that's okay. And when I had success and Realized nothing changed with Weight Watchers, right? Like they're the same Weight Watchers

28:13
Yeah, they changed their program, but it wasn't that. It was all me and just what I was thinking. That's it. Yeah. Well, you let go of the reins a little bit. You know, because before you were controlling everything, every little aspect. Do you look back at your weight issues stemming from things? Any particular reason? Or do you think it was like, I have to control everything else. I don't want to control this. Honestly, I think it is genetic.

28:44
Okay. I do. Of course. Now, let me just say.

28:48
I added to that with terrible habits for my life. But the reason I just say it's genetic is because in my extended family, they all have weight issues. Not my, well, now they do, but as younger, my parents and my brother did not, which was very, very difficult to be like the fat girl in the thin family. My mother tells some story that when I was six months old, the doctor said, switch her to skim milk, she's gaining weight too quickly. You know, so.

29:18
weight issues growing up and a lot of it was just, I think it was me processing or not processing what I needed to and that was a control thing, something that I could find comfort in or whatever that might've been. But so that's kind of where that question came from. I think all of it was from that because before my mom died, I was fine. You know what though? I certainly had that throughout my lifetime.

29:43
I'm just saying that's not where it started. Like it stemmed that way for you. I had it from the beginning. But what would happen is, as I was growing up and I said my mom didn't have a weight issue, she was quite thin, didn't know what to do because I was so unhappy. So she would hide food and any kind of treat like cookies or cake or anything like that. There were all these hiding places that they would keep changing. And...

30:13
The three of them knew the hiding places, but I didn't. And then when I found them, I was like, well, who knows when I'm ever gonna get my hand on an Oreo again. And I remember I would always tell myself, Deb, just eat two, they won't notice, nobody will know that you even had it. And the next thing you know, I looked down and there was only two left in the bag. Yeah. Not blaming her because she didn't know what to do and I was unhappy about my weight, but it was...

30:42
very, very difficult. And back then, you would go on these practically starvation diets. Well, I think people still do. Yeah, they do. They do. But back then, there was fewer options. Exactly. It's like, here's your celery diet. Go for it. Have a good time. Yes. Well, I mean, so you did this. You had this awakening in Bermuda. And then you went on this kind of.

31:08
I would say a health journey, not so much a weight loss. I mean, you lost a lot of weight, but I think it was more about like, let's change how I look at my health and how I look at food and how I appreciate myself for what I can do in the world, is that, you know, you were kind of continuing your awakening period. Is that fair to say? Absolutely fair to say. What other parts of your life changed? Then I became, well, I became a little more confident.

31:36
as I lost weight, right? I felt a little more comfortable doing things out of my comfort zone and taking risks that I had never taken before, really stepping through the fear that I had. And as we know, with each time that we do that and we survive it, it makes us another notch in our belt, so to speak, and easier to do it.

32:06
the next time. Did you find yourself, this word is terrible, but I think you'll know what I mean. Did you find yourself being a little bit more selfish about things that you like, you know, putting yourself first every once in a while and not as selfless as you maybe were before? I think definitely during that time, I have actually always liked to exercise and I played sports and stuff. So I really, you know, made...

32:36
my exercise a priority at that point. You know, I had certain days that I did whatever and I rarely strayed from that. So I was making myself more of a priority because I think I was coming to the realization of I can't help anybody else if I'm empty, right? And this is the way that fills me. And honestly, exercise for me was great for physical, but it was all about the mental health.

33:06
That was my release. That was a place that I could go and not think about my problems and everybody else's problems. Did you find that it was affecting other areas of your life? This confidence, this awakening, this, you know, in your relationships with your husband, in your relationships with your children, did you find a new version of you that was navigating this world outside of, or maybe the resentment was some kind of baggage that you were pulling along? How did that... How did that...

33:35
part of your life change? I don't think that anything changed with my relationship with my husband. With my kids, you know, they would joke that, you know, they'd look at what I'm eating. Mom, is that on your diet? And I would say, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. So even now they're like, is that in your lifestyle? Right. But interestingly enough, I think that they were watching, realizing, right? You know?

34:04
It's not what you say, it's what you do. And I think that probably, I think they were proud. I think they were proud of me and what I had accomplished and how I continued and continue to still always work at it. But was it, did it bleed beyond the food and the health aspect? I mean, it sounds like awakening would be like, I need to come more into myself and that's just not.

34:35
Just the health piece, was your attitude different? Or did those pieces, yeah. So I'll tell you another story that kind of happened after that. I had always, I'm Jewish, I had been on the board of my small synagogue for 10 years. I was the treasurer for six and the vice president for three. And you know, the vice president, after the president's term is up, is expected that they're going to become president.

35:05
Well, I didn't want to be president. I mean, I secretly wanted to be president, but I couldn't say that out loud. And why didn't I want to be president? Because I was insecure. What if I couldn't run the board meetings effectively? Like everybody at these meetings is smart and they all want to be heard. And if they're all talking at once or it goes on too long, how am I going to stop it and reel everybody back in without hurting somebody's feelings?

35:35
Forget it, I can't be president. And then what happens if now I've got to make decisions that are not just affecting me, but they're affecting an organization, and what if I make a mistake? And the last thing that I was super afraid of that really like sealed the deal, I will never do this, is on the high holy days, the president had to get up.

36:03
twice in a 10-day period of time in front of the congregation. And that's when the place is packed and give a speech. Oh, no. No, no way. You're like, vice president is high enough. Exactly. And the year that the current president was leaving, and every year, let me just go back and say, every year that I agreed to be vice president, it was always with the understanding

36:32
This does not mean I'm going to be president because I'm not going to be president. But they didn't have enough volunteers, so they had nobody else to do it anyway, and they just, I guess, probably figured, oh, we'll talk her into it. When the call finally came asking me to be president, and I had done a lot of thinking about it leading up to this, I said yes. And I said yes because twofold. One, a.

36:58
kind of a history with my dad who had the stroke right before he was going to be president. And for him, that meant a lot. For me, it really didn't. Or at least I didn't think it did. And then I thought to myself, at the point, I was probably like 54. And I thought, fear is still ruling my life at 54 years old. Am I going to get to the end of my life and look back and regret the fact that I

37:26
couldn't put on my big girl pants and step up and do this. And that fear of the regret was the thing that finally sealed the deal. A little irony there. Yeah. So more irony because what happened was the day that I got up there to give my first speech, I'm surprised you didn't feel the tremors.

37:53
across the country because I was shaking and I was sitting in the Congregation before it was you know my turn and I was visualizing well I'll just go out to the ladies room the the rabbi has his cell phone I'll text him tell him I'm sick. My speech was already up there He can just read it and I'll never show my face there again. Like what was I thinking? Just can move to another exactly no one needs to know and

38:22
Of course I didn't do that. And I went up there and I started talking. And I had a little joke in the beginning and people laughed. And I was like, oh, OK, that kind of feels nice, right? They're laughing when I wanted them to laugh. And then I went into a story. And part of the story was about my dad. And I had practiced it I don't know how many times. And every time, I never got choked up.

38:51
But in that moment, standing there, right, in front of all these people, thinking about my father and the whole situation, I got very choked up and had to stop. And I looked out in the audience and I saw everyone looking at me. They weren't playing with their phones or looking at the floor. And so many of them, you could see the emotion in their eyes.

39:20
And I thought, this is what I want to do. Because to be able to have what I say impact someone like that, I don't know. I thought to myself, well, I can't believe this. 54 years, and I didn't even know that I could do this and how just incredibly rewarding it is. And since that day,

39:49
I, that's my, you know, that's been my dream, just is to be a motivational, inspirational speaker who can help people in any way, whatever way I'm talking about, because when I realize my journey and the things that I get joy out of, I realize it's always about helping people. If one of my friends or family members, anybody,

40:18
has a problem. The second they tell me the problem, I start thinking, what can I do? How can I fix this? And it's like a little too much because it's not my job, right? It was your job for many years. Well, that's still my job, but now I'm looking to do that for everyone, like make a profession out of helping everyone because I think I can't stand to see people suffer or I just wanna make it better for them. It's so interesting too that...

40:48
I find this a lot in this show, in my own journey, that that moment of vulnerability, when people saw that you were human, that you had these feelings that they could relate to, that you were putting it all out there on the stage and nothing bad happened, but only good happened. It's like you're opening the door, again, back to this thought of kind of like when you were sitting at the table with your friends in Bermuda.

41:15
I think of the scene in The Wizard of Oz where she walks out of the black and white, or the sepia tones, I should say, and she walks into the color. It's like you pierce the veil. Yes. And like, here I am as a human, I'm not perfect, I don't have to fix everything, and you can relate to me because I have a story. I have all these stories now. I think there's such power in telling our stories.

41:43
I think of it specifically related to this podcast is when I recorded an episode of my story with my first, actually my first episode guest. And it was really the first time that I told my story kind of from like beginning to end, if you will. And then I sent it to my father. And what's interesting is that my dad and I, we live that same experience, right? We live that same experience. And we've talked about pieces of that experience.

42:12
But he's never really heard me tell that story from beginning to end. And so it was the first time that he was able to or not able to interrupt or say, no, that's not how it was, or that's not how you felt. This is what, you know, and it led to such a wonderful conversation. And you know, and by putting out, like just opening the door to vulnerability and being like, look, I'm a human. There are a lot of aspects to me. I'm not just this performative person that you see on social media or whatever it may be.

42:42
There's such power in that. And so I love that when you did it and when you broke a little bit and you looked out there and people were, they were in it with you. That's right. They were cheering you on, like you were running a marathon or whatever that may be. We're here with you. When you're ready, keep going. I'm sure that's how that felt in some capacity. Oh yeah. And then afterwards, when everyone was coming up to me and they would...

43:11
say, oh, here's my story, right? That made me think of my father. That made me think of whatever the situation. So even though it wasn't exactly the same, I evoked something in them that they felt and brought them back to a certain place or a certain people. It was incredible. It's kind of the same idea of when that quote from The Wizard of Oz popped in your head. You know, they probably, you know.

43:41
They've seen you, they've met you, they've, you know, but now you said it this one time and it triggered something in them that made them remember fond memories or not fond memories, whatever it is to process, you know, and all of those pieces are okay. I think that's, that's fascinating. Would you say that that moment was more or less impactful than that laugh awareness moment in Bermuda? Like in the way that your life has changed? I think probably.

44:09
Oh, it's so hard because I feel like the laugh thing kind of started me on the journey. I think that moment propelled me, if that makes sense. You press the turbo button. Yeah, yep, because after that, and then I felt, I stepped into the role as president and I had some difficult issues to deal with during my two year presidency, and I feel like I did a good job. And I was confident.

44:38
in my abilities and of course, like anything else, once we do it, then grew more confident as time went on. And so when it was over, and at that point I was facing something very, very major with my son. I think I'm...

44:55
I don't want to say I knew I could do anything, but I saw you could survive, you could thrive. And I think it made me really see how I discovered, I never would have discovered what now has really become my passion if I had never stepped through my fear. Never. Either time, any of those times. Yeah, if you had just continued on.

45:25
with your lists and the things that needed to be accomplished for everyone else but you, yeah, we have to put ourselves in these situations in which we realize that we can do it. It's not impossible, which, you know, when you said you would have this fear of becoming president of your synagogue, and it made me think of, you know, I had the opportunity because my mom died, I had the opportunity to create a wonderful relationship with my father's mother.

45:55
And we had just such a great bond. We were best friends and, you know, inappropriate, which was wonderful. But I got to spend the last 96 hours of her life with her at her bedside. And I remember which made me think of what you were saying is she said, you know, I wish I hadn't worried so much because all that matters is love in the end, because all that mattered at the time was the people that loved her were around her. All the worries that she wasted her time doing through her years.

46:25
And it was conditioning of society, right? But it awakened me in a way to be like, just lean into things. You know, just... Yes. So what if it doesn't work? Then you know. Exactly. Then you've learned something. Exactly. You don't have to... And you don't do it again. Yeah. You know... Or you do it better next time. Your grandmother was obviously very smart, because, you know, that another concept that I had been unfamiliar with was mortality motivation. And the fact that...

46:54
So many people die with these types of regrets, and we have to learn something from them, from those regrets. And around, again, the same 50, 50 plus, whatever, I thought, boy, like, I'm moving along here. If I don't do something now and turn this ship around, I'm gonna be that person having all those regrets. And I just couldn't bear that thought.

47:23
that I would have wasted any more of my life. And I don't want to say wasted, I certainly didn't waste the first 50 years. We get it, we know what you're saying. You weren't living your life. Correct. You were living your life for others for a long period of your life. You were kind of forced into it as a younger individual. And then you just assumed that as... It became my identity. Debbie can do it, Debbie can take care of it, Debbie can do anything. She's so strong. But we didn't know who Debbie was. No.

47:53
No, I had no idea. I'm still learning now. And I'm less than 60 days to 60, to turning 60. So by the time this comes out, you'll be 60. So happy birthday. Thank you. And so like you said, you hit the turbo button at that point. Where did your life go? From there, I decided that money was a or not having enough money or being in a lot of debt was

48:23
a deep dark secret of mine. I controlled the money. I can give you a million excuses. And I was telling myself those million of excuses why I was in or we were in that situation. My husband knew but didn't know the extent, because any time that I would mention it to him, his anxiety ramped up. And then he was very difficult to be around. So I just kept it to myself. And I got to this point in.

48:52
2020, I would say, where I said, I got to do something. I have to take responsibility. And I thought, you know, I have a couple of different things that I can do. Yes, some cut some costs and I actually knew I needed to sell my house, but I, and I would have, but living with two people, my husband and my son.

49:16
with extreme anxiety, any kind of change like that would have pushed them both over the edge. So I said, okay, what else can I do? I can try and make more money. I can try and do it my insurance agency. But I tried for a little bit. It just didn't light me up. Let me find something else. And I thought I found some supplement that I was using that I loved, and this is what it was going to be. At the same time, I had been listening to podcasts. I had actually had discovered them.

49:44
I don't know where I was living under a rock. And somebody that I heard in a podcast, very motivational, and she was talking about this mastermind that she was in. And I thought, what is a mastermind? I had no idea. And it was a big monetary investment considering that I was trying to make money instead of spend more money. But I thought, well, if you're going to do it, I'm going to sell this stuff. I'm going to join this mastermind. And they're going to tell me how to sell it.

50:14
and bingo. I had no idea what I was getting into. It was 2020. Nothing was in person. It was all virtual. And so 150 people online. I go into this meeting and I was blown away. I actually felt like I was Dorothy stepping into the colored land of Oz because it was a world I had no idea existed.

50:43
There were all these entrepreneurs, a lot younger than me, who were doing all these things. I didn't even know were a thing. I didn't even know they were professions. I didn't know what a story coach was. I didn't know that there was motivational coaches. I didn't know any of it. At that point, I don't- People can get paid for that? Yeah, exactly. I think I didn't even know. Maybe I knew what a life coach was, kind of, but none of these other things.

51:13
And I quickly realized they are doing what lights them up. That's what I want. I wanna do that. And I jumped in, I'm telling you, with all I had, spent more money, but that's okay. And it's just money. Exactly, it's just money. And I really did and do think that now. It's all gonna work out. You know what? It all works out.

51:42
I am spending money with a purpose, not throwing money away, buying stupid stuff. It's different. And I decided I was going to coach other caregivers to prioritize their self-care, because that's what I had learned. And that was your story. And that was my story. And I started.

52:11
And in that period of time, it was difficult for me, even though I am not a therapist. Not that I wasn't interested in other people's stories, but I didn't want the coaching to be about the caregiving. I wanted it to be how, I don't wanna hear about the person you're caring for. Yes, initially, of course, I wanna know who you are and what your situation is, but I don't want each, that's not the point of this.

52:39
This is to teach you how to care for yourself, not how to care for your person. Right, you already know how to do that. Yeah, and it was very hard to separate that. And I found that because I was going through my own caregiving journey at that point pretty intensely, I couldn't handle it. And I quickly realized that. And then when I discovered my Dorothy quote, I realized I have such a bigger, broader message to share than to just caregivers.

53:08
Because if I was 50 something years old and I didn't realize that I had the power, my dear, you know, there must be other 50 year olds, there must be other people, whatever age, that don't know either. And I don't know why I didn't know. Why didn't I know? I mean, I'm a fairly intelligent person, I think. And that was it. That was my message. Like, I want to reach those people.

53:37
who were exactly like I was, going along, maybe being a victim or maybe just settling, figuring this is all there is, and not realizing that they do have the power. They just have to take responsibility and control and make the moves. And at that point I said, okay, well, how am I gonna do that? Because I wanna speak on stages and I wanna share my story and my message. And...

54:07
The quickest way to reach as many people as possible was by writing a book. However, I don't write. Little problem, right? You know, I don't. I guess so. Yeah, I don't write. I'm a numbers girl. CPA was my first career and then insurance. You know, I was the person in college who said, well, I'm not gonna take psychology if I've got to write papers. So how am I gonna write a book?

54:37
And another podcast changed my life, as I'm sure you've changed many lives with yours. Heard a woman being interviewed, she helped first-time authors get their stories out there. I connected with her, listening to her, felt like she was someone I could work with. And I contacted her and she was starting a 12-week course. And I thought, okay, this is what I'm going to do.

55:06
And probably a couple of days later, my husband gets diagnosed with terminal blood cancer. And I thought, well, this probably isn't the best time to try and write a book when you have no idea what you're doing. And I actually talked to my therapist. And I said, well, look, I can't join this class because obviously I'm in the thick of it. What if there's homework?

55:36
And I'm not prepared because I'm an A student. And what if we go to the class and the teacher wants us to read what we wrote out loud? What if they judge me? What if they think, oh my goodness, this woman is like writing C. Dick Run books? And not to mention, when am I going to have the time to do this? And my therapist said, no, you're wrong.

56:05
She didn't say it like that, but that's what she was saying. She said, I think this would actually be good for you because this is going to give you something of your own, something completely unrelated to focus on during this time. And not lose yourself again. That's right. I'm glad she said that. I'm glad that you leaned into that because it's easy to fall back into our own patterns.

56:34
are old patterns, I should say. When the first part of your life was all just caring completely for someone else and then getting this news about your husband, I can imagine would put you back into some of those like, oh, I've been doing all this stuff, but I'll come back to that later. Oh, a thousand percent, especially something like this. Like I said, actually, about six weeks before his diagnosis, he had been hospitalized for mental illness.

57:04
So needless to say, a terminal diagnosis, anybody who does not suffer from mental illness, it's devastating and extremely difficult to deal with. But then when you add in the mental illness, it's tough. It looks like you put out this book. It looks like you finished this book. You finished this. Did you write this while he was battling this and you divulged a little bit of information, but maybe you can share. Sure.

57:34
So yes, I did. I wrote it. He lived for six months from that time. The course started September 1, approximately. And I wanted to be done with the first draft by the end of the year. This was last year, 2022. And he died suddenly on December 30. So even though he had a terminal diagnosis,

58:04
you know, he's in hospice and we're waiting. No, it was a shock to me, to myself and my kids. And I was two chapters shy. And after everybody, you know, the funeral and everybody went home and you know, you're just left alone to deal, I decided I'm gonna just finish it because.

58:31
I was working with an editor and I was supposed to have it to her by January 14th. Of course, she said, don't be silly, we'll extend the due date. I said, no. It kept me sane and focused on something during that difficult time when he was battling and now I'm battling, so I'm going to finish it. I got it to her by January 14th. It was actually published last week of our recording.

58:59
which it was published on August 9th. Thank you. And it's weird, crazy, exciting. It's weird, crazy, and I think I've heard a lot of people that write books, especially ones that are kind of attached to personal story, how healing they can also be. And I found some of my healing journey was in writing as well. And just putting those words out, just get them out of your head. Sometimes in your head, they're a lot scarier.

59:29
when you were debating, signing up for this class, or when you got the news about your husband and being like, I can't, what if this happens? What if this happens? But then like, none of it happened, I'm sure. Or if it did, it wasn't really that bad. It didn't happen. Yeah, and I think what's, what probably saved you in some way, and forgive me for projecting here, but had you not found yourself

01:00:01
in this journey, you know, starting in Bermuda with your friends and then gaining this confidence. I think, you know, I know you're still in the thick of grief and this journey, but I think had you not done that, this whole part would be a lot harder. Because, you know, because you would just be in that caregiver mode, you wouldn't, you know, be able to do this. But now you know that there's a possibility. There's something for you. There are things out there for you that exist outside of you being a caregiver.

01:00:31
I hope that you feel some kind of connection to that. Absolutely. I 100% feel a connection to that. And I do feel guilty saying it's exciting and invigorating and freeing because it is only seven months, close to eight months now. And I feel like I shouldn't be saying that. Everyone says, how are you doing? And of course, I have.

01:01:00
like everyone, big moments of grief that, you know, there's those times, like the dates, you know, our anniversary, the first Valentine's Day, like all of those things where you expect that. But it's really when you don't expect it, when it just smacks you in the face, right? When you're like, where did that come from? Yeah. That's, that's what's hard. And in the beginning, you know, in the beginning, you're just...

01:01:30
trying to get through every second. But still, this eight months out, it's still surreal and I still look outside because he used to sit right out there where I'm sitting and you still think I'm gonna see him there even though obviously I know. So I do feel guilty that I feel like I've been stepping into this new best version of myself. At a time like this, it's almost, you know.

01:01:59
metaphorically, you know, my butter, I've emerged as the butterfly. And I feel guilty because it's at this time and I don't want it to feel like, oh, it was my husband who was holding me back and now he's gone. And so she's good to go because it's not like that. And I think that perception, I'm a concern that people will perceive it as that just because of the timing. I don't think so. I mean, I, and I think

01:02:28
Maybe people that have never experienced grief or loss or something along that might see that, but people that have gone through this journey, I think we can all relate to, for me, I'll just go to me. My mom died that journey, grief, I don't recommend that journey, but that was my journey. That was how I needed to do it. That was how I needed to process it. When my grandmother died, it was very much like in your situation here, in which I was sad, of course.

01:02:57
She was my best friend and I watched her till the very end, but it was an awakening. It was the time in which my life also was like, okay, that doesn't serve me anymore. There's no reason for me to do that. So it was almost like this permission and I think there's a little bit of that which comes with mortality and just seeing someone pass. You're like, wait a second, this is how much time I have. And so lean into it. So I hope that that guilt piece goes away because I don't see it as someone that...

01:03:27
has experienced something similar, I think that you shouldn't stop living. You should do more. You should do more things. And you're gonna have bad moments, and that's okay. You're gonna be sad, that's okay. You're gonna be mad, you're gonna be happy. You're gonna be all the things because you're a human. And I think we need to normalize that grief is not this linear path, that we can have really fantastic days, that we can laugh, and you can get your laugh back, and you can do all these things that Debbie.

01:03:56
not the caregiver version of Debbie, but just Debbie can feel however she wants to feel because it's your journey and not anyone else's. Well, I appreciate that. I threw myself a big book launch party. I thought, you know what? I need a party. Yeah. I need... And no one thought any different of you for doing that. No. Everyone had a good time. We all had a good time. Exactly. Yeah. I say I keep leaning into it.

01:04:27
Tragedy can birth really good things sometimes, you know, and we have to be willing to see that as what it is and kind of accept that and be okay with that and understand that guilt's gonna come with that. And I think that's just part of being us and being caring humans. But, you know, I see big things for you. Well, thank you. I like to kind of wrap up these conversations with a question and I wonder if like this version of Debbie.

01:04:57
books launched, books out into the world, you're stepping into this, like helping other people, motivating other people. If you could go back to the Debbie that was planning that trip for Bermuda with her friends, what would you say to her?

01:05:14
I would say.

01:05:18
listen to your gut. I think for the longest time I had dreams and hopes and intuition as we all do that I stuffed down and ignored. And when you start, like you said, to lean in, to really listen to yourself and be honest with yourself. I think for so long I was never honest with myself.

01:05:48
You have to be. So, I think that's what I would tell her. Listen to your gut. Yep. Well, I appreciate you sharing your story. I think there's gonna be so many people that can relate to many different aspects of your story and love the fact that you've now found yourself and you found, like, really what might feel the thing that lights you up or your purpose in this world. And I appreciate you just sharing your story. If people want to...

01:06:17
find you, connect with you, what's the best way that they can do that? And I'll include some of that stuff in the show notes. I appreciate that. My website, which is DebbieRWeiss.com. The R is pivotal because there's another one without the R. Never knew. Don't like my middle name, but I guess I'm going to have to learn to... Also an author too, right? Yes. Oh, I can't believe. You know what? She and I are going to meet on Monday. Good. You know, she's also a widow. Really? Yeah. Well...

01:06:46
And she was the same age as I am. Very strange. So, yeah. Thank you for that. And all my social media, the book can be found anywhere. It's called On Second Thought. Maybe I can, wherever books are sold online. All the information about my speaking and everything's there, wrweiss.com. So, thank you, Matt. We will keep that link in the show notes so people can connect with you and check out your book and all the other things and connect with you on social.

01:07:16
Again, I appreciate you sharing your story and just wanting to be a part of this journey. It's the most fulfilling journey I never knew I would be on. See, me too. And thank you so much. This is a wonderful conversation. I so enjoyed meeting you and talking to you. Likewise. And for those of you listening, if you enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you would just share it with a friend, share it with someone that you think might be.

01:07:41
that might resonate with Debbie's story or something that she said. It might be her little, and when she talked about her quote that popped in her head and she didn't know if she said it or if Glinda said it. But apparently it was Glinda. Darn. But thank you for listening. And we'll be back next week with a brand new episode of the Life Shift podcast. Thanks again, Debbie. Thank you.

01:08:12
For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com