Facing Life's Storms: Ending Generational Trauma | Christina Oyola

00:00
It finally got to the point where one of our fight tests, he chased me through the house and I tripped. I tripped and broke my clavicle here, or collarbone, but I never went to the ER. I left and went to my friend whose mom worked at the ER, so I never recorded it or anything. But that really woke me up to the fact that I had been being sexually assaulted by him. Like, a lot of things started clicking, and I was like, oh, like...

00:28
Like my son's never home because his grandmother's always taking him because of it. This is like all the stuff I was like, so. I started planning my exit. I was working 60 hours a week. I was making decent money and I stopped working and I went to like a minimum wage job. And I was working overnight just to avoid or not over it, but I was working evening. So I would I wouldn't see Michael at like most of the day or at all. The only way to get out is to be able to physically leave when.

00:58
So nobody knows when you're leaving. Today's guest is Christina Oyola. She's a woman whose life story is really nothing short of remarkable. Her journey is a testament to the human spirit's resilience and the impact of personal tragedy on our paths. Her story is really compounding challenges that seemingly never end. Throughout this whole conversation, I sat there wondering how someone could endure so much and still move forward with positivity.

01:25
Her journey shows us how even in our darkest moments, there's an opportunity for growth and learning and just a profound personal transformation. Her experiences underscore the importance of pushing forward, even when the road ahead seems insurmountable. We discuss the impact of generational trauma and the steps that Christina has taken to break the cycle, not only for herself, but for future generations. It's an important part of her story that many of you might find relatable and insightful. So when we...

01:54
Listen into this conversation, I invite you to listen with an open heart. Her story is a stark reminder of the unexpected turns life can take and the resilience we can find within ourselves to navigate them. We can find the light in the darkness, we can find hope in despair, and we can find the incredible strength it takes to turn our most challenging experiences into opportunities for growth and healing. I do wanna make a note that you will notice that we had a few audio issues. I tried to clean this up as much as possible, but there are some issues that

02:23
sound a little bit different than normal, but I hope you'll continue listening despite some of these audio inconsistencies. Before we jump into it, I want to thank Nic, Gale, and Sari for sponsoring one episode a month on the Patreon tier. I'm so grateful for your support. If you are interested in directly supporting the Life Shift Podcast, please head to Patreon.com/theLifeShiftPodcast and you can see all the information there and enter into the t-shirt giveaway. Now without further ado.

02:51
Let me introduce you to my friend, Christina Oyola.

02:56
I'm Matt Gilhooly, and this is the Life Shift, candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

03:16
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Life Shift Podcast. I am here with Christina. Hello, Christina. Hello, hello, hello. Thank you for being here and for reaching out and wanting to be on the Life Shift Podcast. As we're recording this, this is the week that I released my 100th episode. And I was telling you, it's just like, so crazy to have gotten to 100 episodes when sometimes it feels like I'm showing up for the first time. So I guess that's a good thing, but also like a weird thing.

03:46
Like we were talking, ironically, I listened to a couple of your podcasts, but I picked the one that was the most recent, and it was the 100th episode. And I wasn't even paying attention. I literally looked up, and you were trying to connect this to me. And I'm listening to your podcast, and you're waiting for me to be on your podcast. So it was nice to have that moment. I say this on a couple episodes, and we were talking about how important it is that not everyone listens to all the episodes. And it's important.

04:15
for me to share why the life shift exists. And when I was a kid, my mom was killed in an accident. And the life that we all had dreamed for us was never gonna be the same. And I didn't know too much about that, but I do know the 20 years after that and the grief journey that I took, and I totally failed grieving in what was maybe the appropriate way. And that whole time, I always felt

04:44
I felt this way. I knew logically I wasn't, but I always felt like I was the only one kind of experiencing that. And so when I had the opportunity to start this podcast and talk to people like yourself, the whole goal was thinking of that eight-year-old to 30-year-old Matt who felt alone in that circumstance. And what if people could share their story and others listening could go, oh, wow, my story is validated. My feelings are validated. I feel like...

05:12
there are other people out there that would understand my story. And maybe there is hope to move forward or move through or whatever that may be. And I think people that are going to hear your story, I think there's people out there that might feel very alone in a similar circumstance or something related to what you're going to talk about today. And so I'm just so appreciative when people like yourself want to be on the show and want to share your story and, and kind of spread the word about what your life was like and what you're doing now because of it. So.

05:42
Thank you again for just reaching out and wanting to be a part of this. No, thank you, Matt. It's been interesting sharing my story and it's been getting a little easier and easier. And like we were talking about, I was trying to really figure out what my, what my, you know, I keep saying pain points because I've done so much therapy I'm so used to my pain points, that, you know, the pivot point and it seemed like there was two.

06:07
So it was definitely interesting doing my own little internal research just to prepare for this conversation. I've had that comment before from guests saying, you know, like, this was interesting because, you know, sometimes we think of it as one thing, and then when we dive a little deeper, we're like, oh, wait a second, there's more than one. Or it was like,

06:31
a seemingly small moment if you just described it as like whatever it may be. And it even happened to me. And I led with the fact that my mom was killed in an accident, but technically, it wasn't really my pivotal moment because she was dead before I knew. And so my moment, if we really distill it down to something is when my dad had to like sit me down and tell me because before that my life was still the same and I didn't know. And so you're right. It's like this...

07:01
Should we all be so lucky to have this moment to reflect and to think about our journeys in this way and kind of dissect it? And for most of us, hopefully, especially you, if you've gone through therapy and you've done these things, there's almost like kind of like a pride of like what you've done since, this development since. And to pinpoint it down to that is always so interesting. So I'm glad that you found some value in your internal research that you were doing before we get on here.

07:30
No, I definitely and your story just it hit me a little harder than I thought. Like you know what I mean? Like I've heard you say it over and over again, but like my son is 18 now. And when I had to sit him down and tell him when he was 11, his dad had passed. You know what I mean? Like every time I listen to one of your podcasts, I'm like, I like that moment, like I remember it, but like it was like I was like floating. Like I didn't know how it was going to go. Like.

07:58
I mean, I knew that was the moment that was going to change my son's life forever. And I wanted to be like as easy as possible. You know what I mean? So I'm sorry that you had to share those words with your son and the words that you'd never, ever imagine saying. You know, when I talked to my dad about it, he's still, I mean, even to this point where

08:23
35 years later, he's like, those are still the hardest words that I've ever uttered in my life. And I think he will always be transported to that moment. And so I'm sorry that you had to also experience that. The power of our stories and helping others, like, I know you didn't know that you were the only person that ever had to do that. But to know how it affected me when my dad did it or how it affected him.

08:51
There's some kind of through line that we can do with this human connection that, it's like power podcasting. I just, I love it so much. My story is very complex. And for nine years, it was one trauma after another within a, every year. We experienced something traumatic every year for a very long period of time. And it was so many different things that like, you just, like I don't even know how I made it through.

09:17
It's helping me on my healing journey through a lot of my stuff because my son, you know, we're close in age in a sense. So I'm healing and he is healing at the same time, but we're understanding where all the trauma came from and like I'm doing what I wish my mom would have done. Yeah, that was my fault. I should have handled that better. Right. So, you know, there's a lot of ownership going on in our household right now. That's so...

09:46
You know, it's sad, but also so wonderful that you're able to do that, because I think there's so much generational trauma that happens in the world, and people just kind of absorb that. It becomes part of our DNA. We pass it along, and then it just like never ends, and here you are doing something to kind of end that. So, you know, we're talking around your story, so maybe we could just go into your story. I'll end with this, and then we'll go right into my story, because my company is called That Day Company.

10:16
And it's because someday I was going to own my own business and that day has finally come. And I'm on a mission to help all individuals on a journey to recovery from generational trauma with a main focus on disabled female veterans and youth. I am a disabled female veteran. So that is my goal. That's why that, you know, listening to your most recent podcast, there was a lot of things I was like, oh, this is perfect because that's exactly, I'm doing it and I'm physically seeing it through my son.

10:44
My pivot point is actually the moment where I kind of forgave my mom for, you know, all the horrible things that she did to me. You know, and so I'm going to line you up. So I, you know, I'm 38 years old right now. My son is 18. I was a teen mom, but my son is my second child. So I actually have a 21 year old who I've been estranged from since she was 13.

11:10
And then before that, that was only a short set of time I was in her life and I had to pay for my visits. It was intense. And then before that, I really didn't have her much, but she was taken away from me when I was, when she was three months old. You know, the beginning of this story is my mom treated me like a princess, like never said no to me, all this stuff had me terrified of so many things. But I was raised in a very domestic violence household with drug and alcohol abuse from, you know, my dad's in a fog.

11:39
My mom was addicted to pills and speed and mental health that was untreated. There was a lot of things. When I got into high school, I fell in love and I met a boy who came from, you know, million dollar homes back in 2000, you know, that, that's, you know, good, good, good background is, you know, something. So he wanted out of that lifestyle and I wanted out of my lifestyle. So, you know, the internet was very, you know, you couldn't Google things.

12:09
So you could only Google certain things. So we were able to concoct an idea to get pregnant because back then you could get emancipated and we could move to Kentucky or Tennessee, literally. When people are like, did you actually plan your pregnancy? I said, yes, yes, we did. We worked out because we could be emancipated and he had a pig event. Like it was gonna work, but it took a year to get pregnant.

12:36
So then we were like, oh, you know, reality kicked in. You're like, no, no, this is probably not the best idea at 15 years old. So then I wound up pregnant and avoided that for a little while, which ironically at the same time, my mom was trying to get me to go to the gynecologist for the first time. So I used the excuse that I was on my cycle. Then, you know, my mom's on drugs and mentally unstable. So she booked the appointment for the same exact week, the following month, just left the same excuse and she just forgot.

13:06
So I tried the third time and he was like, no, you know, I had to take a test and all that stuff. And, you know, me and Stephen, we went to, you know, Rite Aid and got a test and we, you know, I took it and it came back positive. We decided to tell his mom and she wanted me to have an abortion and, you know, set up an appointment and all this stuff. And we told her first because my mom had sustained multiple miscarriages at this point. And I remember

13:36
my mom as, you know, fun, loving, full of life, and when she had the light ripped out of her. And it was between fifth and sixth grade, and she lost the first child. And she takes that child many times. I think by the time I was pregnant, I think she had four miscarriages by then. She didn't have a job. She got a job because she needed to afford a baby that, you know, I was now carrying.

14:06
It was, I couldn't do anything. Like I wasn't allowed to eat what I wanted to do. If it was too sunny, she wouldn't let me go outside. I couldn't walk anywhere by myself. I, you know, couldn't pick anything out for my daughter. She set me up in these parenting classes and you got, you know, points for going and you could pick out like three items because we were very, very poor. We were a redneck poor. So sometimes we didn't have plumbing. Sometimes we didn't have like a toilet, you know.

14:34
It was just part of our norm. So your mom kind of like was trying to live through you or live through your pregnancy to control it and kind of because of what she lost before and kind of transferring that protection or whatever you might do as a pregnant woman onto you. Yeah, she had so much hate and resentment towards me because I was pregnant, one.

15:02
And she already, prior to that, already resented me for being born. And she had reminded me of that my entire life, leading to the octopus. So while she was fun loving and all this stuff, I was always reminded that she was having a miscarriage with me. To the point that, you know, I was 14 and 85. To the point that she actually went to the doctor because she was fighting or talked to him and he said for her to put her legs up. And she did.

15:29
And then the day I was born, my dad's love for her shifted. And he didn't, she felt that shift and she resented the fact that my dad loved me. So she was mad that I was alive. So now, you know, I've already stolen some love out of her life and now I stole the one thing she wants. Right, that she couldn't do. Yeah, you know, her body's failing her. She's, you know, all these things, you know, that is what I thought my pivot point was. I thought that that was...

15:58
where my life forever changed because it was one thing after another. I don't remember that year. I was institutionalized twice. My mom tried to kill me once. I had to call the police to let them know that she was unstable. There were just so many different things. My aunt took me in. I moved from South Jersey to South Philly. Different atmosphere, different people, all the things. I was like, all right.

16:28
So I thought that was my, okay, that's my life changed, but it isn't. I mean, it is a big one. I think it is an important one to acknowledge and to think about. And it's so sad to hear that story of how you were treated. And you had this dream with your boyfriend to escape and to, you know, and imagine if that had happened.

16:57
earlier and when it did and you could have done all those things and here you are just trying to bring a baby into the world and someone that brought you into the world just treating you in that way. I mean it kind of makes sense also like for any of us we wouldn't remember that year because I think our body's trying to protect us from remembering all those terrible things. So I'm sorry that you had to go through that and I do think it is certainly a pivot point in your life.

17:26
But like you pointed out, unfortunately, you had so much trauma and other moments that really brought you to this version of you. Because I'm sure that this one you just talked about created a different version of you, right? That kind of led you to find this version eventually. So my mom actually said that, I'm not gonna elaborate, because it's a lifetime movie nightmare is what happened. And even the delivery, like,

17:54
I didn't need to make any decisions. Like I didn't even name my daughter. Like my daughter's name is Hannah, but that's not the name I picked for her. Like even her birth book doesn't supposed to be a different name. I had nothing. Like she controlled the doctor when he broke my water. Like it was insane. So, you know, that happened. So then I was on maternity leave for high school, which, you know, I forgot all about until somebody had reminded me.

18:21
while I was going through this journey this last year because it all full circles. So my aunt wind up taking me in, I wound up going to GED school for three months at community college, and then we enrolled me in community college for just starter classes. And this was back in 2003. So I started my college journey in 2003, and I got pregnant again. So I had gotten sick and-

18:49
the education behind birth control and antibiotics was not very strong. So I found out in a McDonald's restroom that I was pregnant on our way to go see my mother, which then was absolutely terrifying because by then she had lost another baby. I knew like, I was like, we got it. This is gotta be like top secret. Like this is going to be like top non-secret. Like I, like, I don't want any, like I don't want it.

19:16
As soon as I got out of the car, she was like, how far along are you? And I was like, I was like, what makes you think she's like your nose? I was like, hmm, you're right. So I've been pregnant three times in my life and my mom could always tell by my nose, the way that my nose expanded. That's so interesting. Right. So that, you know, so I, so, you know, my mom find out, found out right away and all that stuff and you know, that was fine.

19:46
able to keep my mom out of things. I moved from South Jersey, moved to Northeast Philly with my son's father. I didn't realize I was trading one nightmare for another nightmare. So my son's father was living with his parents. He was, you know, a couple years, two years older than me, three years older than me. But I didn't realize that he was being so controlled by his mom that he became so possessive. So when we finally moved out, I finally got him convinced to move out and move

20:15
three blocks from his mom. So we got an apartment three blocks so she could see where our car was parked, when we were there, where we were gone, how long we were gone, how many miles, you know, all the things. And all his bank accounts were linked to her. So she had access to anything that we bought. So I did that for a little while, tried to fight custody for my daughter. And then it became violent on both ends. We both were violent towards each other, not physically hitting one another, but breaking each other's possessions, breaking the walls.

20:45
because of both of our generational trauma, which does not make it right. It saddens me to think back to that. It's tough because I picture this person that doesn't know how to funnel any of that energy, any of those emotions, because it was all stunted at home for you in the first place. And same thing for him, it's like you were walking on eggshells your whole life and here you are thinking.

21:14
I'm out. I've made it. You know, and then you've just kind of fall fall fall right back into something that feels Oh, yeah, terribly comfortable in a way, right? Because it's it's something you know, and you've experienced before and it's so hard to get out of. He had three cars, three cars, and I had to walk everywhere. I wasn't allowed to drive his car. When I finally bought a car, I wasn't allowed to drive it. I still had to be chaperoned by his mother or him.

21:42
It was intense. So it finally got to the point where one of our fight tests, he chased me through the house and I tripped. And we didn't have much money. So we had an old school pack and play with one of those hard shell corners. I tripped and broke my clavicle here, or collarbone.

22:08
but I never went to the ER. I left and went to my friend whose mom worked at the ER. So I never recorded it or anything. But that really woke me up to the fact that I had been being sexually assaulted by him. Like a lot of things started like clicking and I was like, oh, like my son's never home because his grandmother's always taken him because of all this stuff. I was like, so I started planning my exit.

22:34
I was working 60 hours a week, I was making decent money, and I stopped working. And I went to a minimum wage job, and I was working overnight just to avoid, or not overnight, but I was working evenings. So I wouldn't see Michael at most of the day, or at all. So I wound up going to my mom. I bought, I worked at a dealership, so they sent in the paperwork to get me a car. We pretended I did a bunch of babysitting, made all this money.

23:04
So I got a car, so I was able to be mobile. So I was able to try to find a way out. Because the only way to get out is to be able to physically leave when nobody knows when you're leaving. I took a job that I couldn't even form my car payment like it, but I knew it was temporary and I just physically needed somebody to get me a car so I could drive everywhere. So I went home. And this is the second point where I thought it was my pivot point. So I went home and I remember asking my mom.

23:35
if I could come home. And I told her, you know, this is back in 07, so you don't really talk about mental health too much. I know what's going on in my parents' house, so I kind of like skimmed through things, hoping that she would read between the lines, and she said, no. She said, you made your bed, you can lie in it. Like, go fix it. Like, this is your problem, this is the life you chose.

24:02
And I thought that that moment, like that was up until this year, that was the moment that changed my life forever. Like I went from understanding that my mom was mentally unstable, addicted to drugs, anger issues, violent, tried to kill me, all the things. Like I understood it until that day. And I stopped having, my empathy for her started depleting from that moment. I mean, it was almost like...

24:30
validation of all the things that she did though, in a way. I feel like it's like, I think when we love someone or we feel like we love someone, we can justify, I don't know if that's the right word, but we feel like, okay, well, that is because so-and-so is going through this or this is happening. And then it was like, at this moment, your mom kind of proved with words, like, no, I don't like you.

25:00
essentially, like, I'm not gonna help you. Yeah, you're not worth it. It's like, no, you can't, you can't go home, like, you go home. Like, if I have to live like this, you have to live like that. And that's how I felt, like... So it was like a punishment. Do you think it was more that she wanted to see you hurt, or the fact that she didn't care? Hurt. So my mom was a very vindictive woman towards me. She literally would lie to get my kids to...

25:28
be taken from me. Like she was very vindictive because again, she resented me. And I just more and more as my life went on, she just more and more things I did that more she resented me. And you escaped from her once. So she's like, well, no, you know, you've already made me look bad by escaping from me. So I can't let you come back and mend all bridges and love. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

25:54
to be told where you thought. I mean, and that was probably hard for you to ask to go back, right? Like, it's not like, I can't wait to go back home. Oh my gosh. It was just your safety. I don't even know if it was safe, but it was like, what you felt was the next safe, right? Yeah, you know what I mean? I knew it would be a temporary. I knew I would figure out something. And the only, you know, and I lived with my aunt and my uncle in South Philly, and my aunt was in the army reserve. And I always, my mom raised me to be a person of a gift.

26:24
I mean, sacrifice your holidays to serve somebody else. Like always give your last dollar. That, you know, my mom took a lot from me, but before she lost that first child, she was a wildly crazy, less experienced life as best as we can in, you know, in ways that we can afford it as being people that don't have money. So.

26:53
I have a lot of life experiences that others don't have because of my mom. So she gave me a lot of things just as much as she took things. You know, it's hard because she's your mom, but at the same time, I watch her love my little brother unconditionally and he can do absolutely nothing wrong. And when something goes wrong in his life, it was my fault. Like, how is being failing cool my fault? Like I don't know.

27:22
Like, I don't understand, like, so. But I think it's also natural, too, to remember those good times and hold onto them so tight, because we think that that person is still there, or we see those other things. And it's like, if only we could get back to that. And, you know, that takes me to the next point. So within a month, I had reached out to a recruiter. And I had, I wanted to go into Marines, because that's where my brother was getting ready to leave. He, you know, he was.

27:52
left right out of high school, were four years apart, he's younger than me. And a lot of his friends went, so I was like, at least I'll have family or we can try to be together. Well, because I dropped out of high school and got my GED, the Marines wouldn't take you back then. So, then you just try the Air Force, I wasn't smart enough for the Air Force. And then the Navy, I don't like water. So I'm not going to Navy and Coast Guard, obviously, it's another water thing. So I went to the Army.

28:19
but I couldn't go after duty at the time because I was considered a single mom, because I had custody of two different children, well, two of my children, and, you know, with two different fathers or whatever, and in lieu of sorts. So I had to go and sign my rights away from both of my kids. So I had been fighting for my rights to see my daughter, and at this point, in order to save my son and to save me, I had to give up my daughter.

28:48
that I was barely even having a relationship with. Which, again, you know what I mean? You have to pick the less of evils when you have so many traumas going on. At once you gotta pick which one's, you know, less worse. Because if I would have stayed, you know, she would be exposed to that. They just, so that happened. So I knew doing that was, I was gonna lose all the power as a mom.

29:14
in any capacity, I knew how much control Michelle took of her son, and I had to give her some of my son's legal custody in court paper. So I legally gave the woman that I knew, I mean my mom was crazy over here, and then I had this lady that was the only person I could leave my son with, the only person that was willing to help me get out of that situation, even though I knew she was doing it for the wrong reason.

29:44
Yeah, you gave up. I mean, you were trying to save yourself. And I think you make a good point. It's like, how do you choose? And if you want to eventually be able to show up, you kind of have to put yourself first. And I think probably a lot of reflection and therapy and things kind of help you through those moments, but for no one is it an easy choice to do that. But there was still hope. So at that time.

30:12
All I had to do was six months in the military. Then I could come back, go from reserve, and go active duty. I just needed to make it to training. How hard is that? You know, not that hard. You know, I felt that this was my ticket. I was gonna win. All I had to do is get to the physical training. So I was like, all right, and then I could be free. I could have housing. I could have them help me fight for my kids. You know what I mean, it wouldn't all happen so quickly, but I would have.

30:40
I'd have food, I'd have something. It was a plan. Yeah, it was a plan. So I went basic training within a month. I left for basic training and within two weeks I wound up hurt. So I fell about 16 feet off of a cargo net onto my right side. And I was an all-star soccer player. I was on two teams. I even went nine months pregnant to my practice.

31:08
because my daughter was born in late August because if I was at my practices physically I could start as soon as she came out but she was two weeks late and I lost the whole thing so I'm a very competitive person when it comes to that so I don't remember the obstacle at all I know I finished in the top 10 because I asked I just remember going up and then my drill sergeant my boots getting stuck my drill sergeant asked me if I was okay yep and then a tunnel

31:38
And then I remember seeing people and asking if there was like, how many people have finished. So then I went on, you know, I was in pain, obviously. I fell, but it's basic training, terrifying. So you fell and completed it, but you don't remember completing it because of the fall. My brain is so used to trauma that it just blocks things. It just auto-defaults. And I was so terrified. At this point, nobody tells you about a hold under.

32:08
in basic training. You hear about like holdovers and things like that, kind of before you go in, but nobody tells you that you can go to basic training, get hurt and be stuck there till you're healed, then go back through training and continue on. And you didn't want that. That was not part of the plan. So you needed to push through. I was like, listen, I got this. This is okay. We got this. So I went to sick call, you know.

32:37
Everything was fine. I was doing all right. I wound up with a hundred and two fever They had to put me in the sick home building and everything for 24 hours And then again, they were like, all right, if you're not better within a certain amount of time You're gonna we have to recycle you and I was like, mm-hmm So I got better literally just fighting everything cuz I I needed to get home to my son The more I was away the more time was going and the harder it'll be So I chuck it along

33:06
So then we're like halfway through basic training and we go and I'm fully loaded in all my gear and I jump out of a five-ton, which is like a big, big truck, not like a, like a box truck, but like a little bit bigger, like a little wider, but height-wise. I jumped out of that fully loaded and right on the ground, my leg just gave out. So weeks had gone by. So by the time, you know, I went and got seen.

33:34
They did scans of my right hip, my right knee, my right foot. I forgot to see it. Nobody appeared. Right, right. I wound up with a line of duty. I have a line of duty from basic training. And I, in order to graduate, I was on crutches. I had to do a 10 mile rock with this situation going on. Lots of eye droppings and tremors. What's a line of duty? So basically I got hurt in the line of duty.

34:01
Okay, so yeah, it qualifies you for certain like benefits and things like that. So if I was, you know, in theater, and I got hurt in theater, it's yeah, you get a couple hearts for that stuff. But so here I am trying to graduate basic training. So then they're like, all right, well, you have to get off the crushes, you're not allowed to walk in graduation on pressure. I was like, well, I can't put any pressure on my head, because I had stress.

34:30
all the way down my leg. So, you know, marching, all the things and carrying stuff. So the doctor said, I will pass you. All you have to do is put the crutches to the side and jump on your right leg three times. He said, you can scream as loud as you want. You can curse as much as you want. And you can punch the air. But

35:00
I am not going to let you graduate basic training unless you jump on your foot three times. That seems so bad. You know? It seems like a really terrible decision when you have a stress factor. Yeah, that just sounds not great, but you did it. So I did it, and it hurt. And then I ran out of time because I had to wait so long that I had to run across two fields.

35:24
to make it to the exit class. So I just jumped on it twice and then had to run across two fields, made it, did graduation, everything's good, came back, life was lots of pain, came home homeless. Because I went to AIT and they told me that I couldn't go active duty, that I no longer qualified for active duty because of the LNG. So I came home to live in the car. Your plan was, you thought...

35:52
by doing all these things, getting through, getting to graduation, your plan was still on track. Yet here you are, another pivotal moment where people are like, that plan, goodbye. You can't have that plan anymore. Despite the fact that you pushed through, we made you do things that are questionable. And now you're once again being punished with homelessness or no place to live.

36:21
And no kids. No family. So I picked up my car and then within two days I moved in with this guy who ironically went to school with my daughter's father and me. But he was a grade younger so I didn't know him but he actually went to house parties that were underage drinking with my daughter roaming around. So that was interesting to learn about some things and the choices that I made and you know the life thing. So I moved in with him.

36:51
because I had a car and a driver's license. And he had too many points on his driver's license and he moved from Arizona back. So he needed somebody to drive him to places and I needed somewhere to live. So we became friends that lived together. And we switched services and all that stuff and then we wound up dating and whatnot. And that lasted like nine months. And that was in 09. And then in 2000, by then I had tried to go back.

37:21
So I had signed up to go to LPN school. So I was gonna be a licensed practitioner nurse. I tried before just for school, got pregnant, didn't work. Now I'm in the LPN school, but couldn't figure out why nothing made sense even though this stuff made sense prior to. Before. So I did the first semester and I flunked out because everything didn't make sense because medical words are so similar together.

37:47
Then me and him break up and everything. I wound up back home. My dad said, well, you can either work full time and contribute to the house or be in school, you know, you have to be in school or working or whatnot. So then I was like, all right, I'm going to go to cosmetology school. I always wanted to do cosmetology. So I enrolled in cosmetology school and my grandfather lost his first leg from diabetes. And I got in a disagreement with my principal lady and she was a Keith Not immediate family. I was like, well, they just

38:17
and they were amputating from the ankle down. Now they're doing from the knee down, you know, below the knee down. By the time I got there, it was from the, he wound up all the way up to his groin. The leg, wound up being dead. So I wound up losing hair school and whatnot. So then my dad's agreement, I'd be in school or work. So I was like, I don't wanna work. Like, no, I'm not gonna go to school.

38:43
Even though it's not working for me, I'd rather keep trying. So I enrolled in a law enforcement school. I don't even remember what college, it was online. I was doing police work because I wanted to be a New Jersey State Trooper. But I needed, because I had my GED, I needed two years of college degrees or certain amount of active GED. So I was like, well, that's not a plan that's gonna work. I gotta navigate. So then my dad came to me and my dad, I remember him coming in my room and he was like,

39:13
So grandmoms let me know that she's not doing well. Pop pops. At this point, my grandfather was in rehab and had a second life-threatening failure. And it was in a year. He was on dialysis twice, you know, three times a week. He definitely should not have been alive. But he was just struggling along. So my grandma found out she had breast cancer. And because I was the floppy one that, you know, I'm inconsistent in her life, my dad was like, can you? And at this point, my car was reposed. I have no car, so.

39:42
I had to use her car. So again, I'm like, all right, at least I'm getting out of my parents' house and I'm going to help my grandparents, which I didn't know was another nightmare. Nine months, wound up there, helped my grandma and everything. I filed for my own bankruptcy. I got everything wiped off. I didn't pay any fees. And then I finally enrolled in another college. And I actually got college credit. I was getting aging fees. I was in University of Phoenix for business and admin. Things were looking up. Things were doing really well.

40:12
Then my grandma stopped saying I could go out in the evening. And then she stopped letting me go out during the day. And then she would tell the miles on her car every time she would ask me to run to the store. And then I wasn't allowed to sleep in and I wasn't allowed to take a nap and I wasn't allowed to eat. So I was like, oh, okay. So I started planning my escape from her because I didn't know how I was, you know, I didn't know how I was going to get out of this. Because that's...

40:41
At this point, I wasn't allowed out on the weekend. My parents live 9.2 miles away, and I had started mapping out how to be able to get to them, to just be able to go somewhere, because I wasn't going to drive the car. So my grandfather passed on 4th of July, and I didn't even know he was dead when I walked in. So I had dropped my grandma off. My grandma finally decided to go do something without my papa on 4th of July, 2007. Dropped her off, got home.

41:11
I saw the ambulance down the way that comes and picks him up for dialysis and all that stuff and everything and blah blah blah blah. Everything's fine, walk in, you see him taking his breath, whatever, picks him up at lunch, he always sits backwards because he doesn't have legs so it helps with the elevation and all that stuff. And then I was like, hop up! So I walked over and I realized that he was not breathing and that he had took his last breath and that it wasn't a conversation. So then my grandma started becoming...

41:41
hit crazy and that I was stealing from her. But it just became so erratic because she never had a little girl and she always wanted one. So again, just trading trauma for trauma. So I wound up out and then I wound up back home. Loss is a crazy thing and it can force so many people to do things that they can't imagine. And I mean, you lost so much throughout your life that you've described. And it's like, I keep...

42:10
wondering at what point does life stop throwing things in front of you to trip on or to push you in another direction. Because when we got on the call, you seemed happy and you seemed like things are good and you talked about your company. And I just can't imagine facing all of these things and becoming that person. And I know you're gonna tell us kind of like what that final shift was, but like.

42:41
Like at what point does it stop? And I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. It's part of my story. So that was 2010. So in 2010, I also sustained a sexual trauma from a military colleague. So I have a military sexual trauma. My parents let me come back home. So I was home for a little bit and trying to navigate that. I wound up getting a job in 2012.

43:09
working at Deacon Watson and I met this manager, you know, he was above me, he was my shift supervisor, we've been together for 11 years now. He was kind, he gave me the $100 I needed to get my first real apartment because I had called him on July 14th, 2012. When my parents, as an adult, you know certain things and you know when things are gonna escalate to a point where it's gonna be violent and it could be violent for you.

43:37
So my parents had gotten into a fight so bad that the three China cabinets in the living room, I had to climb physically over them. Like it was very, very bad. And I, the police knew my parents, like I felt for sure one of them was gonna kill the other one, but I didn't wanna be there for it. So back then that, you know, you can't really tax, it was 2012, so I had to try to drive in this ray and all that, so I had reached out to him the Friday night.

44:06
He had just gotten tiny with his sister and getting ready to watch a movie. And he met up with me and, you know, we went and saw a magic mic, which is now our thing. So we've seen all the magic mics in theater. Then they're all like, it's a whole thing now. Cause that was like the, you know, the, the, our pivotal point of where like our, our real relationship started. So then, you know, we started talking as friends and then it developed more, but he gave me the a hundred dollars to get that apartment. And then he showed up the day I moved in because.

44:36
My mom's so kind. She, I had a two-door car, and I was allowed to only take what fit in the car. And I was not allowed to take anything like my bed or my dresser that I had possessed myself and purchased because I owed her for taking care of me as a child. So, and they were in her house, so they were her possessions. So I was able to take whatever fit into my little two-car truck. So Matt showed up with a case of water, paper towels, cold paper, and cleaning products.

45:05
and a hug and I just was like, that's when I knew like I love him. So our relationship was not easy. Within a year I became chronically ill and then for five years after that I wound up being homeless, moving, child custody battles, all different things, countless things. And then another tragic thing happened. So we...

45:30
I was fighting for my, I stopped working here at 30. I, you know, my parents were helping us pay the bills. We were barely able to stay in this one apartment. And then I had my son for my two weeks out of the year because he lived primarily with his dad because I was unstable living life and it made sense for him. So we were fighting a custody battle. We had to go for a neuropsychiatry, our psych eval through the court. And I went for mine on, you know, August 16.

45:58
2017 and I went to the courthouse and I did my thing and I came back and I took the train and all the things and I came back and then my mom called. And my mom's always a hurricane. And she called and she's like, why didn't you fucking tell me Mike died? And I was like, I don't even know who you're talking about. And she starts ranting about how Mike died and all this stuff. And I was like, I have no, who is Mike? Who is Mike? She was like, Ethan's dad.

46:27
I was like, I think I would know if my son's father had passed away. I think somebody would have called me by now. She's like, it's all over the news. Oh, God. He died in a house fire. I was like, so my son is literally sitting in the living room and I'm trying to Google.

46:48
because my mom found out because my younger brother worked with my son's aunt's father-in-law who got the call because my son's other uncle is a firefighter that was fighting the fire. So my mom knew from a chain of series of events that I was never informed. So my mom, I found out that my son's father, a person I, you know, I loved at one point but we did not have a good relationship.

47:14
Everybody's life was about to change. My son didn't even live with me full time and I had stable housing. And now I have to tell my son, he's gonna be even more unstable. We wound up shifting and all that stuff and then within six months, my mom.

47:29
It doesn't stop. No, so she took her life and then within three months, so her funeral, nobody had money, but I had come into Ethan's little bit of money, so we bought a modular home. We finally weren't homeless. We weren't living in anything we finally stable. And then nobody had money for my funeral, but I have just enough money in the bank account to the point where I put in even for the last day at the hotel that me and my son were living in, waiting for the house to be delivered because I paid.

47:59
because I felt so guilty for feeling so happy when my dad finally called and told me she was dead and that she finally took her life. And that every two and a half years that my family knew that she tried every two and a half years and that I didn't know how bad it was until I started going on this last seven year journey. But you know what I mean? I was so happy. I got her a pink cat.

48:29
I put her name on it, all the things. So... That's a complex, that's a complex feeling. And I don't think you're alone in that. I think that there's a lot of people that have experienced it's like, I know I'm supposed to feel this way, but I don't because there was probably a sense of like your freedom in a way of that constant pain and rejection and hurt that...

48:57
she provided to you for all those years. And I can understand how complex that probably felt. And maybe that maybe paying for the funeral and stuff was a little bit of a bandaid to like help you feel better about how you were feeling, but I think it's a normal human reaction and the way that you felt. So I hope there's no residual shame in that. You know what I mean? The grief process is weird. It's just a weird thing.

49:23
So within a year of that, my boyfriend, we've been together 11 years, my mom's favorite day of the year was the first day, September 17th. So the day before we went to my boyfriend's birthday dinner. It's our day September 15th and my mom's is September 16th. So, September 16th is the day that we had dinner. So we showed up. He went to the church with his mom early in the morning, stole her, had a great conversation, skipped out on going to brunch, which he will forever regret.

49:51
We showed up to dinner and she was in the shower, which was unusual. We were chit-chatting and about an hour went by and his brother went to check on her. Long story short, she died of a brain aneurysm within four hours. And we watched her drive. We watched the EMTs instead of putting her on a gurney, gray. Me and my son watched them drive her out of the house. Oh, and we took in my grandmom with dementia. So three months after my mom passed away, we took in my grandmom with dementia, who thought I was my mom.

50:18
So now I learned all about my mom's from a different perspective. So, you know what I mean? So now our house completely shut down. Everybody's grieving and nobody likes anybody. So I actually live in a separate house with my family because this is the house I bought for my grandmom because my VA disability came through. So within the time period of six months. So I was able to buy this house for my grandma to come live with us and take care of her. So my son and my boyfriend live next door and I actually live over here with my cat.

50:48
You know, going through all the things, fast forward, we're speeding up the story, all the other stuff. There's a lot of things, it'll take us forever. So now here we are, the pandemic happens and I am in a lot of chronic pain and I have fibromyalgia, I'm diagnosed. I have been discharged from the military, not medically, all the things. So I've been living with chronic pain for so long and I've gained so much weight and all the things. And I was in Marlton, New Jersey and I pulled in a parking lot. I was like, I called the VA, I was like, I really can't take this anymore.

51:17
They're like, well, go to the ER. I said, all right. But I knew what was gonna happen. They always just, nah, you have fibromyalgia. It's just a flare. So I fought tooth and nail and they did a tap scan of my pelvis. And it lit up like a Christmas tree. I walked out of there with five chronic conditions. And then I was supposed to have my hysterectomy. That was in January. I was supposed to have it in March. The pandemic hit in March. So I was supposed to have it in April, April, May timeframe.

51:47
So it got pushed back. I wound up having a vein embolism because it got to the point where I couldn't even bend over without throwing up in my own mouth. I was throwing up randomly because the congestion was so bad from one of the conditions. Round up with the hysterectomy three years ago. So it took about a year for the pain to level out. Need to start feeling normal, losing weight, getting my life back because they had gotten really bad. And then all of a sudden it was like I had dementia.

52:15
I put function in the openings. I didn't know how I got places. Time, space, everything. Bruises, bumping in, everything was messed up. So I was in physical therapy because after hysterectomy and all that, I had a lot of other things. So my doctor had asked me if I had ever hit my head and I was like, no. Well, I think I would remember if I hit my head. I said I was in a car accident. I said, but I was leaning forward and it was my shoulders I got messed up. I said, but I didn't rattle maybe, but not.

52:44
his and he was I was like but I did fall 16 feet off of a carpet and that and he looked at me like I was the dumbest thing in the whole world and he was like you don't think you hit your head I was like well now that you say it and this was in 2021 and I was like and I fell in 07 I was like now that you say it maybe he's because I'm trying to explain all my symptoms he's like so you have a

53:13
So he sent me to polytrauma. Fast forward, it took another year, but I went to polytrauma, went through neuropsych eval, I have hearing aids now, I have all the things. 2022, I finally got my results because a lot of things got misplaced with the pandemic and everything. So it turns out I have five impairments, 10 weaknesses, audio and visual processing disorder, and severe dyslexia on top of my mental health and my chronic illnesses. So.

53:42
It's very hard to function sometimes. I think even if you didn't have those particular things, the things that you've experienced are things that maybe one of them other people experience. And you just had a Lego house of just stacking and stacking and stacking. I mean, I'm sure the fall had a lot to do with the things that you're facing now.

54:08
But do you look back through therapy and reflecting and stuff, and do you think that so many of these experiences were just like embedded physically in your body that led to some of these things? Or is that like not, or do you think it's just the fall because? So I believe both. So I believe the body does hold the trauma. And I've been physically abused, I've been mentally abused. There's been a lot. And that's what I learned this past year is that the body does.

54:38
holes, the trauma. I started healing last year to the point where it got so bad that I constantly ended up taking my life. I started planning it. I took the route to start practicing it so that trying to drive off something and get the right speed is, you have to coordinate. So I wound up checking myself into an eight-week program last year. Good for you. I wound up checking myself. I checked myself out six days later.

55:06
And a week later, the other lady checked herself out. That place was not safe. They took every bit of my safety away. They gave us key thoughts that we could lock our bedroom doors, we could sleep, and nobody could enter our room. But the night nurse didn't like the beeping, so she would prop the door open and expect us to be able to sleep with the people that are missing, you know, everyone. So it wound up being really unhealthy for me, so I left. And I had already been re-enrolled, I was already enrolled.

55:35
to leave for Chicago in January, which was this year. But I started having health issues and I wound up having a really bad migraine episode on Christmas day, which took my ability to see color and look at screens. And then went back to my doctors. I was like, listen guys, something's going on. They were like, no, no, you're fine. I was like, I'm going on a plane. The pressure, all that stuff. They're like, no, no, you're fine. I was like, all right. So I got on the plane and within a couple of days.

56:02
I started having seizure-like, stroke-like symptoms. Within 24 hours of that, I had what felt like giving birth in my brain. And then within 24 hours of that, I was in the ER. I had collapsed three times. They did a head CT and forgot about me. Well, they didn't do the head CT. They forgot about me for seven hours in the ER. So my scans came in late, my water, my hydration, all that.

56:29
She said, you have to go see your neuro. I'm only gonna release you because you have a neuro appointment in two weeks. Blah, blah, you have your primary when you get home. I was like, I'll be fine, blah, blah, blah. Here, I couldn't even function my left side of my body. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm not getting stuck in Chicago. So I went to Detroit for the weekend because I had bought a train ticket because I'm spontaneous, I'm in treatment. But you know, this girl that I just met when we were in military sexual trauma outpatient program, we get the weekend off. So she was like, I'm going to Detroit. I was like, I got money. She was like, all right.

56:58
Sick as a dog, she literally had to like see iDog me everywhere. On the train back, I looked up my medical record and it showed that I had periventsial white matter changes, which if you Google it is vascular dementia, which would explain why the last year had been so hard. I had been, I am now officially, I lost 55 pounds. I am considered incognito on both ends. A lot of my health stuff declined, but because my mental health was so bad.

57:27
I didn't realize how bad my physical health had gotten. And then I moved out of my house last July. And now I live in this house and I have to stall the doors open. I can't have to overlight. Like I learned how to function in a world that doesn't function for me. My doctors weren't listening to me. So I thought I wasn't gonna make it. They were talking about Parkinson's. I was looking at heart failure. I had a heart monitor on a couple of times. They figured out what was going on.

57:54
So my body was literally like shutting down and giving up as I'm trying to heal. And it's like, no. And I'm like, yes. And then the moment happened. So my pivot moment, here I am. This year, I'm going through my healing journey. This journal, the day my mom took her life, I took two books from, my mom used to journal like, so she wrote everything. I don't remember anything. She had tons of journals. So I took this random one.

58:23
And I've looked through it dozens of times. And it's been seven years, almost seven years since she passed. And I've tallied this thing. I've looked for clues on his healing journey. And then I stumbled this year. I opened up and stumbled across this, which forever changed how I felt about my mom and my healing journey. So June 21st, while Chrissy has left Mike, she wants to move in. She is going hyper manic again.

58:55
So I was misdiagnosed as being bipolar. And my mom, when I came home and asked her if I could come home because I was being abused and it wasn't safe for me and my family, she thought I was having a manic episode and was being dramatic. So the moment I stopped having empathy for my mom led to the moment where I was grateful she took her life.

59:22
which led me to the moment of generational trauma and a miscommunication.

59:29
Which leads you to why you do what you do now. Yeah, because that someday I was gonna own my own business. My family, my dad's side is entrepreneurs. My dad painted a family dream and all this stuff and I always knew I was meant for something. And you know, that day has come. And now that day company is on a mission to help all individuals on a journey to recovery from generational trauma with a main focus on female best.

59:58
Thank you.

01:00:01
Isn't it fascinating that a sentence, that you read it at the right moment in your healing journey, at the right time, had the wherewithal to think back and reflect on that moment and how you felt in that moment, how you felt because of that moment. And now that one sentence has triggered like this shift in you, that maybe if you had read it five years ago, it would not have done the same thing. No.

01:00:30
Isn't it fascinating to think that we can see something like that in a totally different way, even if we had seen it a million times before? Didn't you say you read that book a few times? So many times. Because the other one that I have, which is funny because I'm linked up with a lady in London and she created my book cover. So now I'm like actually writing my story. And the first set of books is my story and then it could be my mom's story through her journals and herself.

01:00:58
but I actually have her calendar little book from her senior year of high school when she found out she was pregnant with my brother. And I also, after I found this gem before my daughter's 21st birthday, because we don't communicate, but we have a connection on Instagram. So I tried to send her something in words or whatnot. So I was trying to figure out what I was gonna send her this year. And lo and behold, I don't remember her birth. There was a little...

01:01:28
like white folded multiple pieces of paper from like a little notebook that was ripped out. My mom had written down my daughter's entire work story, the number on the hospital door, like my heart rate, when, all the things. So my mom is helping me heal through my trauma with her trauma, you know, it's, and my grand, like, it's just amazing how much this is gonna. Yeah, it's fascinating that your,

01:01:57
able to do that after so much trauma because I think and you were at one point ready to give up because it was just too much and it probably still is too much but now you have the wherewithal and the tools to kind of process and forgive yourself forgive the people around maybe not forgive but you know maybe it is forgive I don't know however you feel about some of them but

01:02:22
Well, it's more or less, you know, my grandma was abandoned by her mom and grew up in an army orphanage. And then she did the best that she could. She had a good job. She got a state pension. And then my mom, you know, with a housewife, like, you know, they all tried to do different things. And my mom, unfortunately, just she didn't, she couldn't hold on long enough, but she gave me all the tools I need to keep going. And I think that was, that was, you know, part of the wake up call is like, this, this, you're supposed to feel this because you didn't feel it.

01:02:52
before, that you weren't allowed to. I love that you have this awareness now and you have this ability to look back on these moments as hard as they were and try to find what you can pull from that to make your life better now, but also make the lives of the people that you work with better through the services that you can provide. Typically, I kind of end these conversations with a question about what you would say to yourself.

01:03:22
But I wouldn't know which one to go to. There's so many versions of you that have gone through so many of these things. And I'm wondering if, because you probably interact with people that have experiences like your own, if someone is seeing these traumas stacked upon stacked upon stacked, what could you say to them? What would you want to say to them that might help them get to where you are?

01:03:49
because I think that's a big thing. I think you just feel so hopeless in some of those moments. Is there something that you could say knowing what you know? Yes, so going back to Simon Simmons, find your reason why. There's always a reason why something happened. It might not be your why or directly affecting you, but there's some reason that that happened. And to just look at the why and try to find the lesson in it because-

01:04:18
You know, whatever you believe in and I believe in believing, you know, it It happens for a reason. It's just figuring out what it is and then taking it And you know sitting with it Do you think that at any point in your journey if someone told you or gave you that? Idea, do you think you would have been able to?

01:04:43
I've been in therapy since I was 17 years old. So I've been told all the things, but it wasn't until this past year and a half where I actually started healing and sitting with it and actually just crying for five minutes instead of trying to hold it in and then it bottling up and turning into this huge thing. No, I think it's important. I think that's so necessary that you're telling your story.

01:05:13
One, because it's probably helping you heal. But two, other people listening to this that may have had little pieces of this that kind of just brushed them under the rug, that just kind of like, we're like, well, that was life. That was the way it happened. Maybe now we'll hear this and go, oh, you know, like there's an opportunity to process this in a healthy way instead of, you know, pushing it away. And so I think that's such the power of storytelling and as terrible and as.

01:05:40
as horrible the events that you went through, and you wouldn't wish that on anyone, but to hear it come from your mouth and to hear where you are and what you're doing with it is what's so inspiring to me. So thank you for going through that journey. Again, I know a lot of it was hard to share, so thank you for that. No, thank you for having me. Like I said, I think I got more out of this than anything, because I am writing my book, so doing a little bit of diving, actually knowing where to like.

01:06:10
within it actually helped me figure out my chapters. So thank you. Awesome, you're welcome for that. If people want to learn more about you or connect with you in a personal way or in your company, what is the best way to kind of get into your sphere of influence? So I'm pretty much on every platform, but Twitter. So you can either look for me under my name as Christina O'Yola, but most things are that day company as my...

01:06:39
my coffee company because I'm a one stop shop, so it's easier. Awesome. We will put those links and whatnot into the show notes so anyone listening can easily click and connect with you. I would say, I'm sure Christina would welcome any kind of conversation, even if you're facing something and you just need someone to listen. I think she probably wanted people to listen at certain points in her life, but it's a little bit before texting and those kinds of things and social media.

01:07:08
Yeah, just connect with us and share your story. I think it's so important. And I'd venture to say that nobody's really alone in these journeys if we can continue sharing these stories. So I know it's a little bit longer of an episode, but thank you guys for listening and connect with Christina. Thank you, Christina, for being a part of this once again. Thank you. Thank you, Matt. If you're listening and something that Christina said resonated with you, let us know, but also share this episode with someone that you think might.

01:07:36
need to hear this story and might be on their healing journey as well. And with that, I'm going to say goodbye until next week when we have a brand new episode of the LifeShift Podcast.