From Public Persona to Personal Growth: Unmasking Success | Lauren Cobello

00:00
Yeah, so I'm gonna throw an audible here and completely change even what we were gonna talk about. Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. You're gonna be completely shocked, surprised, right? So a lot of times in my life, and as I'm kind of sitting here listening to your intro, I'm thinking to myself, this is where a lot of times my life I've gotten trapped and tripped up, right? Is a lot of times I've put my worth and my identity in my work, right? Prior to starting my PR agency,

00:30
I'm a three-time author and I've actually been on a national TV personality. So I've been a regular on like the Rachael Ray show, the Today Show, Good Morning America, all the national shows for over a decade. And I put so much worth in that, right? So that was actually what I was gonna be talking, that was what I talked to you about was initially the life shift of like, oh my gosh, my book came out and like my career change and all of that. But.

00:56
As I'm sitting here thinking about it, there's something actually much deeper that actually happened that is a major life shift that is deeper that I think a lot of people can relate to. Today's guest is Lauren Cobello. She's a mother of four, she's an entrepreneur that's running her own PR agency, and she's a three-time author. You might have seen Lauren on television shows like the Today Show and the Rachael Ray Show.

01:23
But while her life might seem like a highlight reel of success, beneath the surface, she's been on a journey of self-discovery and transformation. In today's episode, Lauren switched up our conversation right at the beginning to talk about something a bit more personal than we originally agreed to. Instead, we peel back the layers of Lauren's public persona, revealing a really good example of courage and resilience and that word authenticity that will likely resonate with many listeners.

01:53
Lauren candidly shares her experiences from feeling like a fraud while living in the limelight, to the liberating journey of stepping back and focusing on her own healing. During our conversation, we spend some time discussing the difficulties of maintaining that public image, while also going through personal struggles of her own. Lauren felt like she built a prison around herself that she really couldn't escape from. This isn't a story of despair, it's really a story of transforming oneself.

02:21
She talks about her complete lifestyle change, her choice to step back from the public eye to focus on her healing, and her journey of learning to be comfortable in those gray areas of life. She shares how she rediscovered herself and how her transformation saw her establishing her PR agency that helps others grow their brands. Before we get into today's episode, I'd like to thank Traci, Miki, and Emily for all supporting two episodes a month through the Patreon. If you'd like to directly support the LifeShift,

02:50
please head to patreon.com forward slash the life shift podcast to check out the different tiers and I especially like the t-shirt giveaway. Without further ado, here's my episode with Lauren Cobello. I'm Matt Gilhooly and this is the life shift candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

03:24
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the LifeShift Podcast. I am here with Lauren. Hello, Lauren. Hi. How are you, Matt? Glad to be here. I'm good. Well, thank you for that excitement. I think you're helping me wake up. I was just telling you a story and I'm going to share this with the world of what I did today. I woke up really tired today. I was getting ready because we do have the video component of this podcast. And so I want to look at least presentable and we're connected on Twitter. So you've seen a lot of my pre-recording selfies that I take.

03:53
So I was getting stuff, product to put in my hair and I had it all over my hands, ready to put it in my hair and then I wiped it all over my face. And then. I just love that. Real life. Real life and you know what was the best part about it is it woke me up because I laughed and it was like, you know, like you got that burst of energy when something's funny and you're just like, I can't believe I just did that. So it was kind of like a blessing in disguise. Maybe that was my subconscious being like, wake up, Matt.

04:19
Let's wake up. Come on. Let's go. Oh my gosh. I love it. I love it. Exactly. So I appreciate you wanting to come onto the podcast and share your story. We've been connected on Twitter. I've told you, I'm not going to call it X and. Yeah, me neither. And so I know, I know a little bit about, you know, your journey and what you do professionally. And then you've shared a little bit of your personal journey. And when you came on today, you were like, Hmm, what was the story I was going to tell you? And that's what I love about this show is like,

04:48
we can get together as two humans that really don't know each other very well outside of social media and have an honest conversation. And so wherever this conversation goes around whatever pivotal moment you choose, I'm excited for it because I know that there's a piece of anyone's story out there that's going to resonate with someone else. And so I'm looking forward to this. So thank you for that. Yeah, no problem. Anytime I can come on and

05:12
You know, I think we all have pivotal moments in our life. I hope. Many different times, if we can recognize them and grow from them, I think it's always a good thing. Yeah, for sure. And that is very true. Most people don't have one pivotal moment. But I do like to center it around one that we feel has changed us the most or something that we can reflect on. Like you said, some people haven't realized or haven't taken the time to take those little steps back to see what...

05:40
you know, was it an email? Was it something someone said? Was it something so small or seemingly small that changed our lives? And, you know, I think there's such value in it. And I love that we have these two tracks. For me, personally, most of my life shift moments or pivotal moments have been this external force that kind of happened to me and not something that I've created on my own.

06:07
And then there, I believe your story is more this like internal shift piece that comes along with it that I also find super inspiring. So I love that there's these multiple tracks that we can go down and connect with. Yeah, for sure. For sure. So before we have you kind of paint the picture of what your life was like before this moment that we're going to kind of center this conversation around, maybe you can just like briefly tell us who you are right now and what you do without giving away too much. Yeah.

06:35
Yeah, it is going to be hard. My name is Lauren Cabello. I'm a single mom of four. My oldest just graduated high school this year, so he just started college. And then I have three daughters who are 10, 12, and 14. Oh, so a handful. Yeah, just, you know, just nothing. It's just fine. You know, I've been up since 5.45, like running kids around to three different schools because they all don't want to take the bus, which I'm like, okay, that's fine. Like, I don't care. I'll drive you, but you know.

07:02
And then I run a PR agency called Leverage with Media PR, where we help entrepreneurial nonfiction authors get on television to help grow their brands. So that's what I do right now. I live in upstate New York. Awesome. And I believe that one of your clients or former clients or current clients was on the show.

07:26
a few months ago or I don't know at this point, I don't know when it was, but in 2023, Larry was on the show. Yep. He's still a client. Yep. He's still a client. His book is right there. Yep. Yeah. He's still a client. I love him and Denise. They're dear friends now. And yeah, I just adore them. Yeah. He was a fantastic conversation because, you know, I think that the

07:51
the conversation centered around mental health and loss and grief and suicide prevention and dealing with someone else's suicide. And it came from the male perspective. And I think that that's important as well. I think that, I mean, it's important from anyone. But for some reason, society has assigned men to be like non vulnerable or non, you know, like not share their feelings. And I'm glad we're getting into a space where we can all just be humans together.

08:21
It's a lot more refreshing and it feels a lot better. So that was a wonderful conversation that we had with Larry or I had with Larry. Yeah, and me and him have bonded over that as well. And this isn't about my story, the story I'm gonna share today, but my brother actually committed suicide as well. And so me and him, when he first came on as a client, really bonded over that common story and we're able to talk about it. So, I mean, him and Denise, his wife are.

08:49
are just amazing people. And I think we always talk back and forth with each other, like good people should know good people. And then when I saw that he was on your show and I saw the great work you were doing, I was like, I wanna go on Matt's show too. So I'm glad to be on here. Well, thank you. So I think let's not take any more time. Let's get to you painting the picture of what life was like leading up to that moment or that event that changed your life forever.

09:20
Yeah, so I'm gonna throw an audible here and completely change even what we were gonna talk about. Let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. You're gonna be completely shocked, surprised, right? So, you know, a lot of times in my life, and as I'm kind of sitting here listening to your intro, I'm thinking to myself, this is where a lot of times my life I've gotten trapped and tripped up, right? Is a lot of times I've put my worth and my identity in my work, right? Prior to...

09:47
starting my PR agency, I actually, I'm a three-time author and I've actually been on a national TV personality. So I've been a regular on like the Rachel Ray show, the Today Show, Good Morning America, all the national shows for over a decade. And I put so much worth in that, right? So that was actually what I was going to be talking, what that was what I talked to you about was initially, you know, the life shift of like,

10:14
Oh my gosh, my book came out and like my career change and all of that. But as I'm sitting here thinking about it, there's something actually much deeper that actually happened that is a major life shift that is deeper that I think a lot of people can relate to. And this is the divorce from my kid's father. We have four kids together, we still are great co-parents and all of that. But when I went through that divorce,

10:44
I put so much of my identity in my work and what I was doing with work and my career that I really do believe that a part of, I mean, a divorce takes two to tango, right? But I put a lot of my attention into more of my career than I did the relationship, right? And then the relationship falls apart.

11:14
work with me and work for me in my company. This was before I started my PR agency. He came home and worked with me and we worked together for many years. I do believe that killed the marriage. There were many really difficult, hard things about running a business and a family together and having four kids and having not great communication skills. I mean, it was a very deep kind of moment.

11:42
When I went through that divorce, I had thought my whole life, and there were many situations in that relationship that caused me to really doubt my capabilities and my abilities as a mom, as a friend, as a worker, even though I had all these great accolades. I still didn't think I was smart enough.

12:12
being told, like, oh, you're just like the social butterfly and like the popular one, you're not really that smart. So I go through the divorce and I really, that was a pivotal moment for me because that's when I started changing my life. Yeah, did you feel, you know, there's a lot to unpack there and or a lot of questions to think about. You know, growing up, I talked to a lot of people about this and I'm curious if this was something that you might.

12:38
relate to is I felt growing up, you know, I had an early tragedy at eight. And so at that point, I leaned a lot more into this perfectionist kind of attitude, this feeling that external validation was the only important thing I had to do well. And part of that was I didn't want my dad to abandon me because in my mind, my mom abandoned me by dying. And so it was a lot of this stuff that I put on myself.

13:08
I got to this point where the only thing that mattered was these checklist items. I was going to do well in school, I was going to get this job, I was going to get the next thing. Part of me wonders if those check marks were the things you were always chasing because they were somewhat validating or somewhat like approval of some sort because of earlier things like someone said you were the social butterfly but not the smart one. That's terrible.

13:35
totally, you know, and through many years of therapy, which I'm still in therapy because I absolutely love therapy. I feel like I need it to center myself because, you know, I think I have always been kind of like an all or nothing person and I've had to learn through therapy and through the work of myself of how to be comfortable in like the gray area of life instead of the black and white, right? Of how do I sit comfortably in this like...

14:00
gray space of I don't know what's going on or I can't be obsessive over this or like all or nothing. I just need to be okay with being okay. Right. That you can't plan your entire life because things will happen in the ways that you don't expect and that could be okay or that could be good. It could be very good. Was your upbringing, I know you mentioned your brother, was that when you were younger? Was that something that kind of brought you to this space do you think?

14:31
I grew up in a great, I mean, I had a great childhood. You know, my parents were very loving and I had a, you know, I have two younger sisters and my brother just got into drugs at a really early age and he committed suicide when he was 26. Oh wow. And he was two years older than me. So, you know, that definitely affected us growing up. There was instability because he was in and out of jail. There was instability because he was getting high all the time. There was fighting. So like, you know, even though my parents gave me

15:00
a lot of love and compassion, there was still like an instability there with that growing up in the home. Do you think that you felt a need to like fill in that gap that your brother was missing for your parents in a way that like, I need to perform a little bit better so that they feel better? Like you felt, did you take on any of that? I was definitely, so actually after college, I went into drug and alcohol counseling. So I was a drug and alcohol counselor for a couple of years.

15:30
I was definitely like the hero child, right? The one that goes in and saves the day and like everybody's proud of definitely and can still play that role, right? I can still play that role of like, oh, look at Lauren, like she's running this great agency and like- It's a lot of responsibility. Yeah, single mom, like killing it, all this stuff. And it is, it's a lot of responsibility to uphold- Almost unnecessary to take it on. Yes, to uphold this image. And that was-

15:58
That was one of the things that was really, really hard for me after the divorces. I had this company, which was like a personal finance, so I was a personal finance influencer. And I'm on TV, national television all the time. I've got a quarter of a million social media followers or more. I'm a public persona. And yet my book comes out and I'm going through a divorce and I can't talk about it. In your mind, you probably failed.

16:28
in some way and nobody can find out. You know what I felt like? I felt like I had built a prison around myself and I couldn't get out. And that was my income too. And so that was the way I supported my family. And it was very, very difficult. And because that business was built around when I got, you know, when I was married, you know, my ex-husband got a lot of the business.

16:56
and got all of my retirement because I made more money. And so I was left in a very bad financial situation. Even though I was a financial educator, I was all of a sudden feeling like a fraud because I was a financial educator. I had just gone through a divorce. He got a lot of my money, all of my retirement. I'm in a bad financial situation and I'm in this like prison that I had built around myself. And now I'm having to go on national television to like talk about.

17:26
these financial strategies and this financial education feeling like a fraud because I had just lost so much money and I had just made really bad financial decisions. And it just got to be very lonely and isolating and feeling like I didn't want that life anymore. I didn't want to live in the limelight anymore. I didn't want to...

17:56
to be under that pressure anymore. And so I made like a complete life change, like complete lifestyle change. You know, I can see like there's this draw because you're in this space in which you've lost financially, right? You said you feel like a fraud, but you still need to make that money because you have four kids, you probably have other responsibilities and other bills that you need to pay. At what point did, like, was there something that...

18:23
that made you want to turn the switch and be like, okay, I'm done with this prison, bust me out of here. Was there like a last straw kind of moment for you? I think for me, I just really wanted privacy, right? And I remember I actually, I still do some television here and there if I get asked for like other topics. And there's like this...

18:50
popular mommy blogger that was arrested in Utah. I did a segment on Court TV with them last month, and they were talking about the harm of mommy influencers. I was a mommy influencer back in 2008, one of the OG coupon blogger mommy influencers, and I said to myself, my son, at that time during the divorce, I felt like I had to protect them.

19:20
Like if you had Googled my name, which it was Lauren Grutman back then, if you Googled Lauren Grutman, it was like Lauren Grutman and Lauren Grutman divorced. So you can like know that everybody's Googling this. They wanted to know information. And my son was 11 at the time and he just didn't want any part of being on camera anymore. He didn't want any part of any of that. And I just, you know, that's actually what I talked about on court TV last month was like.

19:48
They need to have a choice and I have not given them this choice. They've been on YouTube, they've been on social media, they've been on national television with me. I haven't given them a choice and to me, I also just felt like I needed so much healing. I got into another relationship right after my divorce which was very toxic and bad so I got out of that. And then I started, I just disappeared for a couple years and healed.

20:18
had to learn how to be Lauren, not Lauren on TV. Not the performative version. And it's funny, like when I was sitting here listening to you, and it's so funny how I can revert back to like, oh, like, I'm gonna talk about like Lauren and when my book came out, like how quickly I can go to like what I do instead of like who I am. It's hard. Yeah, and I've been

20:48
an online entrepreneur for 18 years. You were conditioned. I'm conditioned. So it's like, I have to pause and stop and think in order to be like, no, like I'm a person.

21:01
And even though people are like, oh my gosh, you've done all this cool stuff. It's like, yeah, that's stuff that I've done. I wanna be who I am as a person, and I've worked really hard to be who I am. Yeah, and it's so easy to lose it. I think people, I'm 42, I think, right now, and- Me too, we're the same age. Awesome. So our generation, we were really conditioned that-

21:29
success equaled happiness and that, you know, and I can imagine that if you find this limelight that you had and all these people are like listening to you, there's this validation that I got to keep doing this. But the more you do it, I would imagine you also lose who you are, or you never even had the opportunity to learn who you are. Because let's face it, we don't really learn that until what, 30?

21:56
Like last week? Exactly. Yeah, if we're even there. But from your story, I wonder if your son was kind of that last thing of that permission in a way, not permission, but by him saying, look, I'm a person too. I exist as this person with feelings and I do these things. Even though I'm a kid, I still exist. I wonder if that was that permission to be like...

22:23
all the things you were thinking of doing and leaving and escaping that it was just like, oh, this is good. You know, like this makes sense right here. And it's so interesting to think about, maybe a conversation could be that last, okay, let's go. You know, I've been thinking about it for two years, but here it is, here's that last moment. Do you think around that moment is when things started to change or was it a little after? I think it was, I think that that moment was a little bit before I made the change. I think that

22:53
You know, when you go through something as big as a divorce and there's children involved, you have a choice to either be a victim or somebody who's gonna come out of it a better person, right? And I always thought that, I'm like, I am going to be happy. Like, I'll be darned if I go the rest of my life miserable. I need to, you know, be better. And I don't know if I had ever really,

23:23
gone to therapy. I was raised in a very strict Christian home and therapy wasn't really something you did. If you needed help, you pray. You don't go and ask for help. So actually going into deep therapy and learning trauma and EMDR and going through some really good trauma therapy that I needed was stuff that I had never experienced before. And

23:52
I had to work really, really hard on clearing a lot of the wreckage, but then also taking personal responsibility for, you know what, it's not just his fault. I had a big part in it and I can only speak on my part. I will not sit and bad mouth him because he's my kid's father and I have a lot of respect for him and he's a great dad. But that was a very traumatic time in my life going through that.

24:21
how do I make my way out of it? And I'll tell you some things that I did to help me change. There are many things in my life that I always wanted to do, but I never did, because I didn't think I was capable. Some of those things were... Before you say that, did you not think that you were, did you think you were not capable, or did you think, and this is me probably projecting, that you wouldn't be perfect at it, and therefore you wouldn't do it?

24:50
Not capable. Okay. Fair. Just not capable. Okay. I didn't think I could do it. I thought, yeah. With all the other successes that you had, there were still things that you didn't think you could do. Okay. Yeah. Just not capable. One of those things, owning a boat. Okay. I live right on Lake Ontario in upstate New York. Owning a boat is something I always wanted to do. And so I went out and I bought a boat. And I took lessons on how to drive a boat.

25:19
and I learned how to fix a boat and I learned how to tie knots and I learned everything you could possibly think about boating. And I had a boat. I just sold it last year and I'm looking for a new one, but I have never been more empowered in my life than learning something like that. As a female, there are certain things that as a female, we just don't think we're capable of. Society. And it's like owning a boat. And still, like to this day, I would be...

25:47
sitting on my boat fixing it and I'd have guys come over and be like, oh, let me retire this knot for you and retie it the same exact way it was just because I was a female. And I'd be like, no, I'm fine. And I see that in the business world too. Being a female CEO, just the difference of how I'm treated. Another thing that I have always wanted to do is own a camper. Did I know how to do anything with a camper? No. Did I know how to back up a camper? No.

26:18
I bought a camper and I figured out, I watched YouTube videos, after YouTube videos of everything that I needed. I always thought like taking my four kids camping by myself was like going to be completely overwhelming. I bought myself a Blackstone grill and for years I traveled in the summer. I took summers off and I went camping with my kids in a camper, towed it myself, backed it up.

26:46
It was a full camper and the empowerment of that, those two things changed my life of giving me this inner strength of I can do anything. So for everybody that's listening, those are things that could bring me to tears, not the national television shows. Yeah, it's so interesting to hear that these things

27:17
you know, in my mind are things that you could do. One, because you could afford it because you knew how to invest properly or do whatever you needed to do. But also, if you could do all these other things, why can't you learn to do that? But it seems like it was more of a societal thing that was like, you can't do that. You're not allowed to do that. Yeah. You're a woman. You're a girl. Yeah, you need to go cook, you know? Like, it's so silly, the things that we...

27:46
just naturally absorb and then realize that we can't do it. I mean, we were kind of mentioning this before. I didn't really start being publicly vulnerable with people until I was like 30-something, because I was always trained or told, you're not supposed to cry. You're not supposed to tell people when you have a bad. I know that sounds a little different, but at the same time, it was like, who told me I could? Who said that, and why?

28:13
Like, who are these people that told you you couldn't, you weren't capable of owning a boat and you weren't capable of having a camper? And I love that these little, seemingly little things are the things that gave you that empowerment. Not the, I was just asked to be on the Rachel Ray Show, but rather a camper, a boat, that's amazing. Exactly, a camper, a boat, getting, I have kayaks. Anything. You know, putting the kayak on top of the car myself and driving it and taking it off.

28:43
those things are the things that healed me, you know? And the looks of the guys when I backed that boat up into the water with my kids. And they're like- Probably better than them. Exactly. Well, you do that better than I do. Yeah, you better believe it, you know? Well, and I think a lot of it too is like, the fear in what you had about these things allowed you to be comfortable enough to take-

29:10
lessons or to take instruction from someone. Whereas you have the other part of it as these men probably were like, I'm too good for that. I'll teach myself. And they backed into every pole going down the boat ramp or whatever it may be. And here you are, that fear instilled the ability to understand that you didn't know how, but you were willing to learn or it was possible that you could learn. And I think that's really valuable component of that as well is that like...

29:40
We're not designed to know everything. Most humans are not fantastic at everything. And then there are other people, like in your therapy example, that are trained that can help you, and in a way that we need to seek out that help from each other so that our life can be more rich. Yep, yep. And I think about my three daughters who have watched this, and my son who have watched the healing journey of a mom who

30:10
you know, at the end of my marriage did not even have the confidence to cook dinner anymore, to now having a boat and a camper and like doing and bringing them on all of these experiences and learning new things and having the confidence and showing them what it looks like to show up for yourself, for not for anybody else, but for you. And that's the difference of like,

30:40
I'm healing and I'm doing this for me, but also for you guys to show you that you can do this. And then even to show them during this time, my website that I had been working on, I had been living off of that for years without having to really work on it. So I didn't have to go get a real job. I was working on it very part-time, being able to be a good...

31:07
you know, great like stay at home mom to the kids and work at night. But that money has dwindled over the years and, and the income started becoming not enough money for me to live off of. And people might disagree with me. A lot of women may not, but I, I have not ever wanted to take child support. Even after my income went down, I have always been in a position where

31:34
I felt like I'm responsible for my own finances. And so I started my PR agency and then in one year built it to a million dollar company. And so I have proven yet again to my children and to myself that I'm a boss bitch and that I can do anything that I put my mind to.

32:05
successes I still struggle with, the internal dialogue that I still struggle with in therapy of like feeling like, can I do this? Doubting myself and I was watching something the other day that said, if you're not a real entrepreneur until you're up at night at 1 a.m. with your head in your laps feeling like you're failing.

32:33
Yes, that's entrepreneurship, but also like, you know, I've struggled with that for years of up and down. So but every time I, I do it. And I proved to myself and to my kids that anything is possible. Well, your kids are also seeing not only the professional successes, but they're seeing the joy that the little things bring you or I don't want to say it.

32:57
camper, those

33:26
As long as you were doing what you wanted to do and were able to provide them the life that brought them joy, it's a win, right? I don't think that, you know, sometimes I think our generation very much attached to this, the money aspect of things because we were trained. It was always, that's all our parents were talking about or my parents, you know, and it was always like, my dad would get a second job at Christmas so that he could buy us presents and.

33:54
You know, it was so important. And really, if I think back, if I didn't get as many presents, I think it still would have been as enjoyable. But he had been conditioned that the more presents you have, the better, happier life you have. And so your kids are now getting to see this. You know, as you tell your story, it's almost like your story, your shift, your pivot, your turning into who you are wasn't really even at the divorce. It was almost like.

34:23
after when you realize, I got some work to do, I have some wreckage, I have some, I like that word, it was very clear, I have something to do that can make this a better life for me and not just take the road that I was already on. How long after you were divorced did that shit, that going to therapy and really like trying the hard things that you weren't capable of, you know, in quotes, to do? How long was that period?

34:51
I mean, I think I was in therapy right away. For trauma or for divorce? I was in therapy before, but for trauma was right after. And then I've been in therapy ever since because to be honest, if I get out of therapy, I forget about myself again and then I'll just, I get too busy and then I'm like, oh wait, I need to take care of myself. You know?

35:20
I'm a very much like a giver and so I'll give all to my kids or to my friends or to my relationships and like forget that I need self-care too, you know? But I've learned a lot about myself like that I require a lot of alone time, you know, I don't have my kids. I need like two to three nights alone to like just sit and do nothing. Traveling is important to me. So like there's, you know, I spent years, years alone traveling by myself, healing.

35:50
therapy, retreats, investing in my healing. I started hiking and hiking high peaks with my best friend and finding things that really fill me up. So I would say it took me about a year and a half to start feeling like joy again, like true joy to a point where my internal being was joyful again. And I'll tell you, yeah, my agency is making

36:19
million dollars. That's nowhere near what I'm making, right? Because it's a startup. So, obviously, I'm not paying myself a million dollars. Not even close to that. But I will say that the things that build me up internally are the things that I invest in. So, money to me is only a vehicle to providing a joyful life for me and my kids, right? And

36:49
bringing joy, like we're planning a vacation to Jamaica. That's something that they really wanna do. Going on little short vacations, even just going out and taking a hike. Going together. Yeah, going and be able to go shopping, going to the movies, spending time together. Those are the things that bring me joy more than anything. And so I had to.

37:17
I set really strict work hours. Like, I only work nine to three. I take weekends off. I don't work nights. Like, I have balance, which are things I never had before. You mentioned you found joy again. Do you recall feeling joy before or true joy? The joy that you feel now, did that exist before and went away or is this like a new thing for you? Yeah, that's a good question. I don't think I felt this kind of joy before. Yeah, fulfillment? This is it.

37:46
Yeah, this is a healing joy. This is like a, nobody can touch me or mess with my joy type of joy. Like, like, and I have also really protected myself from people that would steal that. So like my friendships, I'm very careful about who I surround myself with. The people that I allow into my circle, the people that I hire into my company, the company culture of my employees is very important.

38:16
the people that I surround myself that I allow into my life is very, very important to me. And I don't tolerate, and this is a big part of it, I used to be like a big people pleaser. And now I'm just like, you don't get access to me. If you try to like bring chaos towards this woman, you get cut off because I don't want that anymore. I have a very strict...

38:42
way that I want to feel and live my life. And if you don't fit into that, you don't get access to Lauren anymore. I think that's important. I think not enough people do that. I think, again, a go to our generation is just like, you know, you have as many friends as possible, you're the most connections, you have all these things. And then at some point, we realize that that's not serving us in the way that

39:06
would be valuable or bring us to fulfillment or some kind of joy along those lines, I think that is a very healthy approach. I mean, you know, you have to, it doesn't mean that you're like, standoffish to everyone, but you don't get all of me. You get the pieces that are needed in our connection and our acquaintance or whatever that may be. And you're not in this inner circle component of my life. And I think more people need to do that.

39:33
because it's healthy. It's a protection. It's a boundary. But it's scary to do at first, right? Oh, yeah. I remember telling my therapist, I remember him telling me something and I'm like, can you like repeat that so I can write it down? You know, and it was something like, I, you know, you can't talk to me that way. I won't allow you in into my life like that. And I just it was so foreign to me that I didn't even know how to say it out loud, that I literally wrote it on a notepad.

40:02
and like practiced it. And now it's like, so just who I am as a person and even as like a business person, like, you know, I used to be so like trusting of everybody in business, but I've noticed now in the past year of running my agency, like I've come across some really crazy, narcissistic business people that will eat me alive if I don't have those same boundaries. And so that...

40:32
It's been a lesson for me as well this year that I need to be just as careful in business relationships as well. Yeah, and it probably informs how you choose your clients or how your clients choose you. And it needs to be this symbiotic relationship that feels right. And I think that there's a lot of businesses out there that's like any buck is a good buck, you know? And, you know, it's really not. Our clients, yeah, our clients have to fit into our company culture.

40:59
I won't take a client if they're needy or negative or draining. I don't have time for that. We have plenty of clients. I don't need one that's going to drain our energy and bring in a negative vibe. It sounds like you have this stronger connection to self now and that you're not just the mother, the provider, the influencer, the expert, these things. You're just Lauren.

41:29
And Lauren can do all these things, but she is not these things. You know, and that I think that takes a bump, a speed bump of some sort to for most of us to figure out that we are, you know, an individual and we will make mistakes and we will make the wrong decisions and we will go down the wrong path. And all of that can be OK. You know, it's so true. And I have this sign in my bedroom.

41:57
that I wake up to every morning and it says, you're right where you're supposed to be. And I truly believe that whatever speed bump I go through in life, I used to be like, ah, life sucks and then you die, you know? And now it's like, okay, this speed bump was here for a reason, I just have to learn from it. Whatever that is, I'm supposed to be here, supposed to be going through this. Now I just have to make the next right decision, whatever that is, and I don't have to stress about

42:27
the decision, 10 decisions ahead of me. I just have to focus on like the next right one and then one after that. So to be able to really take things into perspective. But yeah, finding out who I was was the greatest gift because I really like myself, you know? And I can stay by myself and I can go on vacation by myself because I'm like, I'm pretty cool. You know, I like me.

42:55
Do you look back at that Lauren that was married and doing those things as a different person? Do you feel different about her? In what ways? 100%. I was a people pleaser, 100%. I was so consumed with what other people thought about me and the perception of what they thought about me. I was also very consumed with what people thought about my kids, their behaviors.

43:24
their reaction. I also was very caught up in the appearance of the Joneses. And it's funny, my last book was called The Recovering Spender. And it's all about not comparing yourself to the Joneses, right? But yet the whole time I'm comparing myself to the Joneses in other ways, maybe not financially, but definitely in other ways. I feel

43:54
I feel bad for her. I feel sorry. I feel like she doesn't know herself because she never gave herself the time. I got married when I was 21, so I wasn't even a grown up. Right. You thought you were. I thought I was. I had my son when I was 24. I didn't even know what made me happy anymore. I was just...

44:23
tired and moving in the motions and... Just chasing the next high. I was. In business and whatnot. You know, it's interesting, I think back to when you were describing, you know, you were on TV all the time, you were telling people about personal finance, you were giving them tips, you were doing all this stuff. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, you're getting divorced, you've lost money, you've made wrong decisions. Part of me thinks, man, if the world had seen you tell that story at that time,

44:53
how much value people would get in that, how much validation that, look, she knows on paper what to do, but sometimes life happens. And I think there is such value in that. And I love that 2022, 2023, hopefully next year, 2024, that people are bringing their whole selves into this kind of influencer space in that we're human.

45:22
Like we're not perfect. And behind the scenes, if we can share a little bit about what's not perfect behind the scenes, as we're telling you our best advice, like, look, this happened to me. I think we're in a much better space. And I wish that that version of you had that ability or confidence to be able to be like, look, I'm telling you this now. But in real life, this is what's happening. And this is what I'm going to do moving forward. This is how I'm going to fix this. You know, there's such a, you look back and you're like, oh, man.

45:52
the opportunities that could have been there had you known who Lauren was, you know? Well, and you think of, I think back on that and I think so much shame. Yeah, we assume that. Yeah, kept me hidden. But I'm wondering who would place that on you. Like, I think people would celebrate you. I place it on myself, right? I should, my therapist told me one time, you should never should yourself. Don't ever should yourself. Cause I think to myself, like you should

46:22
you shouldn't have done this, or you shouldn't have gone through this, or shouldn't should. In my head, I'm thinking that this is so embarrassing, I should have my life together. But I don't. Guess what, we all think that. Right, but now on the other side of this, I know by talking about these kind of things, and thank you for having this show, Matt, because when you have these kind of conversations, you can hold space for people.

46:49
to come forward and say, I went through this too. And I went through these kinds of situations. And I know so many divorced women go through shame because they didn't want to be in that spot, or maybe they chose to be in that spot like I did, like I filed for divorce. They chose that, but they still sit in shame. And a lot of my shame came from the fact that

47:19
I was in a church community and divorce in a Christian community is such a shameful experience and I lost all of my friends and I still haven't recovered from that trauma that I went through, which could be a whole other conversation. I mean, I still very much have faith, but just practice in a different way. My faith was struggling. My relationships were struggling.

47:49
I didn't, I just felt like the only way to heal was to be quiet and to work internally because the shame was so great over like, I shouldn't be here. This is not how I pictured my life to turn out to be. Yeah, this was not on the plan. This was not in the plan. Yeah. Like this is not the book I wrote. Yeah, but now you look back and it wasn't the plan. Maybe it was, maybe this was the plan.

48:18
It was the plan. I can't, I could have never gotten here without the road that I've been on. And I'm so grateful. You know, it is, it's, sometimes it's really hard to say that like these speed bumps or these events in your life were put there for maybe, I don't know, I hate saying everything happens for a reason, but if we are aware enough.

48:43
that we can do something with those moments and learn from those moments and create new moments because of those. You know, I look back on losing my mom at such a young age. That made me who I am now. Failing for two decades to grieve her properly, I should have, you know, I'm using this term, I should have done it sooner, but maybe that wasn't part of the plan. Maybe I was meant to struggle for 20 years over that loss.

49:11
so that I could be this version of me in which I feel more fully formed as a human. And so, you know, it's tough to look back on those and go, yeah, it did serve its purpose in a sad but tragic, traumatic way. Same for you, you know? Like, nobody wants to go, nobody wants to have four kids and then go through a divorce. Right, yeah. Nobody plans that. It's not fun, it's not easy. But you're a human and things happen. Yep. You know?

49:41
I love the phrase that, thank God, we never have to rise above being human. But we try. We try. And we're so freaking hard on ourselves. Yeah. Well, even you. Yep. I still am. You still go into it. And I think that's normal too. I don't think that we should say that there's any shame in that either because, again, we're going to have bad days. We're going to have good days. We're going to be mad. We're going to be sad. We're going to have all those things. And all of those are okay. And they're allowed to coexist.

50:09
and I think that's okay in the permission. You mentioned the show kind of holds space. I think it's important to hold space for yourself. Like you said, that quiet. And allow yourself to just be and acknowledge it. Like I'll get to a point where I know something's off in my life. Like I'll feel like you have that feeling. Before I used to try to push that down or pretend or do something to counteract that or whatever. Now I just sit with it. Now I just acknowledge it and I'm like, today's not a great day, but I know it's not forever.

50:39
And I know this will process in the way that it needs to and move forward. And it's so much more comforting instead of like assuming like, oh my God, I'm depressed. Why is so... Why, you know, that shame that we pull... Yeah, what's going on? Like, what did I do? What's wrong with me? What was the trigger? You know, like just... It is what it is. You know, we can't control all of it. So... Yeah, it's... That's so true to be able to be okay. Took me a long time to get there though, because I couldn't even sit with myself for... So uncomfortable. But I love...

51:07
for your kids that they get to see this journey for you. They got to see you broken. They got to see you find yourself. They got to see you find joy. They got to see you learn things that you thought you were not capable of. They got to see you restart a company and be successful there and actually get those, that external validation that we don't really need. But it's also nice to see that your hard work is being rewarded. Your kids are gaining so much, even though.

51:35
they've had to experience this divorce and they had to experience their parents being separate. I mean, I think there's still so much value in the experience that your kids are having just because you found yourself. Totally true, totally true. So it's been worth it, even though it's been hard, it's been 100% worth it on the journey. Yeah, I think the hard things. I was talking to someone yesterday, which reminded me of an earlier conversation I had on the show, like super early ones that I wouldn't go back and listen to.

52:04
But a guess was like, our mess is our message. And I thought that was so profound in a way that like, I'm thankful that so much of my life was messy. Because like, we get to learn so much from those pieces. I can't imagine not having a life where it was, I can't imagine having a life that was just like clean, everything worked out, you know, like that just feels very weird. That does feel weird. That feels like really boring to me. Right, yeah. So I think, you know, thank you for

52:34
calling an audible and changing your story and sharing this. I think so many more people will relate with this feeling of losing oneself or never even having the opportunity to find oneself until you had to, until you had to sit in it and figure it out. I think it's very valuable. Thank you for that. Yeah, thanks so much for having me on and for letting me share that. I don't know if I've ever shared that story on a podcast before. So.

53:04
Yeah, it's good stuff. Yeah, I think it's valuable. I think that when I think of the Life Shift podcast, I think I wish people were just having these conversations, just sitting down, strangers sitting with each other and feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable, to share the not perfect parts of us. And guess what? There's a lot more of those that we have in common than the really...

53:30
quote unquote, successful things that we've done. I think a lot of us can just relate to this. So I like to kind of wrap up these conversations with a question. And I'm wondering if you could go back to Lauren, who just filed for divorce and is just feeling like a fraud in this prison that you've created for yourself. Is there anything that this version of you would want to say to her or do with her or anything in that way? I think that.

53:58
I remember just thinking to myself when the divorce ended, I was like, in my mind, I was thinking, you're gonna be alone forever, okay? Who's gonna want a single mom of four? In my mind, I was thinking, you're gonna be alone forever because I had never been alone before. And now I look back on that and I say to myself, like, girl, you're gonna make it?

54:27
and you're gonna be so proud of yourself, and being alone is gonna be a gift to you. Because it was the single best thing that I've ever done for myself is to take time for me to get to know me. And people would always say that like, oh, you need to da da da. And it's like, no, it really was. I would just say, you're gonna do this and you're gonna rock it. Just trust me. Because I had so much doubt in myself of what was gonna happen.

54:57
It's hard to think back to those people, because you're like, it just, everything, it just felt like despair. You felt like there was no hope. I was just, this is gonna be, it's gonna be a mess. Look where you are, look what you've created. Look at this joy that you've brought to yourself. Look at who Lauren is, not who this successful business owner is or whatever. It's just Lauren. And like, you can do all these things, cool. If you don't wanna do them, cool. You know, and that's where you are now, or that's what I see now.

55:25
We've known each other for this hour right here. And I feel like we've known each other for a long time because we've been able to have this conversation. So thank you for being a part of the LifeShift podcast. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. If people want to read your books or they want to get in your circle or learn more about your business, or maybe they want to be a client because they've written a nonfiction book and they want to get on TV or whatever that may be, what's the best way to get into your orbit?

55:53
Yeah, people can go to leve And all my contact information is on there. They can book a call. They can message me on Instagram. They can find me at lauren underscore cabello. Or they can go to the agency account, which is leverage with media. And on there, they can see our clients and where we get them featured and all of that. Cool, well, we will include all of that information in the show notes so it's easy for people to click on and get to. But if you...

56:22
have any interest in being in Lauren's orbit, I recommend doing that. I recommend checking out the books that she has and what her clients are up to. And if you enjoy this conversation or you know someone that might be in a situation in which Lauren described of how she was feeling or kind of, you know, they might feel alone in that circumstance, send this episode to them. That would be probably the greatest gift that we could have right here is that someone else could feel a little less alone in that experience.

56:51
So with that, I will say goodbye. Until next week, I'll have a brand new episode of the LifeShift Podcast. Thank you so much, Lauren, for being a part of this. Thank you.