From Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming Trauma & Finding Purpose | Sarah Blankenship

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If it weren't for them, I'm honestly a little afraid of what would happen. On this week's episode, I speak with Sarah Blankenship about the time when her marriage ended and she was faced with poverty. And she was faced with something that was unfamiliar to her. And she had three small kids looking to her for protection and support. And she found herself deeply depressed and in a space that was very difficult to get out of.

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And through this conversation, it was interesting to unravel that story and find those precise moments in which she was ready to pull herself out of that depression that she describes and also find a way to start providing for her children the way that she wanted to. So I hope you enjoy this episode. And as a reminder,

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I just launched the Patreon for the Life Shift podcast, and I have such lovely supporters right now. And some of those tiers offer sponsorship of different episodes. So thank you to Tracy and Emily for sponsoring multiple episodes a month. And then I have friends that are sponsoring one episode a month. There are tiers that offer bonus episodes. So I just released a bonus episode recording for everyone to hear on the public feed.

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with my friend Marty from episode eight. So episodes like that will be available on the Patreon tier moving forward. Come on over to the Patreon page, the link is in the show notes, to help support the show and add new tools to my toolbox so that I can keep doing this show for as long as possible. So, thank you for that, and I hope you enjoy this conversation with Sarah Blankenship. I'm Matt Gilhooly, and this is The Life Shift.

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candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

02:04
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Life Shift podcast. I am here with a new connection, Sarah. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Matt. And so before we were recording, we were actually talking about kind of our missions and why the Life Shift podcast exists and why Sarah does what she does. And we're not going to tell you just yet. She will let you know in a few minutes. But we were talking about how these stories that my guests are sharing with us are so impactful.

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because we never know who's out there and who is listening that just needs to hear that someone else went through something that we've also gone through. And that's part of the reason that in the middle of season one, I decided to share my story as well, because I was leading all these conversations and someone was like, why is Matt doing this? Why is he the leading it? And this whole podcast started because of an external life shift that happened to me when I was a kid.

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And when my mom died, everything changed. And at that time, I felt like I was the only person who ever had a mother die. And so Sarah's here today to tell us her story. And her story is tough and there's a lot of growth from it, but I don't think she's the only person that's ever gone through it. So I think we're gonna hit that mission today in our conversation, Sarah, what do you think?

03:30
I'm very excited to share my story. I'm excited to be here. I am an avid listener and I absolutely knew the second that I heard your episode about your story, I knew this was the podcast for me to do my first podcast appearance and so I'm super excited to share my story and

03:52
I'm excited to share my mission and help other people, which is ultimately the reason that I'm here and the reason that I share my story every day, because my ultimate goal is to help as many people as I possibly can by sharing my story. You know what? And I think we'll do that. I think we'll get there today. And it's funny because sometimes, and maybe you've had this before too, you're listening to one of these episodes and I get like these messages behind the scenes and they're like,

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Oh, and so-and-so said this, it really resonated. And in my head, I'm like, that wasn't even like the big part. It was just this little moment. So you never know how you're going to affect someone's life by what you share. So I'm just so honored that all of you guests have trusted me to be a part of this journey of sharing your stories. So with that being said, I like that the guests share kind of who they were.

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what was happening in their life, kind of painting the picture of the version of you before kind of this big moment in your life that changed everything. And in your case, it was a pretty drastic shift. So give us a little bit about what life was like before this moment in time. Wow, I've kind of debated on how far to go back, but I think ultimately, I can't really tell my story without talking about my first.

05:14
major life shift, which was when my mom died when I was 21 years old. I was 21, kind of clueless, didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't go to college. I took the very rebel, Gen X-er, non-traditional path of life because I was hell bent on not conforming and doing anything that anyone wanted me to do or told me that I should do because I was going to do it my way. And looking back now.

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I wish I would have taken at least some of the advice that I was given, but live and learn, right? About two months before my mom died, I met someone who now would be my ex-husband. And that really was a life-changing time for many, many reasons. My mom had died very, very unexpectedly. She died from bacterial meningitis, which a lot of people don't know can be...

06:10
can be fatal, you know, you just don't hear a lot about that. So it was very quick and sudden and I hadn't lost anyone in my life. I still had all my grandparents, so I didn't even know what loss was. And then to lose the person who was my constant in my life was earth shattering. And so when all of this to say, when I met my ex-husband,

06:35
Very quickly, I was in an extremely vulnerable state. I was so averse to loss that I clung to everyone around me as much as possible. Because once you've lost the person in your life, you don't want to lose anyone else. And so when we met, we had kind of this, I call it a pretty woman fairy tale type relationship. We were just so head over heels in love.

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couldn't stand to be apart and had some really incredible adventures together. And, you know, just had so much fun together. We were the couple that when people met us, they were like, wow, you all are just so in love. You all are such a great couple. You know, you're so great together. All these things that, you know, are very validating and, you know, make you think, wow, I'm I'm with the right person. Well.

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Very early on in the relationship, I started to see some things that might lead one to think that it wasn't the healthiest relationship. And because I was so afraid of another loss and afraid of being alone, I just clung to him like a life raft. And to further add to that, he came from a very wealthy family. And I was from...

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definitely a very lower middle-class family. And so, you know, the first time I went to his parents' house, they broke out the crystal and the silver. And it's like the moment in Pretty Woman, which fork do I use? I mean, it was wild. You know, we're going off on vacations to Mexico. I'd never even seen the ocean. And so it was very romantic and very comforting. You know, here's someone that...

08:23
was my person, you know, that was my best friend. We had so much fun together and... Do you think that, you know, because I relate to the idea of losing someone and then doing all in your power to not lose someone else, whether that pressure was put on you at all, but did you look at this new relationship or him with all the things that you didn't have before kind of like as a savior out of that moment? Absolutely.

08:51
Absolutely. And to go back even further, my parents, they were high school sweethearts and got married right out of high school. My mother's family was very against the marriage. They knew. They saw all the signs that she didn't see because she was in love. And they divorced when I was not even a year old. And my grandfather who...

09:19
is no longer here, but will always be my hero. I always compare him to a real life version of John Wayne. I mean, he was a man's man and he always was the constant male figure in my life, you know, and taught me that I could do anything that any boy could do, you know, and he taught me all those things. I was under cars, you know, working on cars and so...

09:47
He was very supportive and my constant. So when they divorced, he basically approached my biological father and more or less was like, we know you don't wanna be here, so you don't have to stick around if you don't want to, more or less. And from that day forward, he was never in my life again. And thank God that he did that, that he had the foresight to do that because after my mom's death,

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one of my many, many, I think six or eight half siblings through my biological father. And they had some really horrific stories about their childhood. So my grandfather literally saved my life in every way possible. And so my mom got remarried when I was around six years old. And that was the man that I know as my father, but it was a very unhealthy relationship. We more or less kind of

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ways mutually after my mom died because she was the peacekeeper between us. And it was a very toxic parent-child relationship, an emotionally abusive relationship. And I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough and I wasn't worthy and I was not smart and you know always told the negative things, never any of the positive things. And so when I met my ex-husband I didn't really know

11:15
other than my grandfather, what a healthy relationship was with the man of my life. So when the cracks started showing, I just ignored them because all I knew about love, you know, what love from my stepfather was that it hurts. When people do things that they say they do because they care about you and it hurts you emotionally or physically, and that's how you were raised.

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I think a lot of people gravitate towards those types of relationships. And I absolutely did. Looking back now, I think, wow, I mean, not that I didn't have a choice, but it's like the universe just kind of put me with what I was comfortable with, I guess. And, and even to this day, I mean, it's, it's hard for me to not be in a relationship that's, that's like that.

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I think that's common too. I don't think that's unique to you. I think we gravitate to what we know and what is, whether it's healthy or not, what is comfortable. And growing up only seeing firsthand encounters of not great marriages or not healthy marriages and not great emotionally healthy environments that you were in, it makes sense. It seems to be something we as humans do is we kind of...

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find what's familiar. I mean, I've talked to people about this too, and this a little off topic or off in a tangent a little bit, but if you've ever been depressed or you've ever felt down, there are moments in that season of your life in which it's much, much easier to stay depressed than it is to work your way out of it. And so I think, you know, on a small way that connects to kind of we seek out these things that are familiar and easier.

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even if from the outside, they're like, other people are probably like, what the heck are you doing? You know, and you're like, it's fine. This is my life. It's normal. It was normal for me. And I look back now, you know, the any, you know, serious relationships that I had in high school and immediately after high school, they were so dysfunctional. I was so lost. I was I was struggling so much and just absolutely desperate for.

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a male's attention that was truly going to love me and just care for me and take care of me and save me from the horrible situation that I was in. I moved out of the house the day I turned 18, the beginning of my senior year. I mean, I got out of there as fast as I could and made a lot of really bad decisions, but I didn't know what else to do to escape.

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how that relationship made me feel. And so when I met my ex-husband, in the very beginning, like I said, it was a fairytale. It was incredible. We were the golden couple and we had so much fun. And I had the opportunity to have experiences that I would never have experienced before. And it was so dizzying. I don't know what other word to use. I mean, he love bombed me to the extreme.

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and which, you know, I now know that is not necessarily a healthy thing. And just very quickly sucked me in. And when we had been together for, by the time we had been together about five years, we were very on again, off again. It had become just an absolutely toxic relationship. There were some, some struggles on his part that he dealt with that really, truly.

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made our relationship very challenging at best. And so we actually had broken up and for me, that was it done, you know, given all this stuff back, that was it. And three weeks later, I find out I'm pregnant and I was pregnant with my oldest son. And so, you know, when he finds out, he calls me at three o'clock in the morning.

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crying, you know, I love you, I'll do whatever I can to, you know, take care of you and take care of the baby. And of course, you know, that's what I want. That's all I needed to hear, you know, forget all the bad stuff, right? Because that's what you want to hear. And so we proceeded to have two more children, we did get married. And we had a great relationship, but we also had an absolutely awful relationship at the same time. The highs were just

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the highest of highs and the lows were absolutely heartbreaking. At any point, did you feel that you were living your mom's life? I don't... No, I didn't. I didn't ever think that. I see that now. I absolutely see that now. It's like blinders. Oh, absolutely. After a lot of therapy and a lot of self-reflection...

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I see now like, wow, I just did what was mirrored for me, what I knew. And, you know, and once I did realize that it was to a point where it was not a safe relationship to be in, I wanted to leave, but I was scared. You know, I knew his family had money. I knew that I was broke. You know, I didn't have really any family support.

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you know, financially or otherwise. And so I very much felt trapped that even the times when I did want to leave, there was no opportunity for that just because it just, it just wasn't possible. And so in 2011, we were actually in what I thought was a good place. We had a 10 month old.

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baby boy, the third of our three boys, and things were actually in a pretty good place, or so I thought, and out of the blue, he comes to me and says that he no longer wants to be married, and to say that that was a shock would be an absolutely gross understatement of the situation. I was shocked, everyone around us was shocked, I mean, because we were the couple.

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Nobody had a clue what went on behind closed doors. And so we were the couple. And so everyone was just shocked. Why, why, what happened? And as time went on and I started sharing my story about the whys, people were very shocked or they just didn't want to believe it. And...

18:12
It was hard for people to believe. It was hardest for me to believe. I mean, here I had these three boys that were 10 months, three years old, and seven years old. And at that time, my oldest son and my ex-husband were very close. And so he was absolutely devastated whenever we had to sit down and have the conversation about divorce. And when I look back over...

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I said I wasn't gonna cry. When I look back over everything, that's what I think gets me more than anything is having to tell him, your dad's moving out and we're not gonna be living together anymore. And so that was, he was absolutely devastated. Do you think that, cause you said you were very surprised, but yet through this whole relationship,

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you, there were many moments in which you wanted out, but you didn't know how to get out. Was there any little tiny piece of you that felt some kind of weird relief or freedom? No. And, you know, the reason why, well, there are lots of reasons, but one of which I... Because you're a human. I'm a human. And, you know, we had been together for...

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13 years and we had grown up together. We had been through all of these incredible life experiences together, including, you know, having three amazing children. And, you know, he was my calm in the storm when he wasn't the storm, which is very dysfunctional. We've all been there. Yeah. Later down the road, I realized that it was an extremely codependent relationship.

20:05
And so my whole life up to that point was about trying to save him from himself and always putting him above me because I felt sorry for him because of the struggles that he had. And I honestly just didn't know how I was going to support three kids. That was the scariest thing because here in Oklahoma where I live is at that time, especially there were very few resources.

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I was just terrified of what's next. And there was no relief because I was just too busy being scared about how are we going to survive? How are we going to do this? So- It became a logistics. It's like, was he kind of, and you don't have to answer this, but was he more of the breadwinner? I mean, I know you said he comes from a wealthy family. So, now that's, you know, that's a relief in itself when someone else can provide.

21:04
enough, but now I'm sure the question was like financially, like, what are we going to do? Plus three kids under seven? Mm hmm. Yeah, he was the primary breadwinner and I had a photography business that that I did on the side, you know, is fun and some extra money and, you know, had income and in my business was quickly growing. And I was honestly when we divorced at the point

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I'm going to have to go big or really scale back. That's really where I was, but it was okay because I had a partner to help me. You know, if I was working nights and weekends or traveling out of the country to shoot a wedding, you know, it was okay. And then I became a single parent and we sold the family home and the boys and I moved into a three bedroom apartment on the second floor, my poor neighbors.

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to this day, I think they're saints for putting up with us. But we moved into an apartment and our life completely changed overnight. We went from being a family unit and being safe and secure as far as the kids were concerned, because I shielded them from most everything. And so they didn't understand why, especially because they didn't know.

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any of the things that happened behind closed doors. And so, or they were too little to understand. And so we were almost instantly thrust into living well below the poverty level. We were on food stamps. I would drive my boys to school and come back home and our electricity would be shut off. And at one point we were evicted. It was just about as bad as it could possibly get. And...

23:01
for the first probably three to four years, I had two young kids that were, they were not in elementary school yet. And so putting them in daycare full time didn't even make sense for me to try to enter the traditional workforce because I would essentially be paying for daycare. And again, the resources here in Oklahoma were just not so great at the time. And so I more or less just dug in my heels and said, I'll do what I can with

23:31
with my business, my photography business, and we'll just have to make it work. But in those three to four years, it was really dark. I was extremely depressed. It was a very acrimonious divorce. Visitations didn't go well. And after the first couple of years, my oldest son decided not to do visitation with his father anymore. And I more or less had the boys full time. Which is?

24:01
I mean, it's a great family piece, but that's that extra burden that doesn't allow you one, allow you time for just you, right? As your own human, right? Because you're exerting all of your energy, I'm sure, for these children now, like under 10, 11, at this point. Yes. Towards that end. And then also now you have to like watch them so you can't really get...

24:29
that full-time job. How did you, I mean, I know you said you were depressed, but like, how did you get through that time? It was not pretty, I'm not gonna lie. It was ugly. I mean, there were days when it was all I could do to get out of bed.

24:48
it just function. And was it driven by your kids? It was. I mean, if it weren't for them, I'm honestly a little afraid of what would happen, because they were my everything, everything I did for them. I mean, it was hard. I mean, there was my oldest son, one of his birthdays, where I literally had to choose between putting a tank of gas in my car or buying him a birthday present. And.

25:17
having to have that conversation with him that this is where we're at, it was difficult. And I know that every parent, how they handle situations like that is a little differently, you know, but for me, one of the things that our counselors told us was I was the constant in their life and there had to be someone that they could trust no matter what. And so I always have given my boys a version of the truth.

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that I thought that they could handle. I provided them with what I thought they could handle and was age appropriate. And so having to share that with him was heartbreaking. And then, you know, my mom at that time, I think she had been gone for about 10, 12 years, which sounds like a long time, but when you're going through another major trauma, it's almost impossible for it.

26:15
the biggest trauma of your life not to ruin its ugly head. So I constantly was battling being depressed and just broken because of the loss of my marriage and the loss of, you know, the father-child relationship with my, you know, for my boys, but also just mourning the loss that I was going through this time and I did not have my mom there to help me. That was just, it was almost like

26:43
ripping off the band-aid of her loss and completely exposing that wound again and feeling all of those emotions all over again, but then also compounding that with the fact that she never met her grandchildren and she wasn't there to experience any of this. And so it was hard and there were days when, like I said, it was all I could do to get out of bed.

27:11
Yeah, and I would imagine that being in a tumultuous relationship right after your mom died, you probably did not have the opportunity to fully grieve the way that maybe you needed to. And so 10, 12 years later, it doesn't matter the time period, you just hadn't gone through that process yet. So it's natural to kind of everything to kind of fall on at once. Was there a moment in which it was like

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All right, this is enough. I can't, it can't be any worse. So we're going to like move into a new direction. Was there something that, like, how did you get, how did you get to where you are now with that such a dark, dark part of your life? It was, I think the universe kind of interceded, I guess, on my behalf. And when my boys were old enough

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where they were all in school, I knew that it was time to reenter the traditional workforce. And so I made my rounds to the recruiters and, you know, as a single mom, I didn't really have anything to wear to interviews, didn't have anything to wear to these meetings with recruiters. I was super self-conscious about what I was wearing and, you know, just overwhelmed at what's next. Like I have to.

28:37
to I have to do this, but I don't even know the first place to start. And again, almost no resources to help with this. And trust me, because I tried, I looked, I made calls, I did everything that I could to find these resources and they just didn't exist. And so I went to a recruiter and basically explained my situation, showed her my resume and

29:05
When she asked how much I needed to make per hour, I said $15 an hour, which was just going to get us off of food stamps and barely making it. Barely making it. And she looked at me and said that I was quote an unmarketable candidate. And I would be lucky if I could get a job as a receptionist at $12 an hour. I went to my car and I cried for an hour. And.

29:36
After I cried and cleaned up my face and got ready to drive home to the kids, I got really pissed off. Yeah. And I was just mad. And it's like this fire just ignited. And I was mad. Who does she think she is to tell me that I'm not worthy and that I'm not capable? She doesn't know the first thing about me.

30:06
the impossible of keeping shelter over your head and feeding your kids and having them have probably a semi-normal existence as children. So I can imagine that fire was just like... Yeah. Yeah. It absolutely like incendiary. I was so frustrated, mad, hurt.

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angry. I mean, all of these emotions that I had been feeling for four years just boiled up, you know, having a father who told me, you know, that I wasn't worthy and an ex husband tell me that I wasn't worthy and that I was never going to be anything or do anything and that I was a failure at everything that I did, just all these negative things that I had been told by people who claimed to love me. And it's like, I just snapped. And that...

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was it. And I didn't know what I was going, how I was going to do it. But I was going to show that recruiter, even though I've never seen her from her ever again to this day, but I was going to show her that she was wrong, which I laugh about now. Well, I mean, it's kind of funny to think about, but had she been nice and got you that $15 an hour job, who knows? You know, like that might have been.

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that one thing that like that final straw, that final flick you over the edge that you needed at that moment in time to be like, you know what, my turn. Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right. And so I went home and this was a weekend that my boys were with their dad, or at least the younger ones were, and I sat on my couch and I was like, all right.

31:58
What next? I know I'm going to prove her wrong, but how am I going to do this? And so a friend of mine had given me a book called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. If anyone who's listening, if you have never heard of the book, I highly recommend that you read it. She is phenomenal. And my friend had told me just read it, it'll change your life, I promise. And it set on my nightstand for probably about

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eight months because I was like, yeah, right, this book is not going to be able to help me because my situation is the worst. And so I got about three fourths of the way and read a paragraph that just like really made it click. And the quote that just did it for me and I'm

32:44
probably going to butcher it now when it counts, but if you're serious about changing your life, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. And to that point, I had played the victim. I had made all of the excuses. Like, I can't, it's too hard and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to get started and it's just too much. And I don't have support and I just, I don't know. And I don't know what it was about reading that, but I got out a yellow legal pad.

33:14
And I made a five page list, four or five page list, of every single thing that I needed to do in my life that either scared me or I had been putting off or just anything. And some of them were very lofty high goals, like go back to college. And at the time I was like, you're right, I'm never gonna do that. Cause I had my associate's degree at that time. And then the other, all the way down to clean.

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the boys toilet. I mean, like the just easy stuff like, all right, I don't want to do the dishes. I mean, just little, little things all the way from the hardest to the easiest. And so I took that list. And I made myself a goal that I was going to complete one thing on the list a week. I started with the very, very easy things on the list, you know, the toilet.

34:08
the toilets, which actually that was probably one of the harder things, but you know, so I started with the easy ones and then, you know, after the first week I was like, well, that was easy. What was I scared of? And I'm not going to wait a week. I'm going to do something else. And so I started checking the things off the list and had an acquaintance that had been wanting me to come to work in their

34:34
their doctor's office as an office manager for years. And so somehow that popped into my head, gave them a call. Hey, are you still interested? Yes. When can you start? Well, I can start next week. But how much will you pay me? I have to make at least $15 an hour. Done. $15 an hour. Come on in. I think it's interesting to think about that book and the book sitting on your nightstand for eight months and what it makes me think of.

35:03
is kind of the idea that therapy is only good until you're ready for it. And so like that book sitting there, had you read it six months prior, when you were in that deep dark spot before that woman pissed you off, maybe it wouldn't that paragraph wouldn't have stood out to you in the same way. Now, you know, it's so interesting to me how little things like that, like something as innocuous as a book, right? You need it at the right time.

35:31
you need to read it at the right time in your life. That triggered you to make that list. And it's always, the hardest part is getting started, right? And so doing that first thing was probably a lot harder than doing that 15th thing on that list. You're absolutely right. And it's all about the timing of the message, because I had a best friend that, she was my rock through the entire thing. I mean, there were a few times when our electricity was shut off, without question, she paid the bill.

36:01
to get our power back on and expected nothing in return. And I mean, she was a savior. We would go stay at her house for the weekend and my kids would hang out with her kids and I could be in a home and feel a sense of normalcy again. But she, there was one day when I was, it was one of those days where I just couldn't get out of bed and I had just been crying. I mean, just, I was inconsolable. And

36:30
She said something to me that, again, it's all about timing, but she said to me, you know, you need to thank God for the hard times. You need to thank God during the hard times because it means that He is preparing you for something great. And I'm sure I said some very unkind things to her and hung up the phone and didn't talk to her for a couple of months because I was so angry.

36:58
And I look back now and think she was right. Her messaging, the time of her messaging really sucked, but her message was spot on. And I can see that today that all of these things that I've gone through have prepared me for much, much greater things and also prepared me to have a platform where I can help others who went through similar things to what I went through.

37:24
I think that a lot of the conversations, actually, the end of season one, there's a bonus episode where I take kind of the last questions of what would people say or what would they say to themselves and a lot of them are like, I would let them go through the process because all the things that, you know, all those crappy parts, sure they suck in the moment, but look how awesome life is now.

37:48
going through all that. So I'd love to hear more about what life is like now. Like how did you go? You started that job as an office manager. You did that piece and now you're just like rocking it. So like what was the in-between and how'd you get here? How long ago was that by the way? That was, I believe in 2015. So not that long ago. If you look at my career history on LinkedIn, you will look like I've had a very winding career history, which is true.

38:18
But every career change or every job change that I made was very intentional. I knew early on that $15 an hour was not going to cut it for me and for my family because I wanted better things for them. And, you know, we, I wanted to be able to do family vacations again and, you know, be able to buy a home and a reliable car and, you know, be able to pay for gas, all those good things, you know, birthday parties, all the things that, that make.

38:47
a child's life so special. More than just surviving. We were absolutely just surviving up to that point and I wanted us to thrive. And I moved from there to another job and I wasn't so super crazy about that job. But just by a fluke, someone asked me if I had any management experience. Yeah, sure. I have management experience. I have my own business for 10 years.

39:15
ended up getting myself into a program manager role, like, that I had to sell myself to get into. I mean, I went through five hardcore interviews to really sell myself that I could do this. And on paper, I had absolutely none of the skills to be able to do this job. Let's be real. But I knew that if I just had the chance, I could literally do anything. And so I fought hard to get into that job.

39:42
That role was in the recruiting space. I, that's when I first started having, you know, some, some real experience with the recruiting world and I managed a team of up to 125 people. And most of the people on my team were in very similar economic situations as myself. You know, a lot of them were struggling, single moms, you know, single dads, or, you know, people that were just, you know, coming to this job, making 12, $13 an hour.

40:12
trying to survive. And so here I was among all these people that the roles were very black and white in terms of when I had to terminate employees and it just absolutely broke my heart. And I couldn't do it anymore. And so another opportunity presented myself in a more traditional recruiting role. And I loved the role. I loved my co-workers. It was a wonderful opportunity. And then again,

40:41
people sitting across from me sharing their stories. And I would get very emotionally invested into hearing about their why, but I couldn't do anything to help them because when you're a recruiter, you're bound to being able to fill the roles that are on your desk and that's it. And so I just couldn't handle not being able to help everyone. And so that's when I made the decision to get out of the recruiting space. But I always joke that

41:09
You can leave recruiting, but recruiting is never going to leave you because once people know that you know how to do a resume or help them interview prep or whatever, you know, people, a friend of a friend of a friend is always knocking on your door, which I was more than happy to help. And I wasn't charging anything for it. I was just, you know, doing this because I love helping people and watching them to succeed. And so.

41:33
I didn't really know where I was going or what I was doing. I just knew that every time I made a change, I wanted to make more money. I wanted to have the opportunity to upskill, to learn new skills that I didn't have. Then I made the decision at the urging of just a very, very dear friend who was another single mom that had a wonderful story of her own. She basically...

41:57
I'm not going to say she forced me to go back to college because I don't think really she could do that, but she definitely encouraged me to go back to school. I graduated, you know, graduated as an honor student. And I'm not saying that to brag. I'm saying that because I barely graduated high school because school just was not for me. And so as an adult learner, this whole new world opened up to me that, wow.

42:22
I love to learn and I'm actually really good at learning, you know, when I want to learn. And so I just fell in love with the learning process and had a wonderful professor who mentored me and took me under her wing and saw the potential in me and really encouraged me to start my own business and to create a platform for myself so that I could help other people to do what I had done.

42:50
So on the side, I kind of started helping others in similar situations, whether it was coach other moms on how to handle their finances because they had become a single mom and they had no idea how they were going to survive, you know, help them to create a budget and a savings plan. I'm very passionate about finances now. I mean, Dave Ramsey, you know, Susie Ormond, I mean, all the greats, I followed them religiously and dug myself out.

43:19
of absolute rock bottom financial situation after my divorce and you know made it my mission to make as much money as possible so that we would never ever have to go through anything like what we did again and so about four years ago we built our dream house and

43:39
you know, myself and my boys, and I made them the promise, like, this is our house, we're never moving again, no one can ever take this house away from us. And that was one of the most incredible accomplishments of my life. And, you know, to be able to give that to them. And so moving forward, January of this year, I had a...

44:01
a friend who basically again challenged me. I love a good challenge. I'm sure maybe this is a theme through here. I love a good, you know, the shirt says it all, right? I like a good challenge. I like people telling me I can't do something. So she challenged me to start my own business and to actually start charging people for my coaching services, which took months of self-reflection because I want to help the entire world for free.

44:30
but you know, that doesn't pay the bills. And so I got my first paid client in March and she was phenomenal. And it was exactly what I needed to confirm that I was on the right path and that the things that I have to teach others are valuable. And that I do have the voice that a lot of people need to be able to...

45:00
learn the tools to help themselves, especially people who are in a difficult situation, you know, to be able to offer them the support that they need and the encouragement because that's honestly what I needed. I needed someone to just say, it's going to be okay. Here is the toolbox. You just go use the tools and rock it. Like I didn't even know what tools I needed.

45:24
And so to be able to show others, here are the tools, here's the toolbox to put it in, and here's your first job, now go do it. Like, I love that. And so for me, the best feeling in the world today is helping someone establish what their goals should be, especially in their career, and then helping them to develop a strategic plan on how they're going to get there. And

45:54
creating a true financial legacy through having a career that is empowering, that is enjoyable, and that is going to provide them and their children with the life that they deserve to have because there's so many people every day that are told they're not worthy, they're not good enough for this. And so I want to be the voice that tells them they are good enough to have this and they do deserve it. And so...

46:23
That's where I'm at right now. And my goal for the coming year is to be able to provide coaching services to the underserved community that cannot afford traditional career coaching packages. I do offer one-on-one packages that are typically for high performers that are wanting to take things to the next level. But at the end of the day, my heart is with individuals who are like I was, being able to help them. And so...

46:53
I'm working towards developing some scholarship programs to do some free coaching and provide the tools and resources to the people that truly need it most. And so that is my goal. That's what gets me out of bed every single day. That is my why. And I just have this relentless voice in my head that says that I need to run my mouth to anybody that'll listen because the more people I talk to, ultimately the more people I come in contact with that.

47:23
are on board with my mission and want to help others just like I do. And so it's it's pretty awesome. You're doing the thing and you're taking all of those really tough moments in your life. And they're and and they've informed what you offer. Right. They're they're helping your why and they're helping your what? Because you you had to do it for yourself first and make sure that it makes.

47:51
everything work. It's interesting to me hearing this full story. And I'll tell you what still sticks out for me is really the moment. So you have this external kind of force of your life changing and putting you into poverty, right from your divorce and moving into that spot. But what sticks out to me is that fire that was lit when that final person told you you are not

48:21
$15 an hour. It sounds like everything was like, things were slowly going along, you were going down the same road and then all of a sudden you got on the highway as soon as she told you no. Is that kind of what it felt like, like this much faster trajectory where you can go off the country road onto the highway? I would say that that conversation with the recruiter kind of merged me onto the highway.

48:51
And then when driving down the highway started was when I made that list. When I became, when I read the book and I made the list and became accountable because for so long in that journey, I blamed everyone else under the sun for my situation. And after a really, you know, lots of great sessions with a wonderful counselor, you know,

49:17
there was a point when I had to say, okay, but what about me? What am I accountable for? What part did I play in this? And what part do I play in my future? How can I take responsibility for my actions and stop blaming everyone else for this awful situation? Did I choose to be divorced? No. Did I choose to go through that? No. But it was up to me.

49:44
with what I was going to do after that. So I think it was the combination of the book and the recruiter. And now to this day, I mean. I could tell you got fired up by her. I did, I did. And you know, the fire today, I struggle with keeping a healthy balance of that fire to be completely transparent because I read something a couple of months ago that just resonated with me so much that, that

50:14
Fierce independence is often a result of trauma. You know, trauma from loved ones who didn't care for you in the way that you should have been cared for. And it was like I hit a brick wall and had a really rough time there for a little while. Like, okay, I've been wearing my independence and this fire as a badge of honor, but what parts of it are not necessarily healthy?

50:42
for where I want to be moving forward. It served me really well to get here, but how do I kind of maybe dampen that fire a little bit and allow other people in to help me? I've since remarried, I got married this summer and my husband, I mean, I've struggled with allowing someone else in to help me. It has been one of the,

51:12
hardest things I've ever done, which kind of sounds ridiculous. You know, I mean, it's that's what your partner is supposed to do. But on many, many levels, the trauma that I carry with me from that divorce and from having someone in my life that was supposed to care for me, it was supposed to do all of these things, but that it turned into something so ugly. It's just difficult.

51:41
for me to be okay with that, to be okay with being vulnerable. And I know that I struggle with that. I think it's important to realize, I think these moments happen to us when we are self-aware, or we are more so accepting of who we are at this moment in time, the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent, the shedding of the victim mentality.

52:10
and owning things. I think you're on this path and I think what's helpful to that is that you're aware of it. You know, you know that you're struggling in certain areas. That's good to know, right? And that's good to be aware of because then you as this new version of you can deal with it, can work on it, can address it. So I think that is admirable. I don't think you're alone in that sense. What I'd love to do is ask you that question. I'd love to.

52:40
to know what you would say to the Sarah that just found out she's getting divorced or just moved into that apartment with her boys with what you know now. Yeah, I would tell her not to look at the big picture. It's just too overwhelming. You can't look at the big picture. Focus on today, focus on what you are responsible for and in control of, what you can change. Can't worry about everyone else and you can't worry about...

53:09
Who was right, who was wrong? I think a lot of people going through divorce get trapped in that cycle of who's right, who's wrong. Nobody's right or wrong, it's divorce. It's awful, it's terrible. And if you try to win or think that you're the better person, that's just only gonna hold you back from healing. And learning to just accept that, I wish I could have accepted that much earlier on because it would have made my life so much easier.

53:38
but I'm glad that I finally learned it. But do you think you would be where you are had you not gone through so many of those dark pieces or would you appreciate it as much? No, absolutely not. I would not be here. I don't know where I would be. I don't know exactly what I would be doing, but the one thing that did come from it is I have a sense of fearlessness because when you've been through the worst, I mean...

54:08
What's the worst that could happen? The thing that I would tell her is just like the book said, you are a badass. Like you've got this. You just have to realize that you are a badass. Like you can do this and you have to do this because you have no other choice. So you better do it right. You better do it well, because you know, there are a lot of people that are counting on you other than yourself, you just don't know it yet. And I wish honestly, I just.

54:38
If I could go back, the one thing I would do is just give her a hug and just say, it's okay, and your mom would be super proud of you. That's the one thing. I think that's a perfect way to end this. I appreciate you coming on and being so vulnerable. I think you're not the only one that's gone through moments like this, but you might be the inspiration for others to get out of it, right? And to find that.

55:08
confidence in themselves that they are a badass and they can do exactly what they want to do whatever's on that list that five-page list of Besides cleaning the toilet But you know like there's a lot of people that listening to this that have gone through similar Situations or are going through it now. So I think you're helping people just by sharing your story So thank you for being a part of this. Well, thank you for having me. I I love your mission I love what you're doing and

55:38
I just, I hope that the right person hears this today and that it can help them because that's truly my goal in, in, you know, being a part of this amazing show that you've put together. Well, thank you so much. If you are listening to the LifeShift podcast right now and you are enjoying what you're listening to, I would love a rating and review five stars, please. But the reviews, if they do nothing else, they help me out. They boost my

56:07
feelings of that day and help me keep moving forward. So thank you for listening and we will be back next week with a brand new episode. Thanks a lot, Sarah. Thank you, Matt.

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For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com