Building Confidence and Finding Fulfillment | Bernie Borges

00:00:03:18 - 00:00:31:23
Matt Gilhooly
Hello my friends. Welcome to the Live Shift podcast. I am here with a recent connection. Bernie. Hi, Bernie. I met I recently had the pleasure of being on Bernie's podcast, The Midlife Fulfilled Podcast, and that came out in December of 2022. And it's always interesting to go back and listen to what we recorded because as Bernie knows, most of us podcasters work a little bit ahead of time just for our own sanity sake.

00:00:31:23 - 00:00:32:17
Matt Gilhooly
Would you say so?

00:00:33:21 - 00:00:39:12
Bernie Borges
Oh, absolutely, yeah. So we're recording this in December and I've recorded through the end of February.

00:00:40:14 - 00:01:04:03
Matt Gilhooly
I'm about the same. So when you're listening to this, we re we recorded this way last year, so we're so last year when we recorded this. But Bernie was generous enough to say that he wanted to join the Life Ship podcast and, and talk about a pivotal moment that kind of he created in his life and and something that probably helped define the rest of your life.

00:01:04:03 - 00:01:27:01
Matt Gilhooly
Once you realize, you know, that this was the moment and I don't want to give it away yet, I don't want to give that secret away. But I wonder, before we talk about it, were when you when we talked about my show on your show, did that cause you to start kind of diving deep into your life and start thinking about was there a moment in my life?

00:01:27:12 - 00:01:50:11
Bernie Borges
Yeah. So as we were discussing, actually before we started recording, Matt, the the big takeaway for me after we did the recording and then my process is I go in and I listen to it intently and I ask myself, Okay, what's my big takeaway here? What's my big lesson? And the big takeaway for me was this concept of self-discovery.

00:01:51:02 - 00:02:13:21
Bernie Borges
And what I concluded, because I'm a little bit older than you, right? I'm in my sixties. Specifically, I'm 65. And by the way, I lean into that. I'm age. I have age pride, not age shame. But I think back on, you know, the decades, the seasons I've been through and when I listen to your story on the midlife AFL podcast, the concept I took away from that was self-discovery.

00:02:13:21 - 00:02:31:16
Bernie Borges
And I realized that I've actually been through self-discovery every multiple times. And look, I don't think that I'm unique in any way, shape or form. If I've been through self-discovery many times, I think probably millions of other people have also been through a self-discovery journey multiple times in their life as well.

00:02:32:18 - 00:02:54:09
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah, I mean, and that's to credit you. That's a lot of what your conversations are on your podcast is that, you know, midlife isn't necessarily midlife, right? You have many different seasons that you're kind of transforming. And mine took me a certain amount of time to get to where I feel the most fulfilled that I've ever felt in my entire life.

00:02:54:15 - 00:03:17:00
Matt Gilhooly
And as you mentioned, we were talking a little bit before the recording, and I found that sometimes when people listen to these episodes, they're like, Oh, I should start thinking about my life and kind of discovering those moments because maybe we don't realize them at the time when they're happening. And then we look back and we're like, Oh, I did that for myself, or I created that world for myself.

00:03:17:05 - 00:03:33:00
Matt Gilhooly
So I appreciate you being a part of this. And so, you know, let's just kick it off. Can you paint the picture of what your life was like kind of leading up to that, that shift that you feel really kind of defined a lot of things.

00:03:33:00 - 00:04:08:11
Bernie Borges
After all, the common thing that I discovered in your story that we have in common is that my life shift goes back to my childhood now, not for the same reason you, of course, experienced the tragic loss of your mom when you were eight years old, and that was a life shift moment for you. So that wasn't the specific circumstance as for me, but for me in my childhood, there were a few things that were going on that really contribute to the fact that I didn't have confidence in myself when I was a young, young boy.

00:04:08:22 - 00:04:31:06
Bernie Borges
Okay, I lacked confidence. And it starts with the fact that I was an only child and I grew up in New York City and I grew up in Queens. And so there's families all around us and every single family had multiple kids. I was the only we were the only family where I was the only child. And I had a little bit of a complex around that man.

00:04:31:06 - 00:04:56:06
Bernie Borges
I felt a little inferior, Right or wrong, I just did. And then one day I remember having a conversation with my dad. My parents were both deceased. Now they were Cuban immigrants and, you know, working class parents. And my dad, in a conversation with me, I probably was around ten or 12 years old, somewhere in that age range.

00:04:56:06 - 00:05:14:08
Bernie Borges
I don't remember exactly the exact age, but I remember him saying to me once, and I'm going to paraphrase because I don't remember it verbatim, but I remember the the what we discussed, the gist of the conversation was he said to me, he said, look, I didn't have an opportunity to get an education. He said, I wish I did.

00:05:14:08 - 00:05:34:23
Bernie Borges
If I had the opportunity you had to have an education, I would have jumped at it again. My words, not his words. You wouldn't I don't think he would have used words like that. And he said to me, and man, I remember this vividly. He said, you know, with an education, you could work for the sanitation department in the office in a managerial role, maybe even running the whole thing.

00:05:35:13 - 00:06:02:06
Bernie Borges
But if you don't have an education, you can still work for the sanitation department, but in a different role. Maybe outside, You know, he's one of the workers outside. No, there's no disrespect in that. He says. The difference is an education gives you the potential to have more options. And so he made that impression on me because he was neglected the opportunity from an economic standpoint, he just couldn't couldn't go to school beyond a certain age.

00:06:02:06 - 00:06:24:02
Bernie Borges
I think he had like an eighth grade education before he had to go to work. So it instilled in me this value of I want an education, but because I lacked confidence, I really didn't know how I was going to do that, particularly since I wouldn't say we were poor Matt, but they were not really. My parents were not in a position to say, okay, where do you want to go to school and we'll send you.

00:06:24:22 - 00:06:42:22
Bernie Borges
But I did start researching colleges and universities, and I start to sort of dream big, way bigger than I possibly could do. I started thinking about universities outside of New York again. I was, you know, born and raised in New York City, and I was thinking about universities like UCLA and other universities around the.

00:06:42:22 - 00:06:43:19
Matt Gilhooly
Country on my list.

00:06:44:13 - 00:07:09:13
Bernie Borges
Yeah. And so I realized that that just wasn't wasn't reality. So when the time came when I was of age, I ended up going to a local community college. And I by that time I was already working part time. And because community college was relatively cheap, I paid for that myself. I told my parents, I said, Look, I'm not going to put the burden on you.

00:07:09:23 - 00:07:29:15
Bernie Borges
I'm going to start out at a local community college and then see what happens. And I put my two years in a local community college, and then I set my sights on a university in New York City called Pace University. Good school, you know, probably not a nationally acclaim school, but within New York City, it's known it's well known, especially in the finance community.

00:07:30:10 - 00:07:56:14
Bernie Borges
So private university, not a local community college, you know, different tuition level. And so I went into Manhattan and I applied for a sales position and I got a sales position with a company selling technical training. And, you know, it was really a blessing because pretty much right right away when I say right away, I mean, you know, quickly moving into that sales role that I started doing well.

00:07:56:14 - 00:08:16:00
Bernie Borges
And, you know, they paid generous commission. So as a young person, I was all of like 20 years old. You know, I was making decent money for that age. And so I decided that I would go to Pace University. Well, I applied. I got in. I decided that I would go there and complete my bachelor's degree at night.

00:08:17:06 - 00:08:36:00
Bernie Borges
Now, Matt, here's the thing. I was in a sales environment that was inside. So, you know, 20, 30 salespeople, all of us young, you know, in are all of us in her twenties, I was in my early twenties. And so when you have a group of young people, a lot of there's a lot of friendships that happen, right?

00:08:36:00 - 00:08:55:19
Bernie Borges
There's a lot of, you know, camaraderie. And all my friends were teasing me when I announced that I'm going to, you know, got to go to Pace University at night and, you know, go for my bachelor's degree. And they're all like, yeah, Bernie, you're not going to do that. You know, that's that's just way too much work. And they literally just thought I wouldn't do it.

00:08:56:06 - 00:09:20:08
Bernie Borges
And also my mom said the same thing. She's like, Bernie, you're going to go to school and there's no way you're going to finish. Right. Because it's just it's a long journey, right? So if I fast forward the life shift moment for me was if I fast forward five years later of going to school at night for 12 months out of the year.

00:09:20:08 - 00:09:38:07
Bernie Borges
So fall session, spring session, summer session one summer session to Labor Day weekend, fall semester all over again right at night in my early twenties. When what do you do when you're in your early twenties? You like to enjoy life?

00:09:38:22 - 00:10:03:23
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah, you know. Plus you were making a big old salary too, which, you know, I want to I want to pause there for a second before you get into that is part of me thinks, you know, there are a lot of people that in their early twenties get a big salary and they're I don't know if the word stupid is a good word to use, but they just they have money so they can do all sorts of things and they can spend all sorts of money.

00:10:04:15 - 00:10:23:08
Matt Gilhooly
And you probably based on that conversation with your father or did that like did that always come up like when you were thinking when you're when your buddies at the work place were like, hey, let's go out and do this? Did that conversation with your dad that you had had like ten, ten years earlier kind of place?

00:10:23:08 - 00:10:48:22
Bernie Borges
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because what it did for me is it laid a conviction deep in my soul of getting that bachelor's degree because my dad was deprived of the opportunity and I was creating the opportunity. Now I consider myself lucky. I mean, his circumstance is different. He grew up in Cuba, and economically he just was not in a position to do it.

00:10:48:22 - 00:11:03:00
Bernie Borges
I was living in New York City or I had this university just at my disposal right outside my front door, not literally, but you know what I mean. Yeah, right. All I had to do is go to work because I had a decent job where I had a decent income and I was able to afford to do it.

00:11:03:03 - 00:11:21:07
Bernie Borges
I just had to put the work in. And so my dad really instilled in me the value of the education and the work ethic. He was a hard working man, so he instilled in me that work ethic. So even though I had my friends tugging at me, Hey Bernie, we're going out drinking and I want to come along, I've I've got school.

00:11:21:07 - 00:11:29:06
Bernie Borges
I blow school off. That conviction inside of me trumped everything. Hmm. Right.

00:11:29:11 - 00:11:53:22
Matt Gilhooly
It's interesting to me because, I mean, I feel like there's there's got to be something else that your parents also instilled in you. This. I mean, you said work ethic and this idea that you can have things that your parents weren't able to have because of the circumstances and the situations that they were in. But like the traditional 20 something year old is so like bucked the system.

00:11:54:05 - 00:12:10:04
Matt Gilhooly
You know, just I don't I don't want to follow things that are hard. So good for you, for you know, for just like jumping into at night school because what did you work 8 to 5 and then or like 84 and then go to class from 5 to 9 every night?

00:12:10:14 - 00:12:39:07
Bernie Borges
Yeah, Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. But remember, at the beginning of this conversation, Matt, I shared with you that I lacked confidence when I was younger. So when I say younger, I mean, you know, childhood years, right? Tsunami. I'm an early adult now in this part of the story, right. But in my childhood years I lacked confidence. And so what this first of all, I got a boost in confidence when I got accepted to patient diversity while it's not a Harvard, it's still a private university.

00:12:39:07 - 00:12:59:13
Bernie Borges
So I got in that that alone was like, okay, check, I'm in. But now I had to, you know, do the work. I had to put the work in and, you know, complete my degree, which was a long journey. And at the time it did feel like a forever thing because. Right, you know, going in and I was 24 when I graduated.

00:13:00:08 - 00:13:19:10
Bernie Borges
So but so again, five, I think it was five years of just nonstop, 12 months a year. And so that and here's where the life shift moment comes in, except that it wasn't really a moment in time, like as in a day like you had a day with a tragic event in your life when you were eight years old.

00:13:19:10 - 00:13:56:18
Bernie Borges
So it wasn't a moment, but it was when I graduated. When I finished, I just looked at that and went, Wow, I really did this, I really did this. And and I use this word a lot. It's another F word. I have a lot of F words in my life. There's fulfillment, there's faith, there's family, there's fun, there's fitness, and now this well, this F word is foundational that what I accomplished, that it gave me a foundation of confidence that I said, okay, if I can accomplish this, then if I really want something, then I can I can accomplish it, you know?

00:13:57:12 - 00:14:19:20
Bernie Borges
And it gave me the confidence to go chase after things. And it also gave me the confidence map to not be afraid to fail. In this case, I didn't feel like I graduated, right? MM. But it gave me the confidence throughout the forthcoming seasons after that to just kind of go after things. Not too long after that, it was a year or two.

00:14:19:21 - 00:14:31:09
Bernie Borges
Maybe just a year later I applied for a job. Now again, I've shared with you my age. So this is back in the days where you looked in the paper, the newspaper for jobs circled circle.

00:14:31:09 - 00:14:32:18
Matt Gilhooly
A circle in the classifieds.

00:14:33:06 - 00:15:00:05
Bernie Borges
Yeah. Yeah. So I found a job that was listed in the paper. It was a sales role for a big company. And I applied. And so I got called for the interview. When I went in for the first interview, I was told that I was one out of 112 people, candidates that they invited in for an interview. And I remember thinking to myself at the end of the interview, like, I think I did pretty well, but one out of 112.

00:15:00:14 - 00:15:32:20
Bernie Borges
So I had like this voice on one side of my head saying, one out of 112, that's not a good odd. I had this other voice saying, You did pretty well in that interview. Well, guess what? I was one of two hired. So two of us out of 112 got offers. So So again, it just that foundation, that life shift moment, if you will, you know if we can stretch the meaning of moment was by completing my undergraduate which again remember I funded it myself.

00:15:32:20 - 00:15:45:18
Bernie Borges
That was another confidence boost like not one Nicole was from my parents. And not that they were unwilling. They were unable Right now, of course, I never held that against them of their fault. Right, Right.

00:15:45:18 - 00:15:46:12
Matt Gilhooly
But, well, I mean.

00:15:46:12 - 00:15:47:20
Bernie Borges
You gave me that foundation.

00:15:48:22 - 00:16:08:10
Matt Gilhooly
You say that there's not really a moment, but I mean, when did that come to you? Was it when you held like your diploma in your hand or your degree? I don't know what they're called these days, even though I have a few over here. Like, was there like because I bet I mean, it wasn't like you were thinking this the whole time, right?

00:16:08:10 - 00:16:19:18
Matt Gilhooly
Was there a moment, like, if we're digging down to it when you were like, Holy crap, I just did this like walking across the stage. Did you graduate? Did you get a degree in the mail, anything like.

00:16:19:18 - 00:16:38:18
Bernie Borges
That? No, I did walk. I did walk. Right. I did go to the graduation ceremony and I did it for my parents because it was it was a very proud moment for them. And so because it was a long journey and it felt like forever at the time. Right. I would have to say that the moment was on that graduation ceremony day.

00:16:39:04 - 00:16:57:02
Bernie Borges
You know, I you know, we have a picture somewhere which, you know, in those days, pictures were, you know, on print, Right? No, not digital. So, you know, we have that picture. We have that moment. So I think it was that that day where I just realized, even though as I was getting closer and closer, I was like, okay, I'm I'm really going to do this.

00:16:57:02 - 00:17:11:00
Bernie Borges
I'm really going to do this. You know, like so is beginning to sink in. But yeah, the ceremony was definitely a big moment because I saw how proud my parents were and and I knew that it was going to be foundational for me.

00:17:11:16 - 00:17:31:00
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah. I could also say that, you know, like, I think when I was done with one of my degrees that, that first morning that I didn't have to wake up or like that first evening that you didn't have to like truck, your way to class was probably like, wow, this is this is quite I did it. I finish this.

00:17:31:08 - 00:17:55:19
Matt Gilhooly
I can't believe it. I'm wondering and I think maybe I'm projecting and putting a little bit of myself in here. But did any of the the naysayers, which would include your coworkers and even in the story, your mom, did that push you at all or did that add any doubt or did that affect you in any way when they were like, you can't do this or you're not going to do this?

00:17:56:23 - 00:18:16:04
Bernie Borges
I don't know if you are expecting me to answer it this way or not, because the answer is it absolutely motivated me. I absolutely wanted to prove everybody wrong. And so it really was kind of like a blessing in disguise because I really wanted to prove them wrong. And I did.

00:18:17:00 - 00:18:39:14
Matt Gilhooly
I mean, I kind of see those moments also in my life in which I've done things like that. But it's almost like a forced confidence boost, right? Because you're kind of I want to prove that that that I can do this, but also I'm doing it and therefore I have confidence that I can do it again. And so it's like, like you said, a blessing in disguise.

00:18:39:14 - 00:19:01:01
Matt Gilhooly
I've had many moments in my life where someone's like, You can't do that. Or like, I mean, even with this podcast, like, you can't. Who's going to? There's a million podcast out there, you know, and I'll show you, I'll show you. So, you know, lucky for you that well I guess do you think if everyone was like, yeah, do it, you can do it?

00:19:01:01 - 00:19:02:09
Matt Gilhooly
Do you think there would be anything different?

00:19:03:19 - 00:19:23:11
Bernie Borges
Oh, I think so. It's I was listening to a podcast. It's actually, I don't know, a YouTube channel, but I listened to it like a podcast because there's nothing to watch from IRL. Earl Nightingale, who's an O.G. back from, you know, how many decades ago? I don't know how many decades ago, many decades ago. And he was talking about the importance of attitude.

00:19:23:11 - 00:20:00:15
Bernie Borges
And that attitude is the single biggest factor in the difference between being successful and successful. However you want to define success. Attitude is top of the chart, right? And it it reminds me of an expression I didn't know it at the time when I was going through that journey of putting myself through college at night. But this expression I've since learned, and I repeat this often, and I share this with many people whenever it's relevant in a conversation and it goes like this, you've probably heard it, and that is if you believe you can, you're right.

00:20:01:04 - 00:20:07:23
Bernie Borges
And if you believe you can't, you're right. It's attitude.

00:20:07:23 - 00:20:30:00
Matt Gilhooly
If everyone believed in you, do you think you would have believed in yourself as well? Because I know you started out as a child with a lower confidence level. And so if everyone believed in you, I, I'm thinking of myself here. I'm putting myself in these shoes of I think if people didn't believe in me, I would be more inclined to try to do it.

00:20:31:01 - 00:20:32:18
Matt Gilhooly
Are you similar or do you think.

00:20:33:20 - 00:21:07:10
Bernie Borges
Here's the irony. Here's the irony. The fact that I had so many doubters motivated me to to accomplish what I accomplished. Right? But if I had everybody believing in me, I also would have been motivated, because then I wouldn't have I wouldn't want to let them down. In fact, you know, fast forward to 2008. I wrote a book because I made the mistake one time of very hastily, very, almost matter of fact, spontaneously, without a lot of deep thought announcing that I'm going to write a book.

00:21:08:06 - 00:21:25:19
Bernie Borges
Right. I had given a presentation somewhere, and a lot of people came up to me afterwards and said, You should write a book. You've got a book in those slides. And I went home and went, Yeah, you know, I'm going to write a book. And I started telling people about it. And then all of a sudden I'm like, Oh, now I have to do this.

00:21:25:19 - 00:21:38:16
Bernie Borges
Yeah. So this whole pressure of not letting people down or even letting myself down because other people are expecting me to accomplish or finish something, you know.

00:21:38:16 - 00:21:52:05
Matt Gilhooly
Was there a fear and I don't mean to be offensive at all here, was there a fear that if you didn't do this, you might be at the level of your parents and what they were afforded and able to do?

00:21:53:07 - 00:22:24:01
Bernie Borges
Yes, but but from the following perspective, I've met and it's a great question. It would have been disappointing because what my dad made crystal clear to me was that he didn't have the opportunity right. I had the opportunity. And so the fear would have been blowing it, you know, not taking advantage, not even sure that's the way I want to frame it.

00:22:24:01 - 00:22:41:18
Bernie Borges
But, you know, just missing out on an opportunity that was available to me, even though I had to work hard for it. But hey, that's another huge, you know, life lesson is like life is full of hard work. Right? And if you're afraid of hard work, well, then you're gonna have a hard time in life, right? Because life's full of hard work.

00:22:42:09 - 00:22:49:09
Bernie Borges
So, yeah, I feared the missed opportunity that was in front of me.

00:22:50:06 - 00:23:18:12
Matt Gilhooly
Right? And I would imagine that also attaches to letting your parents down in that capacity or your father in the sense that, you know, he did all he could with what was available to him. You have more opportunities available to you. You need to take some of those. I want to go back to a point where you said, you know, you you graduated, you felt very confident in what you were doing.

00:23:18:12 - 00:23:38:22
Matt Gilhooly
It's leading you down this direction. But you also said that it it made you and you didn't say fearless, but it made you not afraid of failing. What part of that like had you failed before and then became successful from or learned from that? Or like, where did that part come from in your journey?

00:23:39:17 - 00:24:13:01
Bernie Borges
Yeah, I think it came from the fact that I realized not just in that season of my life, but even as I just continued to grow and mature and evolve, I realized that lacking confidence was unwarranted because I was able to do things that I just didn't give myself credit for having the ability to do. So, for example, in college, college was the first time that I ever stood in front of an audience to give a speech.

00:24:13:17 - 00:24:26:22
Bernie Borges
And, you know, as a child, I wouldn't have had the confidence to do that. But in college, I had to do it. And then I realized that a not so bad, you know, people a lot of people fear public speaking wasn't so bad, number one.

00:24:26:22 - 00:24:27:08
Matt Gilhooly
Fear.

00:24:27:21 - 00:24:46:08
Bernie Borges
So yeah, that's what I've heard. Yeah. So not only was it not so bad, but I was okay at it. You know, I did a decent job and now, you know, fast forward years into my career, I've been public speaking now for decades, and I feel weird because I don't even get nervous. I have no butterflies when I get in front of an audience.

00:24:46:08 - 00:25:10:19
Bernie Borges
And the biggest audience who ever spoken in front of is a thousand people. And I had zero butterflies, which almost makes me feel weird. But it all started in college, and so I just began to realize that my lack of confidence was unwarranted. And then fast forward just a year after college, the story I told you, I was one out of 112 people who interviewed one out of two who got the job right, which was another boost to my confidence.

00:25:11:16 - 00:25:44:18
Bernie Borges
Right. And, you know, I say this and I realized that folks are listening. I guess they could watch this on YouTube. But I say this from a place of humility. And all I'm saying is that, you know, I think everybody can benefit from confidence, whatever level of confidence is important to them and meaningful to them. And all I'm saying is that this life shift moment laid that foundation for me back to that that F word of foundation, and it laid that foundation for me that I was able to build on.

00:25:45:07 - 00:25:54:02
Bernie Borges
And and I can look back on it and just see how foundational and pivotal and life shifting it was for me.

00:25:54:20 - 00:26:16:14
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah, I know on your podcast you have an episode. I think you talked to Dan Pink, right, about Dan Pink regrets. And so that leaves me and in it you talk about, you know, all the things that we do we shouldn't regret because we learn from them. And every day is a new opportunity to make a mistake and learn from it.

00:26:17:06 - 00:26:32:21
Matt Gilhooly
What's I mean, if with that, no fear of failure because you know, you can continue on. Have you had a giant failure or something big that's that's made an impact on you?

00:26:32:21 - 00:26:55:21
Bernie Borges
So I've had a few failures along the way. I think I mentioned to you when we recorded your episode on my Midlife Fulfill podcast, the concept of the failure resume, which Dan Pink shared with me. Right. So Dan Pink for your listener is a New York Times bestselling author and his most recent book, I think it's his fifth book, is called The Power of Regret.

00:26:55:21 - 00:27:18:22
Bernie Borges
Awesome Book. I really recommend everybody read it because we all have regrets in life. And so the concept of the failure resume is to, you know, Right, right. Two things down that you've failed at and what you learn from them. So to your question, yeah, I've had, you know, multiple failures, some bigger than others. You know, one that I there's a few that I can think of.

00:27:18:22 - 00:27:42:14
Bernie Borges
I remember I made an investment that was a significant investment. Five figures that, you know, just went to zero. That was painful. Yeah, I had my own business for 15 years during that 15 year run. There's a few things that I attempted to do that didn't work. Right? So they were failures? Yeah, some of them like one of them, was a fail forward moment.

00:27:42:23 - 00:28:07:04
Bernie Borges
So I don't know if you saw the picture I posted on Instagram where my podcast initially started out as a digital television show. Yes, I invested in building a set in a studio. It was really cool and I was excited about it. I recorded three episodes that were, you know, like kind of like a television show or I interviewed someone, right?

00:28:08:06 - 00:28:29:11
Bernie Borges
But that was a failure. I pivoted to audio podcast. That was actually it was a fail forward, you know? Yeah, I don't know about a moment, but because for a while I got I got caught up in like the dream, the vision of like, hey, you know, create this digital TV show. And I built the studio. I work with somebody.

00:28:29:11 - 00:28:43:11
Bernie Borges
I spent a few thousand dollars on it, you know, But it was a fail forward thing. I just, you know, as I said in that post, like, sometimes you have to really not be afraid to fail, you know? And then it's kind of like the the whole power of regret, you know. Then what do you learn from it?

00:28:43:13 - 00:28:53:00
Bernie Borges
You know? Right. So but I wouldn't say anything is monumental. Like gigantic just a lot of little ones and some little bit bigger than the little ones.

00:28:54:05 - 00:29:15:22
Matt Gilhooly
And I don't really ask that to point out like where we went wrong, but it ties back to the foundation that you built in the confidence that you had when you graduated and you self-funded your own, you know, your own educational experience and you did what others were saying. You'll never finish that. It's too long. It's going to take forever.

00:29:15:22 - 00:29:41:06
Matt Gilhooly
It's going to be draining 12 months a year kind of thing. And so I always think about how does that attach to when in in life things don't quite go the way that we want them to Do You see them in the moment as a learning experience, or is it are you are you like me and like your world feels like it's just collapsed for a little bit?

00:29:42:12 - 00:30:27:10
Bernie Borges
No, I always I think I've always viewed anything, any experience as a learning experience, because if I go way back to that season of life where at a young age I was putting myself through college, self-funding it, doing the 12 month a year thing. And and so so yeah, I think I've always viewed any, any experience that I've had good or bad as a learning experience because I learned, no pun intended, I learned that if I look at it, any other way, if I look at it as a like, Oh, the my world is crumbling, you know, I'm terrible, I'm I'm a loser and all that, then it's going to be one of those like,

00:30:27:10 - 00:30:50:08
Bernie Borges
well, if you believe you can, you're right. And if you believe you can't, you're right. And I probably have more of the I believe you can't than can. And and I think I just didn't want to allow myself to go there, man. That's the thing is I didn't want to allow myself to go there. I wanted it was very important for me to give my parents pride.

00:30:50:08 - 00:31:12:06
Bernie Borges
And it's not about material things or anything like that, but just for them to see that I've got a good work ethic that they instilled in me. And then I've I've worked hard in whatever I have achieved. I did it through hard work and and whatever failures I had along the way were just lessons learned.

00:31:13:05 - 00:31:40:12
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah, I, I, I don't think majority of people are as practical as as that. And I'm, and I do think that your upbringing created that in you, you know through seeing your parents work really hard with what they had and what they what opportunities were available to them and the situations that they got themselves out of and the situations that they've created for you.

00:31:41:00 - 00:32:12:13
Matt Gilhooly
I think that probably laid that first that the gravel under your foundation, right like that, that's going to allow you to pour the concrete on top to kind of really build a nice stable life afterwards. Because I think especially as Americans, as Americans, you know, a lot of us see certain things and if it doesn't go our way out of our faults or not, we kind of crumble or we don't take our responsibility in that.

00:32:12:13 - 00:32:38:18
Matt Gilhooly
So I think it's admirable. I, I don't know a lot of people that approach situations in that way. So I think a lot of it probably I don't know. You can tell me No, but I think a lot of it comes from seeing your parents and what your parents, one, were born into what they had to experience and then them coming to America and and, you know, creating the life that they did for you.

00:32:40:05 - 00:33:02:00
Bernie Borges
So I would agree with you. So I'm going to use a phrase I use a lot, and that's a yes. And so in addition to the inspiration that I got from my parents and of course, the values they instilled in me, it's also just the surrounding that I grew up in. I mentioned that I grew up in Queens and and by and large, the the neighborhood that I grew up in was a working class neighborhood.

00:33:02:00 - 00:33:32:03
Bernie Borges
And so I saw families all around me where both of the parents, in most cases were working. And I was just exposed to an environment in New York City also in a different time. Right? I'm going back to sixties and seventies now where life wasn't easy. It was very competitive. There was an element of crime that, you know, you're looking over your shoulder all the time in New York City.

00:33:32:03 - 00:33:59:13
Bernie Borges
You know, I remember more than once walking home from the subway, you know, feeling threatened, you know, and nervous just about getting home safely. So life wasn't easy. Everything came hard. So I just had this attitude from my childhood years of like, I'm going to have to work hard to get whatever I want. And then the education was a big part of that because of the value that my dad instilled in me about an education.

00:33:59:22 - 00:34:14:18
Bernie Borges
But it wasn't limited to education. It was just anything in general, because his life wasn't easy. It was it was hard. And so I think it's everything. It's that whole surrounding as well as just my own household, my own upbringing.

00:34:15:09 - 00:34:41:00
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah. I mean, where you came from, I think there's people that had different experiences in the same time period that maybe took things for granted and, you know, they could go to any school they wanted to because their parents were going to pay for it and they didn't care. Right. I think that I mean, I talk to other people on the show that some of these struggles that we have, whether we see them as struggles or not, you know, they're different experiences.

00:34:41:07 - 00:35:13:09
Matt Gilhooly
I think they make us stronger humans. You know, in my situation, I wouldn't wish anyone I wouldn't wish it on anyone that their mother dies when they're a kid. But the things that I have learned about humanity, about myself, about the world around me, I'm grateful for despite the experience. Right. And I wouldn't have had my life would be very, very different if I grew up with my mother and not in a situation with my father.

00:35:13:19 - 00:35:35:09
Matt Gilhooly
I say a situation with my father and, you know, and figuring that out in another state, in another place. So, you know, I think there's something to be said about about these struggles that we have to go through. I think it makes us want to fight harder. It makes us want to to do more things and to have more confidence and to have the things that we didn't have.

00:35:36:18 - 00:36:08:20
Bernie Borges
You know? Yeah. And I mentioned to you and I think it was before we started recording that your episode on my podcast really inspired me to think about self-discovery and how your journey brought you to your own self-discovery journey. And it really made me think about my own self-discovery journey and. And I realized that my self-discovery journey dates back to or is rooted in my childhood like yours for different reasons, but it's rooted in my childhood.

00:36:09:07 - 00:36:35:16
Bernie Borges
And so, you know, even talking out loud about this part of my life, which was, you know, 40 years ago for me at a just, you know, gives me even more reason to understand that self-discovery journey that I've been on. And I would argue that, you know, I think we go through self-discovery journeys multiple times in our life, depending on, you know, the seasons, the circumstances and so forth.

00:36:36:15 - 00:36:50:21
Bernie Borges
But, you know, I have you to thank for sharing that story that really heightened the awareness for me of a the fact that we all go through self-discovery journeys and be just the importance of really thinking about them and being self-aware of them.

00:36:52:14 - 00:37:15:07
Matt Gilhooly
Well, I appreciate that. I, I think there's power in telling our stories, and you never know what portion of your story will affect someone. And that's kind of what I love about this show and what you do on your show is that we can come on and think we're going to talk about one thing, but someone may be listening and they're going to pull out this one random sentence.

00:37:15:07 - 00:37:41:00
Matt Gilhooly
You said, you know, way back when and it connects to that and makes them think, oh, how do I relate to this? So speaking of relate, you're a family man. You have children or you've had children and they're not children anymore. How did or how do you see your childhood then, this this building confidence period of your life?

00:37:41:00 - 00:37:47:21
Matt Gilhooly
How did that affect you as a father? Like how did did that affect your your the way you parented your your children?

00:37:48:20 - 00:38:27:20
Bernie Borges
Yeah, absolutely. It well, first of all, you know, my my wife was my partner, so it was not something that I singularly did. But, you know, as as parents, what we both did was we were fortunate that we were able to financially give them opportunities from a very young age to get involved in activities like gymnastics for my daughter and soccer for my son and all these other activities that would give them the opportunity to understand their own abilities and build their own confidence as well as instill in them a work ethic.

00:38:28:19 - 00:38:51:23
Bernie Borges
You know, both graduated from college with good grades. They didn't they didn't have to pay for it. We we purchased you and I both live in Florida. We purchased the college, the Florida prepaid program. So my son graduated from UCF, which is in your backyard. And my daughter graduated from Florida State in Tallahassee, and we did the prepaid program.

00:38:51:23 - 00:39:13:15
Bernie Borges
But they they put the work in and they're both gainfully employed and thriving and doing great. But from an early age, we gave them opportunity A's. And that's really what it comes down to. We never forced them to do anything. We just gave them opportunities and they were able to build confidence and then build on that.

00:39:13:15 - 00:39:26:12
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah. So it stems back to when you said you were, you know, a young child with the lack of confidence. Do you think that that lack of confidence was because you didn't have opportunities to show it when you were a kid?

00:39:27:17 - 00:39:55:01
Bernie Borges
I think and and I wrote this in the blog post. I think it it stems from me being an only child. And here's what I said in the blog post. Some I'm going to say here on the podcast. I don't really know why that's the case. Yeah, I can't explain that, other than the fact that all around me were families with multiple kids two, three, four, five, seven kids in a family right all around me.

00:39:55:21 - 00:40:15:00
Bernie Borges
And I was an only child. I don't know if you if I want to use the word inadequate, of course, you know, not wonderful. And it wasn't my parents fault either. I mean, they eventually told me not as a kid, but eventually they told me that they just never conceived again. It's not like they weren't trying. They just never got pregnant again, you know?

00:40:15:01 - 00:40:45:05
Bernie Borges
So but I felt again, I don't know if inadequate is the right word or not. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't really know. But it it was just something about that that made me feel like less than them, you know? And at a young age, it affected me. Affected my confidence. Yeah. And then eventually, when I started to build some confidence, it made me and I'm sorry to be repetitive here, but it made me realize that my lack of confidence was unwarranted.

00:40:45:12 - 00:40:47:06
Bernie Borges
That was the huge lightbulb for me.

00:40:48:12 - 00:40:51:12
Matt Gilhooly
It's interesting because I am an only child as. Well.

00:40:51:21 - 00:40:53:03
Bernie Borges
And oh, I don't know that.

00:40:53:18 - 00:41:22:05
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah, I, I don't know that I ever noticed that. But I think I didn't notice that because I noticeably did not have a mother. So I think that may be why I didn't notice the other part. Right. Because my family was already broken in that sense. So it was I is it's very curious. But when you said I don't know if inadequate is the right word, that was the word that was in my head.

00:41:22:09 - 00:41:50:20
Matt Gilhooly
So I, I think it's not a reasonable word, but I think it maybe is how you felt. You know, I think I don't know that that's like you said, I don't know if it's the right word, but and I don't think it's warranted either. But I guess, you know, I guess it's we're naturally as humans, we compare. And if our family isn't as full as the one next door, whether that's good or bad, we don't match up.

00:41:51:07 - 00:42:18:20
Matt Gilhooly
And so then is there something wrong with me? Why don't why don't I have all these siblings? You know, we don't understand this as kids, but I it's very interesting to to think about and maybe that's the trigger of like maybe I'm going to after this recording, go go down that rabbit hole of how how did being an only child I do know that being an only child still trickles into things that I do now.

00:42:18:20 - 00:42:42:08
Matt Gilhooly
And I don't know if this is really for you and this is totally off topic, but as an only child, I don't like games, like board games, like playing games with people. I don't like it. I don't need my I and I don't like I, I don't I don't want to say that I, that I'm selfish because I'm not I I do like to do things for others and help others.

00:42:42:18 - 00:43:13:22
Matt Gilhooly
But I also do have a little bit of that's mine like sharing is is not my best quality but there's that and that's always like, I know that's because I didn't have to growing up. I had all my own stuff. I didn't have to play games with people. I played games by myself. And so it's interesting to to think about to how being an only child does affect you, even when you're, you know, out in the in the grown up world with all these adult people around you.

00:43:14:11 - 00:43:15:07
Matt Gilhooly
Do you have any of those?

00:43:15:21 - 00:43:35:23
Bernie Borges
I know. I mean, other than the fact that I also don't like to play board games, they they bore me, no pun intended, although my family likes to play board games. So I have I have participated and I put on a smile. But I inside I'm not enjoying myself. But anyway, I really haven't thought about it in recent decades.

00:43:35:23 - 00:44:01:12
Bernie Borges
I mean, this was this was early in my life that I was kind of dealing with this little hang up, if you will, you know? Yeah, but once I it's kind of like I came out of my shell, you know, if if you were to just kind of fast forward to this part of the podcast, like I came out of my shell once I realized that my lack of confidence was unwarranted, I just blossomed, you know, in terms of doing things that in the past I didn't think I was capable of.

00:44:01:12 - 00:44:22:06
Bernie Borges
And then I realized that I am. And then I just started to, you know, the job that I had where I was doing well, you know, in sales, you know, paying for college, I had my own apartment, you know, just a little bit completing my my college and all that. And so I just realized that I could do things I really wanted to do.

00:44:22:06 - 00:44:24:08
Bernie Borges
And it just I came out of my shell, you know?

00:44:25:10 - 00:44:45:12
Matt Gilhooly
Have you done anything in your life that surprises you, that you think about now? Like, oh my gosh, besides, you know, that foundational period since then, because now sky's the limit. Is there anything in your life they were like, or that your parents were just blown away before they passed?

00:44:45:12 - 00:45:08:06
Bernie Borges
I mean, maybe writing the book because that was also an experience where I could have easily started it and then quit because, you know, I had my own business. So I was working full time in my own business and then writing the book sort of in my quote unquote spare time, which I got done in under a year, about ten months or so.

00:45:09:02 - 00:45:29:05
Bernie Borges
And then I remember when I physically handed the book to my parents, they were blown away by that. And, you know, they couldn't understand that. A book on marketing is a book on social media marketing. Back in 2009, when social media was still fairly new. So they didn't know anything about it. But it was a pride moment for them, like, Hey, I have.

00:45:29:07 - 00:45:30:04
Matt Gilhooly
Your names in and.

00:45:30:21 - 00:45:56:13
Bernie Borges
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, I mentioned briefly speaking, I've done a fair amount of speaking over the decades. And so, you know, back in college, speaking to a class of 20 people is one thing, but standing on a stage at a conference in front of a couple of hundred people or that one event where I was in front of a thousand people and, you know, being invited back and that sort of thing.

00:45:56:13 - 00:46:08:04
Bernie Borges
So those are things that that are accomplishments. And then eventually having my own business, which I ran for 15 years now in the end it wasn't successful. I didn't sell it or anything like that. But hey, for 15 years I had my own business.

00:46:08:12 - 00:46:09:10
Matt Gilhooly
Then it's successful.

00:46:10:02 - 00:46:12:10
Bernie Borges
So in that regard, yeah, yeah.

00:46:12:10 - 00:46:26:02
Matt Gilhooly
So do you ever look back and think about your accomplishments and, and the milestones and how it relates to how it made your parents feel?

00:46:26:02 - 00:46:42:15
Bernie Borges
Yeah, I mean, I think the biggest one, honestly, Matt, is the fact that, you know, I had two a wife and two kids. I don't want to leave my wife out of it. Right. Because again, if kids want a wife, so and, and, you know, we moved we were living in California, so I grew up in New York.

00:46:42:15 - 00:46:47:19
Bernie Borges
I moved to California in my mid-twenties. So after that college graduation season, because.

00:46:47:19 - 00:46:48:05
Matt Gilhooly
You could.

00:46:48:08 - 00:47:09:12
Bernie Borges
And because I could. Exactly. And then I met my wife out there. We got married out there, and then we moved here to Florida. And my parents already living in Florida, but they were living 3 hours away. We convinced him to move near us and we started having, you know, our two kids. By the way, at the time of this recording, they're 32 and 26.

00:47:09:12 - 00:47:35:18
Bernie Borges
So, again, full fledged adults on their own with their own families. So but my parents having close proximity to us, meaning their grandkids, that was their dream come true. And they enjoyed many years before passed with my kids. They watched them grow up mostly, you know, through about high school ish, you know, So that was probably the the biggest sense of pride for them.

00:47:36:21 - 00:48:00:01
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah. I mean, all of my questions seem to be coming stemming from my own selfish experience. I feel like as a kid, you know, both of us feeling the only child feeling similar, but because of different things. A lot of the accomplishments that had throughout my life were because people thought I wasn't going to do it because my mom died, you know?

00:48:00:01 - 00:48:17:18
Matt Gilhooly
And I wonder and that's why I ask, you know, like some of the things I did, because I wanted my family to be proud and understand that I could do it, you know, because they thought I wasn't going to be able to do what they thought was going to be a wreck, you know, like my life was going to be, you know, on the streets or something, because we didn't know.

00:48:17:18 - 00:48:44:03
Matt Gilhooly
Nobody really knew. And so that's really where that question came from. But I can see how expanding your family for them is really the ultimate dream come true and being able to see them and do that. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, you got me. You gave me a lot to think about and how certain things are attached and, and, you know, paying for yourself through college or finding your way through it.

00:48:44:03 - 00:49:06:22
Matt Gilhooly
I think a lot of people can relate to that in different ways. Like myself, I, I had my dad at one point said, if you want to go to school, you're going to have to find a way to do it. And because in the same sense, he did not have the capacity at the time to send me to school, he would help me where he could, but it was definitely not going to be in the tuition sense.

00:49:06:22 - 00:49:27:19
Matt Gilhooly
So for me, I had to find a way. I was, you know, working at a small job. So I wasn't like you were, you know, And I went to UCF here in Orlando and got scholarships, and I worked my tail off to get those scholarships. So in the same sense, like I know it was until recently where I was like, Oh, I did that.

00:49:28:01 - 00:49:48:19
Matt Gilhooly
You know, it was just kind of like I was checking boxes. I was just trying to trying to make it happen. So, one, I applaud you for stopping at 20 something and realizing that, like, I can do whatever I want because so many of us are on this checklist journey where it's like one thing we have to just accomplish the next thing.

00:49:49:11 - 00:50:02:12
Matt Gilhooly
And so that's admirable in that sense that you were able to do that and realize that that was your foundation and that your confidence stays here from now on moving forward.

00:50:03:04 - 00:50:33:01
Bernie Borges
Yeah, but, but, but again, man, it's because I was previously lacking confidence. Yeah. And that's what, that's what gave me the the motivation. Maybe the motivation is not the right word. That's what made me realize. Helped me realize how significant that accomplishment was. Because in my childhood years, I lacked confidence. So when I did accomplish that, I was able to realize that, you know, there's no reason to lack confidence.

00:50:33:23 - 00:50:42:18
Bernie Borges
You know, there's every reason in the world to be confident in, you know, your abilities, your potential, and go after it.

00:50:44:10 - 00:51:05:05
Matt Gilhooly
So on that note, is there something that if this was a possibility in the world that you could go back to seven year old Bernie that was just not confident doing anything and tell him something that would help? Is there anything you would say to him?

00:51:05:05 - 00:51:33:00
Bernie Borges
So I think what I think about in that season of life is as much as I love my parents and they were wonderful parents, what they were not is they were not like a mentor. They were parents. So I guess what I'd say to that, that younger self is, you know, try to find a mentor. And I did eventually find a mentor, but I was a little older.

00:51:33:00 - 00:51:53:16
Bernie Borges
I was probably in the 18 or 19 age range. His name is Tony. I've lost touch with him and that was many, many decades ago. But I remember Tony and he was part of the like, Hey, Bernie, you want to go to, you know, college or university or whatever it was like, then do it. Don't let anything stop you.

00:51:53:21 - 00:52:19:01
Bernie Borges
So finding a mentor, which by the way, is not necessarily an easy thing to do and and maybe for a seven or eight year old, it's not even a concept they can grasp, you know. But yeah, whether it is or it isn't, that's the thing that I think all of humanity can benefit from, you know, is having someone who can mentor you, which it could be a parent.

00:52:19:17 - 00:52:20:00
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah.

00:52:20:11 - 00:52:24:12
Bernie Borges
But it sometimes it's not like in my case it wasn't.

00:52:25:07 - 00:52:58:10
Matt Gilhooly
Yeah. Our coach or a teacher or. Yeah. You know any of these people that are in your life that, that probably care about you, but you need to be open to that. You know, I always, I, I like this question because I mean, I know it's not possible, but also it makes me think about like what would me at that age want to hear, you know, and in your case, building your confidence earlier on, who knows where you'd be now Hey it's yeah, yeah it's interesting to think about.

00:52:58:10 - 00:53:09:10
Matt Gilhooly
Is there anything that you would tell someone? Would your advice to anyone be get a mentor? Is that kind of like not just young Bernie, but everyone should have that to kind of build that confidence.

00:53:10:04 - 00:53:35:04
Bernie Borges
So short answer, yes, Matt, but not necessarily just one mentor. You can multiple mentors in different areas of your life. You can have a mentor that may be, you know, helping you with your health or your fitness. You can have a mentor in your career. You can have a mentor that's, you know, coaching or guiding you, mentoring you in relationships or family or marriage or, you know, whatever it is.

00:53:36:05 - 00:53:51:00
Bernie Borges
But again, finding them is not easy for everyone. You know, you can't just wake up one day, okay, I'm going to get a mentor this week, you know, because a mentor needs to be a relationship. It's not someone you just say, Hey, will you be my mentor? You know, it just doesn't work that way.

00:53:51:09 - 00:53:54:12
Matt Gilhooly
That might be how the conversation starts.

00:53:54:12 - 00:54:18:15
Bernie Borges
Well, but even at that, that can be awkward, you know? You know, that can be the old, you know, marriage proposal on a first date kind of a thing, mentor or metaphor, you know. But yeah, I mean, I think and even to this day, you know, whether it's mentors or people that I really respect and I listen to, I welcome those conversations.

00:54:19:04 - 00:55:07:22
Bernie Borges
And honestly, man, this takes me full circle in this conversation to one of them, one of the reasons that I enjoy my podcast, which I think you know is the same with you, is that these conversations are just so enriching and so eye opening and, you know, just hit me deep in the soul, you know? So while it's not necessarily a mentor relationship per say, it is still a way to have meaningful conversation, just like the episode that I did with you on my podcast that gave me that opportunity, realize like, Hey, self-discovery, that's my take away from that story and I've got my own self-discovery story and I think we all do right.

00:55:07:22 - 00:55:15:10
Bernie Borges
And so that's what I get for my podcast. And I think you get something similar from your podcast and it's pretty cool thing.

00:55:16:19 - 00:55:43:20
Matt Gilhooly
I think that we need to just talk more people, humans, we're all going through this. We're all trying to do the same thing. We're all trying to exist and enjoy the things that we have and the people around us. And I think these conversations that you have on your podcast and the things that that I have on the Life Shift podcast are are needed and whether we hear from the people that listen or not, I think we're we're impacting others in a positive way.

00:55:43:20 - 00:55:52:04
Matt Gilhooly
So I appreciate you taking the time to. Be a part of the Life Shift podcast and trusting me with your story. It is an honor to have you here.

00:55:53:18 - 00:56:00:20
Bernie Borges
Thank you, Matt. Back at you. Thank you for having me on your Life Shift podcast and thank you for being on my Midlife Fulfill podcast.

00:56:01:10 - 00:56:22:15
Matt Gilhooly
Of course. And if you are listening and you are enjoying the podcast, please take the time to give a five star review and or five star rating, I should say, and a review. I know Bernie probably likes those too, so check out the Midlife fulfilled podcast and do the same for him and we will see you next week on the Life Shift podcast.