From Burnout to Breakthrough: Power of Honest Conversations | Tony Martignetti

00:00
I'm able to see possibilities in things that I never thought would be possible. Not just in myself, but also in other people. I feel like my eyes are wider than I've ever experienced. I have a starving for conversations that go deeper than I did before. The cost of your new life is your old life. Sometimes when I reflect back on my old life and I say like, well, some people didn't quite understand the transition I was going through.

00:28
including some of my family members, and I had to like, allow myself to say, don't get held back by the baggage of what people think you should be. Instead, allow yourself to evolve, allow yourself to have compassion for who you're becoming, and eventually the people who see you evolve will come along, or they won't. In this episode, I speak with Tony Martignetti, a leader in the field of personal development.

00:55
His story is one of resilience and a lot of self-reflection and truly the pursuit of fulfillment. Through his own experiences, he's discovered the power of embracing authenticity and self-honesty as he's taking off points for personal growth and having deeper connections with others. We open the door to deeper connections when we can kind of peel back those layers and just be a little bit more honest in our conversations. We explore Tony's personal journey of

01:23
figuring out how working in finance, but also being an artist, can work for him in a beneficial way in the workplace. And he shares how he initially kind of hid that creative artistic side so that he could fit properly into the corporate world, whatever we determine that to mean, only to realize that embracing his true passions and his talents was going to lead him to true well-being and happiness. What I found most helpful in this episode is really the idea or the power of

01:52
owning our own stories and sharing all those parts out in the light. Through my own journey, I found that exposing some of these elements led to further growth for myself. So I think that you'll find that true of Tony's story as well. We touch on finding purpose and endless work and obviously we're going to talk about that checklist life and breaking free of society's expectations and just taking time to recharge. So before I start, I want to take a moment to thank.

02:21
my Patreon supporters. Specifically this week I want to thank Trapper and Shane of Dream Vacations for sponsoring one episode a month. Their support each month helps cover some of the production costs and just keeps the show going so that I don't have to pull stuff out of my pocket. And they offer some amazing deals with Dream Vacations. So I highly recommend that you check out Trapper and Shane at the link in the show notes, or you can follow them on Instagram and Facebook at YourVacationHeroes.

02:49
and see all the cool places that they go and ask them about all the special deals that they have going on. So without further ado, let's jump into this honest conversation with Tony Martignetti. I'm Matt Gilhooly and this is The Life Shift, candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

03:17
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Life Shift podcast. I am here with what I'm going to assume is a new friend, Tony. Hey, Tony. How you doing? I am, let's see, I'm pretty good. I'm a little bit tired, which we're gonna go with this honesty here instead of being like society tells us to say good and you. So how are you? I'm doing pretty good. I'm tired myself. It's been a wild ride this week.

03:45
And it's only Wednesday for those of you listening. So we'll see what Thursday and Friday bring to us. But I appreciate you coming on the show. We talked a couple of weeks back, and a mutual connection connected us. Christy, and she was on in June of 2023, and shared her story of kind of really, in an instant almost, changing her bad habits and incorporating new good habits, such as journaling.

04:15
and it totally changed the trajectory of her life. So, you know, I'm glad for that connection and I hear that you know her well as well. It's great to be able to be connected through people who are amazing. And it's interesting how like one thing can just shift you in the right direction. So. Yeah, and I talked to a lot of people about.

04:37
the life shift and everyone's like, oh, you know, I have so many life shifts in my life. And I'm like, yeah, I know. I mean, we're human. Hopefully we have these pivots and whatnot. There are a lot of guests though, that have maybe more, a single or two that are more significant than some of the others or something that's like really specific that triggered a change in their life, good, bad, indifferent. And that's what I love to talk about here because,

05:05
We're all human. We're all trying to do the same thing. We're trying to get through this life and enjoy most of the ride and be a human and connect with others and create these conversations and these experiences with each other to really make the most of however much time we have on this Earth. And so I know you're coming on here and you're going to share a part of your life that I think is important to share.

05:33
And maybe 10, 15, 20 years ago, society would tell us not to share those moments of our lives because it was seen as something that maybe was not acceptable to talk about. And so that's why I am so appreciative of people like you wanting to come on the show. So thank you for that ahead of time. Don't tell us yet, but. Thank you. No, thank you. And it's one of those things where the ability to be vulnerable is something that is important, but also something that

06:02
It's hard to come by and we have to learn it like a muscle. I would agree. And I would hope that current generations maybe are leaning into it more than generations of the past, because they're seeing it more. They're seeing it around them. They're maybe being encouraged to be vulnerable. And I have hope, maybe. Cross your fingers, everyone. We hope that people will be more vulnerable and more human and more.

06:30
connected and less performative and all those pieces that come with it. So let's get into your story. Maybe you can kind of paint the picture of, well, you can tell us a little bit about who you are right now and then paint the picture of what your life was like leading up to this moment that we're gonna discuss today. I love that. So it's a great way to get started. And so what's interesting about starting from where I am right now is that I do a lot of work around coaching and leadership development with people who are in

06:59
different industries, but for the most part, they're leaders who are on the rise. And my business is called Inspired Purpose Coaching. And my tagline for my business is inspiration through honest conversations. And the reason why I mention that in this moment is because I feel like I needed to have an honest conversation with myself in my life at some point in my journey, where we'll get into that in a moment. But the thing is that

07:27
A lot of my work is really geared towards building a deeper human connection. And especially during those times when people are navigating through change. And let's be honest, change is like a constant. Um, no matter where you look, we're going through change. And so how do we create a deeper connection with who we are, but also with people around us and building relationships that are more valuable and the first thing you can do to get there is to be honest with yourself about who you are. And.

07:57
how you wanna present yourself in a way that is authentic and real. The buzzword of authentic. You're one of those that hates it too. I have a- I do too, yeah. I have a friend that this is, you know, it's like we always kind of lean towards that authentic word because it's just there and it's everyone's using it, but so many people just dislike it because maybe it doesn't paint the full picture of it. You know, before you get into your story.

08:25
Being honest with yourself is probably one of the hardest things to do for a lot of people. And so I commend you for encouraging these people on the rise to really be honest with themselves, because once they are, I would imagine their connections get deeper with everyone else around them and allow them to go even farther down the path that they kind of see for themselves. So, but yeah, I think it's really hard.

08:55
Yeah, and I think I'll just to take that one step further is to say the world around us is forcing us not to be honest. It's to put on a mask and to show up differently and to have a persona that reflects an image. But we have to be able to be real with ourselves and with others so that they end up seeing the true picture of what we're trying to create in the world. And I think the reason why that's important is that

09:25
We have a lot of value to give the world, but if we don't get that understanding of what it is that we're trying to put out there, it's gonna be hard for us to really create that if we're just putting on airs, putting on masks. Well, I think it leads to burnout, I think, because you're performing all the time. You are trying to meet whatever level you're assuming other people have, or some kind of mark.

09:53
which I think a lot of that is made up. Honestly, I think we kind of make this up and then we perpetuate it and then it just becomes this mess. If you look at social media, it's a lot of like, here's how I got to $8 million in three days. And you're like, well, great, but like, where did you mess up? Like, tell me those stories, because I would much rather hear those human, like struggle stories and learn like that you made it through.

10:17
Like, congratulations. Like, then you made the $8 million. But tell me how you really got there and not like those three steps that are very performative. Yeah, absolutely. Why don't you paint the picture of what your life was like leading up to this moment. So, let me start by saying that I spent 25 years working in corporate. I was in a very amazing industry. I was working in life sciences.

10:44
particularly the role that I had was working in finance and strategy. So I did a lot of work with numbers and kind of very technical type of role. But I was always somebody who underneath it all had this real connection to people's stories and had a curiosity about what really made people tick. And underneath all of that, there was also an artist who was dying to get out. I was an artist as a child and I

11:12
kind of stuff that all down and realized that I needed to show up differently in the workplace. I often talk about putting myself in a box, which I did. For a number of years, I said, this is who I need to show up as because this is what is expected of me. And so I did. I mean, I talked to a lot of people about this checklist that society had for all of us, that we kind of.

11:37
You know, you graduate high school, then you got to pick the college and you got to pick your degree, then you got to get the job, then you got to get the promotions and you got to buy a house, then you have to do this. And it's like, why did we absorb all that? And, and then people like you, you know, you, you're an artist on the inside, but you went to finance because that was where the money, you know, or someone told you at one point, or someone told me that go into business. That's where the money is. You can do this, this, this, and this, all the opportunities that will come of you. So yeah, I understand that very well.

12:07
Yeah. And it kept on feeding the beast, if you will, because I was getting rewarded. I was being promoted. I was getting accolades. But there was also people along the way who told me like, man, you're not the typical finance person or you're not the typical this. And I'm like, great. That's a good thing, I guess. But here's the path I'm on. So let me continue to put my head down and and work harder.

12:35
and keep on moving up the mountain to get into where I want to go. Until I got to this place where I found myself really, you know, putting in the hours. I mean, I was working until like, you know, two o'clock in the morning, getting up at five and just continuing to feel like I was stuck in a pattern of work was the only thing that mattered. I often talk about it as being addicted to doing.

13:02
where I couldn't even relax. I didn't know what it meant to really take time off and enjoy myself. Work became the only thing, not just an important thing. And I burnt myself out to the point where I was so depressed that I was in the verge of wanting to not go on any longer. And it was a dark time in my life where I felt like, you know, I had a son who I...

13:33
wanted to make sure that I was there for him. And that was the only thing that really stopped me from doing something that would have been the end of me, was this hope. Yeah. I mean, sometimes that's just what we need, right? Yeah. Did you feel that this growing as you were performing more, cause it sounds like you were just chasing, chasing, chasing.

14:00
eventually I'll get there and feel the way that people told me I was going to feel. Exactly. So let me just keep working as hard as I can because it's coming, right? Like I can see it. Did you feel this building up this desperation, I guess, maybe? Well, Matt, it's exactly it. I mean, there is a sense of like I often talk about how fulfillment and happiness, we think it's a destination, but it's not. It's actually a place to come from. And I talk about this in my first book.

14:29
called Climbing the Right Mountain, which is all about this sense of like, we have this program of what we think success looks like, because it's what everyone tells us it should be. But when we don't feel it, then what we do is we feel like it's gonna come when I get to that next milestone, what are that next place? And then when we get there, we realize, I've given up everything that was important to me in the process of getting here, and then realizing that this is not.

14:58
what I expected it was going to be. And I'm not happy or fulfilled. So what now? And I think that's where a lot of people struggle is a sense of like, how do I define success and come from a mindset of fulfillment as opposed to feeling like I have to burn myself out in the process of getting to some place, a mystical place, and then realize that maybe that's not even what I really even want.

15:28
Yeah, it's like the top of the mountain is never, like you can see it, but you're never actually making it there. And so each stop you're like, okay, well, maybe it's, maybe it's the next one that I'm gonna feel this. But I also think back, you know, I had the same kind of projections of, you know, if I get the next promotion, everyone around me will be super impressed and I'll feel successful. You know, I'll feel something. And I just kept chasing that. And...

15:58
in like my mid-30s, when my grandmother passed away, I like something snapped and I was just like, no, I'm gonna go against this. And I like asked for a demotion. Like I asked for a thing that people were like, what are you doing? This is career suicide. And I was like, well, according to whom? You know, like who told me that I have to keep going up? And so I can understand what that feeling is like. I think that people that

16:27
were born in the 70s, 80s, 90s, were very conditioned to just keep chasing this invisible marker that I don't even think anyone told us was there. It's like we absorbed it somehow from everyone else, maybe the movies we were watching or the people around us to define that as successful. And I love that you bring in this idea of the movies because it does make for good movies that this like...

16:53
Okay, the person comes in, they rise up and they get to this pinnacle and everything's all fantastic and great. But there's an underlying story and nothing is as it seems on the surface. We have to make sure that we understand what's really going on in their mind. And so when you think about movies, sometimes over the years, we've gotten an inner dialogue that has changed the way that we look at the hero. How are they thinking?

17:24
What has changed inside of them that has made them think differently about that mountain that they're climbing? And I think that's one thing that's really changed the hero dynamic of who we look at as a hero. Yeah. Even the image of a hero has changed. Oh, well, yeah. But you think of those movies too where people make it to whatever, and then the movie's over, right? Because that's the, and then so we absorb that, like that's it. That's how you get there. You don't know what happens after.

17:54
But I think, as everything else is, I feel like the movies are changing in that way as well. I think, like you point out, we get a little bit more of that human aspect. As you were going through this dark period, what was that period, the length of that where you felt like it got to the pinnacle of, I could consider not being around anymore as a viable option had I not have this child around? Yeah.

18:23
It would slow at first, I mean, that just kind of like a slow burn. And I think that's one thing that people think, okay, it just, you know, would you just snap one day? But it was, you get stuck in a pattern. And I think that's what we often, what happens is we start doing things that are serving us and they continue to feed the beast. And so slowly but surely get stuck in this pattern of, okay, do this, do more of this, do more of this.

18:50
And then all of a sudden, you're finding yourself in this place of like, why am I not feeling as lit up as I used to be? Why am I not feeling the excitement of my days? Or why am I dreading that next meeting I'm going to or the next day? And that's where you start to feel the impact that has built up over time. It's almost like you start to close your eyes and you're just on autopilot.

19:20
And I think that's where the day comes when you decide, wait a minute, I need to wake up. I need to find out what's really going on in my life. And that's what I think a lot of people who I work with now is a sense of like rekindling that spark because it's gone out and they just kind of go on this autopilot. So hopefully that answers your question, but it's a sense of like, when you feel like the color has gone out in your life, that element of, you know,

19:50
recolorizing your life is what we need to do, is put the life back in. Was this like your literal experience? Yeah. Like what was your day in and day out feeling like? Did you, was it, in other words, were you, you know, you're doing this grind, you're doing this grind, was there a moment where you stopped and looked around? Or was it something you noticed every day as you were kind of trying to reach through this? Yeah, I didn't notice it.

20:18
until I got to this point where it started to really kind of show up where I wasn't feeling great about my life or about the way things were. So I felt like it was going through the motions and I think on the outside people didn't notice it as much as I was noticing on the inside. They might have noticed that I wasn't quite showing up the way I was before, but it wasn't like remarkably, oh, this person's having real problems. I was putting on a lot of masks.

20:48
as I said before, there's a sense of we put on a mask and say, okay, everything's fine, I'm good. But ultimately on the inside, there was a sense of dying inside. Was there a moment that triggered you to realize that? Like where you noticed yourself doing something different and you're like, looking around, like, how did I get here? Yeah, there were a few moments where, even when I had downtime, like for example, if I was in the middle of the summer, I was working on vacation.

21:16
on Martha's Vineyard and I was doing work and I was realizing as I wrapped up for the day that I just spent my entire day on vacation working and I was sitting down to actually do something besides work and I just had this sense of like, I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know how to relax. And I had lost that sense of like how to see myself relaxing. Do you think that your work was your way to avoid?

21:46
all of that and avoid those, you know, just dive into that. I'm too busy to think about myself here because I'm scared of it, right? And so we find these ways to cover it. I'm too busy to do that. I can't even possibly dissect. Nothing's wrong. I'm just really busy. I agree with you, Matt. That's exactly it. You know, as I said, like I had an addiction to doing and that addiction to doing comes from this place of like filling the place of like,

22:16
the emotions, the feelings with like the doing because the doing just has this satisfaction to it that just continues. It's almost like alcohol and other addictions. It's like almost like makes you feel like, oh, I'm being productive. So therefore there's nothing wrong. Well, and here's the thing. You were performing as a numbers guy which has a lot of definitive like check marks, right? And so the check mark

22:46
life is very addicting. It's like, I got another thing done. I got another thing done. It's a list of accomplishments that we can do. It fits into your space, and there's always something new to do when it comes to numbers and financing and stuff. And it's very easy to get sucked into that, especially when probably your subconscious was like, hello, help me. And you're like, I can't, I'm too busy. What was the moment where you were ready to have that honest?

23:16
a truly deep, honest conversation with yourself. Yeah, I mean, there was a moment where I just remember, like, you know, planning things out for me that, you know, I get really uncomfortable about this particular part of it, but the planning things out and thinking, you know, this is going to be the end and then deciding that I can't do this to my family. This is not the way out. There's got to be a different way. And it very slowly moved myself from that point of

23:45
complete desperation to a place of, there's gotta be a different path, there's gotta be a different way to help myself through this. And it didn't just, wasn't just one thing that solved it. I started meditating, that was one thing. I did start seeing a therapist. Good job. And I- It's hard, especially as a guy in society, it's like, what's wrong with you? You know, like- Yeah, yeah.

24:13
Yeah, there's a you hit it right in the head is this a sense of like shame and guilt that comes along with that. And I often say this to people who I talk with now, like, you know, asking for help is like so hard. First of all, because we don't know what we want exactly. And it just feels shameful to be able to say I can't handle it all. Well, that's why it's important, you know, the most successful people in the world, ask for help.

24:40
because they know where their limitations are or they know what they can do very well and then they know what they can't and they look for help from the people who are around them who can support them. And so I think that was the first part of me asking for help and it started with books and meditation, therapists and all that. And it built up to this place of getting the, having a foundation and I think I've shared with you that I eventually left corporate.

25:09
because I had this awakening of really seeing, my gosh, I'm not doing the work I was meant for. Yeah, the fulfillment part that you mentioned. Yeah, and that's, you know, I talk a lot about this light that we have inside of us. And in fact, this, I think of this illumination of our inside coming out. We have to spark the fire inside to allow ourselves to come out and share more of who we are. But I think my light was out and I needed to like.

25:37
get that little spark. And then before you know it, I set it to really illuminate. And I started to burn so brightly that I had to like say, like, I can't live in this world any longer the way that I'm doing it. So that's what got me to really leap out and take some really big chances of leaving the corporate world and deciding to do something on my own, even without clear plans as to what that looked like. Which is probably weird for you for the life you lived before. You know, I...

26:05
I think there's a lot of people listening that have been close to the dark, dark moment. And maybe they've made plans, maybe they've thought about it, maybe it was just like a side thought wasn't like, I don't know if I'm really going to do it, but it's a really dark place. And I will say, I haven't been that close, thankfully, but having depression as a child or as a teenager and as a young adult. The dark moments for me.

26:35
were much easier to stay in than they were to emerge from. It was much easier to stay mad, sad, depressed, in bed than to take those first couple steps.

26:54
What was that first step for you? You have all these plans in place, or you started making plans. Something triggered you. Maybe you saw your son, or you saw something that triggered that. What got you to take that first step out? Open that door. Wizard of Oz I'm picturing right now, because that's how old I am. I'm picturing when she opens the door and everything's in color from her sepia tones before. What?

27:23
When did you like peek open through that door? What was that first thing that like triggered you to like, okay, I gotta take this first step. Yeah, and I'll share that in a moment. I just wanna react to what you said, which is the sense of like comfort that comes from the darkness and- It's like a blanket. Yeah, and I think that's why like, it's really hard to come out of that moment because you know, you feel comforted by the place that you're in. And it takes a lot of courage to step out of your comfort zone.

27:53
And every time I step out, I realize that it's the place I need to be. But ultimately it took some time and courage for me to get out there. But the moment that was most prescient for me was just the sense of like, here I am working at home or, you know, I was at home for this particular day. And I, I could be done today and my son could come home from work and from school and see me here. I don't want him to see me here. Be the first one to see me here.

28:24
and having him to have to deal with that as being the first thing he sees. And was that the first time you thought about him when you were absorbed in that dark, dark space? And that was the first time that he came in, oh, like, oh, this doesn't just affect me. This doesn't just put out my light. It might put out the light of many people around me. Was that kind of like that first time that you realized? Yes. Because it's hard to see beyond.

28:52
whatever's right here when you're in those moments. So I can understand that. Yeah, yeah. It definitely was that moment that really got me thinking differently about myself. And I don't want to shame other people who are going through this process, because it's not just about you, but it is because it's people who are impacted by your actions. But I think that's also empowering in a way that you think about your actions have an impact on other people.

29:22
And we sometimes diminish our beautiful impact on other people. And in those dark moments, we sometimes say to ourselves, like, oh, I don't make a difference. I'm not making an impact. And therefore, no one will miss me. And it's funny because a lot of people, I don't, the word funny is terrible. I didn't mean to use that. But when we are in these moments, a lot of us that have been in that dark space, on the outside,

29:51
are performing at their highest, at our highest. Like we're getting the jobs, we're getting the promotion. On the outside, everything looks great, right? But everything on the inside feels so empty and so dark. And we forget that other people are seeing and are impacted, like you point out, by the things that we're doing out in the world when we're performing with our mask on or whatever we're doing.

30:20
And so imagine if we had the moment to sit with ourselves and really talk to ourselves and really understand that this is not, like it's potentially not forever. There is potentially something we can do different for everyone, different time period for everyone, different journey for everyone, but there is hopefully something we could do to move through that.

30:49
And so I'm with you, I don't want to shame anyone that's not feeling a certain way, but it's stories like yours, stories like mine, stories like other people on the show, that there is an after. You know, and a lot of times we have the ability to create that after, just like we created it before in a lot of cases. I, you know, I want to come back to something you said shared earlier, which was like we start to

31:17
When you start to get to those darkest moments, and when you have those moments, even when you have like, you talked about your grandmother earlier, like when you're faced with death or the darkness, it has you get real. It has you get real about what's most important. And I think not to say that I want people to do that, but I think we have to get real about what's most important because sometimes we might be just going through life.

31:46
with the lights off. And we can't, we have to be able to think about what's most important here. Because if I want to experience life to its fullest, I have to be clear about what I want most. We also have to be cautious that we redefine fullest, you know, and we redefine what is fulfillment for us. And that comes to your point of having these really honest conversations with ourselves.

32:14
sometimes those are super hard like we mentioned earlier, because a lot of us are running on autopilot or half been and then suddenly are not. My grandmother, she was in her 80s, she passed from cancer and when she was like towards the end, she said something to the effect of, I wish I hadn't worried so much because all that matters is love in the end.

32:39
And that was really something that stuck with me and triggered me because I had always been a worrier with her through like, what if I don't get that promotion? What if this doesn't happen? It was all related to, quote unquote, success, or what I thought success meant. And I think that's why it triggered a newer journey for me to be like, all this extra stress and worry in the time that I'm 24 hours thinking about work. Is that going to matter when I'm 80 something?

33:09
You know, is that gonna matter? And so I think that's what triggered that. But you're right, you see, oh, there is an end eventually. How do I get there in the best way for myself? And how do I make the best journey for myself along the way? Yeah, it's really great. I mean, when I think about this and I say not great, but it's great when you have that reframe and that change of mindset. You know, you just reminded me of a story that I'll share super quick.

33:38
that came from my father. My father had an aneurysm, a subarctic, which was basically one in the center of his brain. He survived it, which was remarkable, but he was in a coma for a period of time. And then eventually he came out of the coma and was, he couldn't put things in order. So his mind was all scrambled. And he lived for a period of time after that until he passed about two, three years ago now. Anyways, so long story short,

34:08
He said something to me after he came out of the coma, and he said, make sure you cherish the times when your son is young, because he'll never be young again. This time is going to be only here for a period of time. Cherish those moments, yeah? It was just one of those things that he said that just kind of like got me thinking, like man, we go through life just kind of thinking, oh, we'll get to that when we get there.

34:35
But we don't cherish the moment, the present moment, and realize that this is the moment that matters right now. Well, you know what's funny about that, what my grandmother said, what your dad said. You could be like, duh. I mean, these are all common. We all know this. But yet somehow we get wrapped up in performing and or wasting. And wasting is OK as well. I think that we shouldn't shame that.

35:03
as well, as long as it's not all the time. But sometimes I love wasting a Saturday because that's what I need. That's what I need to refuel. That's what I need to recharge. Thinking about myself, it's not literally wasting. It is serving its purpose. But I think being more, I guess, here's another overused word, intentional about what we do and what we choose to do, I think brings you more fulfillment to bring you back to that word of understanding there is power in this.

35:32
in what I'm doing and this is why I'm doing it. I'm not just doing it because, but there's a reason behind it, would you agree? Yeah, and I want you to take wasting and just reframe that to say it's not wasting at all. It absolutely is not. It's just intentional nothingness or intentional slow day. And I think that might be a great way to think about this because it's not a waste. We all need time to recharge, to do nothing.

36:01
because we're always running. You know, I think it's also important to reframe as someone that has gone through yourself and myself, gone through these depression moments in our lives. I was not clinically diagnosed, but I felt a certain way for a certain period of time. I think it's also important to note that we can still, at this version of our lives, have bad days.

36:31
and that be okay. Have sad days, feel down, feel certain ways. And as long as we're having that honest conversation with ourselves in that moment, like, hey, this is just one day, I understand why I'm feeling this way, I'm gonna let myself feel this way, and then I'm gonna move through it because I have those tools now. But I think so many people shy away from, like you earlier said, the vulnerability of like, we're gonna go through all of it, right? Like, just, we're humans.

37:00
We're going to have emotions. We're going to have happy days. We're going to have sad days. We're going to have everything in between. Yeah. I love that you shared this and I'm going to kind of riff off this for a moment because I think there's something really beautiful from here that we can take is number one, one of my favorite quotes that really drove me throughout my time of not just my period of darkness, but also my time leaving corporate was a quote from Peter Bregman, who's one of my favorite coaches in the world. And Peter said,

37:29
If you're willing to feel everything, you can have anything. And what I mean by that is that basically, emotions are there for a reason, and they're there to help you, to guide you on your path to what's on the other side. And so this willingness to feel everything allows you to experience a whole range of emotions that are gonna guide you to whatever's next for you. So let them happen, but make sure you also build your

37:58
capacity to handle the emotions Which is important. So I think that's something that's really a key part of this and then I'll also couple that with Make sure you have people around you who you can go to for help Because if you think you're just gonna be a martyr or someone who could just I can tough it out myself That's not gonna help you. It's great to have people around you who you can turn to when you're feeling dark

38:23
I think that's an important thing. There's a lot of people like yourself that are coaches now. There are a lot of people that are, you know, different areas that people go because they have a certain skillset that we don't have. And I have a few friends that are just like, oh my gosh, how many coaches are there out in the world? I'm like, well, there's probably a lot. But what I'm learning or being reminded of in every conversation is that I'm just one person. Like I went to school for a certain thing. I'm not good at everything.

38:51
If I want to be good at baseball, I might need a coach. You know, like if I want to be good at playing the guitar, I might need a tutor or a teacher or something along those lines. I'm not innately talented at everything or able to do everything. And I think if we think about it in that way, it's the same thing with therapy. It's the same thing with, like you said, just the people around you. They're gonna have different perspectives. They're going to have, hopefully you've made a core group of people that...

39:20
you can have those honest conversations with. They're not just with yourself now, but you're sharing those. And they're maybe have a little bit of judgment because we're all human. We can't be non-judgmental. But maybe they have a different perspective for us to look at it. And if we have that bond, we're able to take that quote, unquote, judgment and do something appropriate with it, whether it's just think about it, not think about it, dismiss it, use it.

39:48
whatever that may be, but if the relationship is strong, I think there's value in that. Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more. Well, good, that's it. That's all we need. We just need you to agree with me and we'll move forward from that. Would you look at that moment now, is this version of you looking at that dark, dark moment? Do you look at that as something that you maybe needed in some way to trigger?

40:16
this version of you to get here? Because if you didn't have that moment, would you still be like pushing papers and finance and getting out your TI-83 calculator and graphing things? Yeah, it's a great question. And I am always a little bit reticent to say that I needed it. I did. I know I needed a wake up call. I needed a wake up call because there was I couldn't let things go on the way they were. And I'm glad that it

40:43
happened because it led me to hard to use those words, right? Yeah, because it led me down a path of like really discovering how I can help other people. And you know, I really, I think about that. Because I realized that I had a lot to give. But I had to like, open up the side of me that wasn't really open yet. You're pushing it down. Yeah, I was pushing it down, not allowing it to be seen because I thought that's what you know,

41:14
I had to make sure that that wasn't seen because that would be a weakness or seen as something that was not valuable to other people. But once I started to kind of like let that open up, I realized that's what everyone around me needed to see and to experience. And so I am glad that that happened. However, I don't wish it upon everyone. And I think that's the sense that I want to make sure that people realize that you don't have to go through darkness to live a better life. But

41:44
just know that you're not alone if you are and seek help, find help. Know that there's another way to live and if you're willing to have those conversations with people and really explore what's really going on for you, that there's people out there who can help you along that way. I agree. I just, you know, as you tell the story of like, I mean, glad that's, it's hard to find the right word, right? Yeah. But, you know, I'm picturing Tony

42:13
operating at that same, like, maybe you only got 65% of the way there to that dark, dark space, you might have just continued on that path, right? And so there are these moments, and maybe that's our subconscious doing something to like, hey, it's like this, the slapping is not waking me up, I need to do something else. But I have the same sense of feeling. You know, when I would...

42:40
The show exists because when I was eight, my mom was killed in an accident. And from that moment on, my life shifted from something it ever was going to be, if she had not died. And at this point, 30, 100 years later, it's 34 years this year, something like that. Yeah. And this point, if there was some ability to go back and change things,

43:08
I can't say that I would because I am this version of me because of all that, because of the 20 years of struggling to process grief over losing her, because of the depression that I went through, because of the anxiety that I faced as a teenager and young adult, because of all those moments, I am this version of me. And so I guess I'm glad for the journey.

43:33
I'm not glad for the moment. I would not wish that on anyone. I don't want her to be dead. But at the same time, the things that I've learned from that experience and the people that I get to connect with now, I wouldn't want to give that up. So I'm sure that maybe you have a very similar feeling to that of like such a shitty moment in your life, but what's come from it. Yes. It's almost like, you know,

44:00
we are given this because we're meant for it. And we're meant to give that as a gift to other people. One of the chapters of my future book that's coming out in 2024, most likely, called Campfire Lessons is a chapter called Out of Darkness Comes Light. And it really is that. What's the lesson that we get from the darkest of moments that we can then give to others? And it's not like everyone should go through that, but the people who do then find that that is

44:30
part of their gift. You know, I say I struggled grieving my mom. So when my grandmother was dying, I was like, I know what I'm doing. I know exactly what I'm doing. Not what I did last time, because I have these tools. And after, when I was writing and reflecting on her passing, I wrote something very similar to your chapter. And I wrote, the light is coming faster than I could have imagined. Because I knew.

44:57
Like it was very dark, you know, like that was something I had never experienced, watching someone just die in front of me. And, but, and it was very dark, but I knew I had the tools because of my experiences before I knew exactly what I needed to do. And I knew how to lean into that. You can emerge from this darkness. Like there's, there's definitely a possibility. There shouldn't be a pressure to, if you're not ready.

45:21
I mean, you have to find your own journey. You have to, like you said, find the people around you, find the therapist, find, if you don't find a therapist, at least find someone to talk to and share it with and be open with. Because sometimes when we say these things that are in our head, they're not quite as scary when they come out of your mouth. Yeah. They're like, bouncing around inside there, everything seems very, very dark.

45:47
and scary, but then if we say it out loud, we're like, okay, I can process that, I can use it. Yeah, and you just had me think about something that was really powerful. You mentioned about doing journaling, which is a powerful exercise that we can do. One of the things that I got in the practice of doing throughout the years is creating a worry list, right? Because when you create a list of the things that are like weighing on your mind or that you're worried about, if you continue to let them ruminate in your mind,

46:17
then it's just taking up space and it's creating like, kind of like a doomy cloud for you that, you know, you don't really need, you don't need that. So the best thing you can do is when you start to kind of feel yourself like constantly ruminating on the same old things over and over again, write it down. Get it out of your head because when you see it on paper, at the very least you can say, I'll deal with that later. I'll think about that later. It gets out onto paper and it might not look as scary as it originally.

46:47
Yeah, I agree with that. What do you say or what do you think is the biggest difference between Tony now and Tony before you kind of hit that precipice? Wow, uh, feels like a completely different person to be honest with you. And I say that because I feel like I feel a lot lighter in terms of spirit wise. It kind of feels a little weird to say that, but I feel like

47:16
my soul is just a lot more like elevated and energetic. I'm able to see possibilities and things that I never thought would be possible, not just in myself, but also in other people. I feel like my eyes are wider than I've ever experienced. So those are the things that come to mind almost immediately. In my conversations that I have, I have a starving for conversations that go deeper.

47:47
than I did before. And I'll just share one last part of this, which is a common thing that people say, but the cost of your new life is your old life. Sometimes when I reflect back on my old life and I say like, well, some people didn't quite understand the transition I was going through, including some of my family members. And I had to like, allow myself to say, don't get held back by the baggage of what people think you should be instead.

48:15
Allow yourself to evolve, allow yourself to have compassion for who you're becoming. And eventually the people who see you evolve will come along, or they won't. Yeah, I think, you know, that's... I'm trying to find words to phrase this without sounding like a terribly insensitive person.

48:39
It's almost like your plans that you were making and that really hard time, it's almost like, I don't know how to say this without saying it, it's almost like they worked because they changed you into a different person. They put out the darkness, they closed the door on that chapter of Tony and they created a new chapter. And it wasn't in the physical sense, but in the...

49:06
in the body sense, you're like, everything was like, my eyes are wider now, what I pictured before is everything was very narrow focused, this job, this job, this job, better job, more money, whatever it may be, more success. And now you're just like, well, that's not really the goal here. The goal here is to like look around and I can live in this space. Exactly. Did I offend you by saying that? Not at all, not at all. I think that's exactly, you hit it right on the head. So it's perfect.

49:35
Yeah, because I'm sitting here thinking, OK, how do I use this word without sounding really terrible? But in a way, it's like you brought yourself to that point, and then you realize that point is no longer serving you. And we're going to move forward, and we're going to take these steps. And I'm sure it was not an easy journey. I'm sure it wasn't a quick journey. I am sure that it had its ups and downs. Did you ever feel drawn back to your old life?

50:05
in that journey as you're moving forward? No, but there is something that I'll share that is very vulnerable. We're on the vulnerable topic here. That is something I have to constantly be checking in on is that I talked about the addiction to doing in that as you become an entrepreneur, you become more, you know, building something of your own, you have to be careful not to get stuck into another cycle of serving a boss myself.

50:34
that is requiring more of you than you're willing to give and then finding yourself in your own prison of your own making. And what I mean by that is like, there's a desire to keep on doing more because if you do more, you'll get build something bigger. And so you have to keep those demons in check, yeah? So that's the gotcha here is that I have to constantly be thinking, who am I?

51:01
what am I doing this for and how can I make sure that I'm maintaining a sense of who I wanna be, not what can I do to get where I wanna go. And it goes back to earlier you mentioned like you help people or maybe you said you help yourself redefine success and so if as an entrepreneur you can define success for yourself, perhaps that keeps some of the overachievement or constantly doing at bay. Yes.

51:30
Yes, exactly. And it's a never-ending journey, which is a good thing because you want to keep on making sure that you're growing and learning along the way. So I have to constantly be coming back to, okay, how am I getting in my way? How am I potentially doing things that are not serving me? And it's time for me to re-jigger the ship a little bit. What, if anything, do you miss from your old life?

51:59
I mean, I kind of miss working inside of a company, to be honest with you, there's something about, you know, being part of an organization and having that camaraderie and winning and winning together, fighting together and, you know, having that sense of connection that comes with working inside of organization. But in some ways, I try to find communities where I feel like I'm part of something. You know, one of the things I often find is that

52:29
we're as humans, we're connection and belonging are two of the most important things we're looking for. And so I have to actively seek that out.

52:41
I mean, I think too, if you, this new version of you or this new approach to living, I think if you went back to corporate, you'd probably do it differently. I think you would know that you're like, laptop closed at 5 p.m., see you later, guys. I'm gonna go live my life outside of this place and have a more of a balance probably, because you learned, right? And you processed and you thought about it.

53:07
I think even in work, I would make sure that I'm spending more time on the dynamics of how I build great relationships as opposed to, hey, I'm too busy. I just got to head down and do my work. Right? Right. I have another check mark to put on my Post-It note right next to me to accomplish that today. If this version of you could go back to Tony in that super dark moment.

53:34
Is there anything that you could say or do or be with him? Yeah, well first of all, I would encourage him, say look, everything's gonna be fine. Everything's gonna turn out just fine. You have to just have the patience and the compassion with yourself to know that there's another world waiting for you on the other side of this. Do you think he would listen?

54:03
Well, coming from me now, that'd be creepy, right? It would be creepy, but it would also be, you know, having proof that it actually is possible. That's a good point. Yeah, and I think part of me has this sense of like, I wish I had someone like me at that point. I don't think I had enough of that, the support or even actively sought it out at the time to.

54:30
have that helping hand of someone to kind of say, Hey, I'm here to help.

54:37
The irony is you had yourself and you eventually did it and you kind of moved through that and found the strength when you were ready or when it was necessary for you and your journey to make those changes to become this version of you, which sounds like it's a lot lighter, it's a lot happier and just finding more purpose, probably more purposeful in what you do. And so...

55:06
I appreciate you coming on and sharing the vulnerability and sharing this, this tough moment in your life. I am impressed that you have made such a change from it. So just thank you for, for being a part of the life shift podcast. Well thank you, Matt. This has been a great conversation. I appreciate your questions and just your warmth in creating the space. Well, I appreciate you. This has been.

55:33
the thing that I didn't know that the eight-year-old version of me needed. And what a journey it's been for me and for that little kid that I've been pulling along this entire journey. And just so grateful that people are sharing their stories and other people have the ability to hear them and maybe resonate with something that you said today. And maybe it wasn't exactly the same story that they're going through, but something you said.

56:03
at that right moment made it in. Right? And so that's kind of why I do this, because you never know how someone's story is going to affect you. You don't have to be going through the same exact thing to connect with someone else. And so thanks again for being a part of this. Very grateful. And how can people find you, connect with you? I'll put what you gave me in the show notes, but what's the best way to just connect with you and just be a part of your world?

56:32
Absolutely. The best place to find me and to connect with me is through my website, inspiredpurposecoach.com. And there you can find out all types of information about me. The other place will be LinkedIn. I'm very active on LinkedIn and you can find some cool articles and kind of thought pieces there. LinkedIn. Going back to that performative piece, we'll see. I encourage people to connect with you. Check out your existing book, your future book.

57:01
all the things that come in between and see what you're offering to the world. I appreciate you and I appreciate you, those of you listening, and if you're enjoying the show, rate the show, five stars, reviews, those are good. I don't know what they do. I say this every time, I don't know what they actually do, besides make me feel really good in the moment, so maybe that's the performative side of me. But if you have a moment, apparently they do something. So with that, I will say goodbye until next week when we have a brand new episode of the Life Shift Podcast.

57:30
Thanks again, Tony.

57:42
For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com